J-NRLF 


SB    EflS 


r- 


C\J 
C\J 

03 


Prof.  J»  Henry  Sender 


GOOD    MANNERS; 


mraal  of 


IN 


GOOD  SOCIETY. 


Good  mannerj!  are  jieroeXuaUetter&Mtrcomfeendatory." 
Manners  make  t^rfe-a^/  •  '  ,« 


i    >     a 


1     «•  »          •      » 


•     9        O 


PHILADELPHIA  : 
PORTER    &    COATES, 

82?.  CHESTNUT  STREET. 


"PN 


Entered,  acoci'ding  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1870,  by 
PORTER  AND  COATES, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States, 
in  and  for  the  Eastern  D'strirt  c  f  Pennsylvania. 

HEARS  &  DUSENBERY,   STEREOTYPERS. 

"•¥. 

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:  \  «/  .:  1 


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PREFACE. 


HEREWITH  the  author  aspires  to  meet  a  social 
requirement  of  long  standing ;  namely,  a  work 
of  genuine  authority  on  all  points  of  etiquette, 
ceremonial,  and  manners.  Many  books  pro- 
fessing to  treat  of  these  subjects  have  from  timo 
to  time  been  written,  published,  circulated  ;  but 
these  books  have  abounded  in  errors,  indicated 
an  inferior  standard  of  taste,  and  been  written 
by  incompetent  persons. 

It  is  not  difficult  to  divine  the  reason  why 
such  manuals  have  failed  to^  fulfil  their  object. 
A  standard  work  on  manners  must  necessarily 
proceed  from  the  pen  of  one  who  moves  in  the 
best  circles :  but  then  such  persons  are  for  the 
most  part  ignorant  of  the  wants  of  those  who 
occupy  a  lower  position  in  the  social  scale; 
inaccessible  to  publishers ;  and,  if  given  in  a 

dilettante  way  to  literary  pursuits,  turn  natur- 

(•••% 
111) 


M125528 


IV  PREFACE. 

ally  to  the  composition  of  novels,  books  of 
travel,  or  political  treatises.  Few,  also,  would 
care  to  write  upon  so  trite  a  subject,  if  even 
the  desirability  of  the  work  were  brought  under 
their  notice  ;  and  this  chiefly,  perhaps,  because 
an  unmerited  ridicule  has  hitherto  attached  to 
books  of  etiquette.  People  purchase  them 
with  an  uneasy  sense  of  shame,  read  them  sub 
rosa,  and  keep  them  out  of  sight.  In  the  same 
way  young  persons  of  both  sexes  are  invariably 
ashamed  when  learning  to  dance.  In  all  this 
there  is  more  false  pride  than  real  bashfulness. 
People  are,  in  truth,  annoyed  at  having  to  be 
taught  these  minor  accomplishments,  and — no 
matter  how  young  they  may  be,  in  what  seclusion 
they  may  have  lived,  under  what  early  disadvan- 
tages they  may  have  labored— would  fain  have  it 
believed  that  no  social  nicety,  no  fine  point  of 
etiquette,  no  grace  of  bearing,  is  other  than 
familiar  and  natural  to  them. 

No  pride  can  well  be  more  mistaken ;  no 
vanity  more  utterly  misplaced.  Etiquette  is 
not  innate.  A  modest  man  is  unobtrusive  ;  a 
good-natured  man  is  obliging ;  a  feeling  man  is 


PREFACE.  V 

considerate  ;  and  in  so  far  as  unobtrusiveness^ 
amiability,  and  tact  are  the  very  foundations' 
of  good  manners,  such  persons  may  be  said  to 
be  naturally  well-bred.  But  not  even  a  saint 
could,  from  his  "inner  consciousness ';  alone, 
evolve  a  conception  of  the  thousand  and  one 
social  observances  of  modern  fashionable  life. 

A  knowledge  of  those  social  observances  is 
absolutely  indispensable  for  all  who  aspire  to 
live  in  society ;  and  it  is  acknowledged  that 
cannot  be  expected,  like  "  reading  and  writing" 
(as  Dogberry  has  it),  to  "come  by  nature." 
By  the  children  of  wealthy  parents  much  of 
what  is  set  forth  in  the  following  pages  is  in- 
sensibly acquired  from  earliest  infancy ;  but 
even  persons  so  bred  and  born  may  well  find 
themselves  uncertain  now  and  then  upon  a 
point  of  ceremonial. 

To  these  and  all — to  the  cr&ne  de  la  cr£me  as 
well  as  to  the  great  body  of  the  middle  class 
public, — this  manual  professes  to  be  alike  useful 
and  necessary.  Applied  to  by  the  publishers 
for  a  work  on  Good  Society,  and  convinced  of 
the  great  importance  of  the  subject,  the  Author 


Tl  PREFACE. 

has  not  only  endeavored  to  the  best  of  her 
ability  to  treat  of  it  under  all  its  aspects ;  to 
omit  no  point,  however  trivial ;  to  provide  her 
readers  with  a  faithful  and  judicious  guide  in 
every  social  emergency ;  but  she  has  approached 
her  task  with  the  sincerest  desire  to  be  useful 
to  others  and  to  perform  her  part  in  the  promo- 
tion of  that  great  educational  movement  which 
is  even  now  engaging  the  sympathies  and 
prompting  the  generous  labors  of  so  many  wise 
and  noble  thinkers. 


CONTENTS. 


PA01 

CHAPTER  I. 

ON  GOOD  MANNERS  IN  GENERAL   ...        1 


CHAPTER  II. 

LETTERS     OF     INTRODUCTION  —  CARDS AD- 


DRESSES 


17 


CHAPTER  III. 

VISITING — CALLS 23 

CHAPTER  IV. 

CONVERSATION •      •      .      •         31 

CHAPTER  V. 

LETTER-WRITING — INVITATIONS       ....         44 

(vii) 


Vlll  CONTENTS. 


PAQB 

CHAPTER  VI. 
THE  LADY'S  TOILET 54 


CHAPTER  VII. 
THE  GENTLEMAN'S  TOILET 64 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

RIDING  AND  DRIVING — THE  PROMENADE          .         70 

CHAPTER  IX. 

MORNING  AND  EVENING  PARTIES      ....         81 

CHAPTER  X. 

THE  BALL 93 

CHAPTER  XI. 

TABLE  ETIQUETTE DINNER  PARTIES   .       .       .       103 

CHAPTER  XII. 

ENGAGEMENT  AND  MARRIAGE 129 


CONTENTS.  IX 


PAGE 

CHAPTER  XIIL 

VISITING  AT  A  COUNTRY  HOUSE  137 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

HINTS  ON  CARVING 142 

CHAPTER  XV. 

TRAVELLING 149 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

ETIQUETTE  IN  CHURCH 151 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

PLACES  C7  AMUSEMENT 153 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

THE  ARRANGEMENT  OF  A  LADY*S  HOUSE,  AND 

MANAGEMENT  OF  SERVANTS    .  156 


X  CONTENTS. 

PAG! 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

WINE  AT  TABLE 162 

CHAPTER  XX. 

GENERAL  HINTS  TO  BOTH  SEXES    ....   171 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

WASHINGTON'S  u  RULES  OF  CIVILITY"  .     .    .     183 

CHAPTER  XXII. 

FRANKLIN'S  " RULES  OF  CONDUCT"      .     .     .     190 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 
CHESTERFIELD'S  SENTENCES  AND  MAXIMS  192 


GOOD  MANNERS. 

CHAPTER  I. 
On  Good  Manners  in  General. 

WHAT  is  Good  Society  ?  What  constitutes 
Good  Manners?  How  happens  it  that  the 
elegance  of  one  age  becomes  the  vulgarity  of  the 
next?  From  immemorial  time  the  human  family 
has  been  divided  into  two  sections — the  Polite 
and  the  Vulgar.  Whence  arose  that  broad  dis- 
tinction? What  was  the  primitive  definition 
of  Politeness?  Who  first  discovered  the  possi- 
bilities of  Vulgarity  ?  How  may  both  be  resolved 
into  their  first  elements?  These  are  questions 
which  have  of  late  engaged  the  serious  attention 
of  the  learned.  They  are  questions  by  no  means 
trivial — by  no  means  unessential  to  the  student 
of  history.  We  might  even  go  farther  than  this, 
and  say  that  neither  the  history  of  mankind  in 
general,  nor  the  history  of  any  one  nation  in 
particular,  can  be  duly  understood  and  appre- 
ciated without  a  much  fuller  knowledge  of  the 


2  GOOD    MANNERS. 

rise  and  progress  of  manners  and  customs  than 
has  hitherto  been  deemed  necessary  either  by 
historians  or  students. 

It  would  seem  that  good  manners  were  origin- 
ally the  mere  expression  of  submission  from 
the  weaker  to  the  stronger.  In  a  rude  state  of 
society  every  salutation  is  to  this  day  an  act  of 
worship.  Hence  the  commonest  acts,  phrases, 
and  signs  of  courtesy  with  which  we  are  now 
familiar,  date  from  those  earlier  stages  of  our 
life  as  a  nation  when  the  strong  hand  ruled, 
and  the  inferior  demonstrated  his  allegiance  by 
studied  servility.  Let  us  take  for  example  the 
words  "  Sir"  and  "  Madam."  *'  Sir,"  once  in 
use  among  equals,  but  now  only  proper  on  the 
lips  of  inferiors,  is  derived  from  Seigneur,  Sieur 
Sire,  and  originally  meant  Lord,  King,  Ruler, 
and,  in  its  patriarchal  sense,  Father.  The  title 
of  Sire  was  last  borne  by  some  of  the  ancient 
feudal  families  of  France  who,  as  Selden  has 
said,  "affected  rather  to  be  styled  by  the  name 
of  Sire  than  Baron,  as  Le  Sire  de  Montmorenci 
and  the  like." 

Madam,  or  Madame,  corrupted  by  our  servants 
into  "Ma'am,"  and  by  Mrs.  Gamp  and  her 
tribe  into  "Mum,"  is  in  substance  equivalent 
to  "  Your  exalted,"  or  "  Your  Highness"  -Ma 
Dame  originally  meaning  high-born  or  stately, 
and  being  applied  only  to  ladies  of  the  highest 
rank. 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS    IN    GENERAL.          3 

To  turn  to  our  every-day  forms  of  salutation, 
We  take  off  our  hats  on  meeting  an  acquaint- 
ance. We  bow  on  being  introduced  to  strangers 
We  rise  when  visitors  enter  our  drawing-room. 
We  wave  our  hand  to  our  friend  as  he  passes 
the  window,  or  drives  away  from  our  door.  The 
Oriental,  in  like  manner,  leaves  his  shoes  on  the 
threshold  when  he  pays  a  visit.  The  natives 
of  the  Tonga  Islands  kiss  the  soles  of  a  chief- 
tain's feet.  The  Siberian  peasant  grovels  in  the 
dust  before  a  Russian  noble.  Each  of  these  acts 
has  a  primary,  an  historical  significance.  The 
very  word  ''  salutation,"  in  the  first  place,  de- 
rived as  it  is  from  salutatio,  the  daily  homage 
paid  by  a  Roman  client  to  his  patron,  suggests 
in  itself  a  history  of  manners.  To  bare  the 
head  was  originally  an  act  of  submission  to 
gods  and  rulers.  A  bow  is  a  modified  prostra- 
tion. A  lady's  courtesy  is  a  modified  genu- 
flection. Rising  and  standing  are  acts  of 
homage;  and  when  we  wave  our  hand  to  the 
friend  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  street,  we  are 
unconsciously  imitating  the  Romans  who,  as 
Selden  tells  us,  used  to  stand  "somewhat  off 
before  the  Images  of  their  Gods,  solemnly 
moving  the  right  hand  to  the  lips  and  casting 
it,  as  if  they  had  cast  kisses." 

Again,  men  remove  the  glove  when  they 
shake  hands  with  a  lady — a  custom  evidently 
of  feudal  origin.  The  knight  removed  his  iron 


i  GOOD    MANNERS. 

gauntlet,  the  pressure  of  which  would  have 
been  all  too  harsh  for  the  palm  of  a  fair  chate- 
laine, and  the  custom  which  began  in  necessity 
has  travelled  down  to  us  as  a  point  of  etiquette. 
How  are  we  to  define  that  unmistakable 
something,  as  subtle  as  an  essence,  that  makes 
a  gentleman  or  a  gentlewoman?  May  good 
breeding  be  acquired  as  an  art?  and  if  so.  where 
are  we  to  seek  the  best  professors  ?  Who  does  not 
wish  to  give  his  children,  above  all  other  accom- 
plishments, that  inestimable  branch  of  educa- 
tion, the  Manners  of  Good  Society?  What  ia 
learning,  what  are  abilities,  what  are  personal 
attractions,  what  is  wealth,  without  this  one 
supreme  essential?  A  man  may  know  as  many 
languages  as  Mezzofanti,  may  have  made  scien- 
tific discoveries  greater  than  tho*e  of  Herschel  or 
Darwin,  may  be  as  rich  as  a  Rothschild,  as  brave 
as  a  Napier,  yet  if  he  has  a  habit  of  hesitating 
over  his  words,  or  twisting  his  limbs,  of  twid- 
dling his  thumbs,  of  laughing  boisterously,  of 
doing  or  saying  awkward  trifles,  of  what  account 
is  he  in  socioty?  So  likewise  of  a  woman. 
Though  she  were  fair  as  Helen,  skilled  in  all 
modern  accomplishments,  well-dressed,  good- 
natured,  generous,  yet  if  her  voice  were  over- 
loud,  or  her  manner  too  confident;  above  all, 
if  she  were  to  put  her  knife  in  her  mouth  at 
dinner;  who  would  think  of  her  beauty,  or  her 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS   IN    GENERAL.         5 

accomplishments,   or  her   fine   clothes?    Who 
would  invite  her?     Who  would  tolerate  her? 

But  we  would  by  no  means  be  understood  to 
say  that  these  mere  outward  observances  con- 
stitute the  essence  of  good  manners.  Neither 
gestures,  nor  tones,  nor  habits,  can  be  accepted 
as  infallible  signs  of  good  or  ill  breeding.  Thumb- 
twiddling,  and  lolling,  and  knife-swallowing, 
are  terrible  habits  enough,  and  would  be,  of 
course,  sufficient  to  exclude  any  man  or  woman 
who  practised  them  from  the  precincts  of  good 
society  ;  not  only  because  they  are  in  themselves 
offensive,  but  because  they  would  point  to  fore- 
gone associations  of  a  vulgar  kind ;  but  they 
do  not  of  necessity  prove  that  the  primary  essen- 
tials of  good  manners — the  foundation,  so  to 
speak,  upon  which  the  edifice  of  good  manners 
should  be  built — is  wanting  in  those  unfortunate 
persons  who  are  guilty  of  the  offences  in  ques- 
tion. That  foundation,  that  primary  essential, 
is  goodness — innate  goodness,  innate  gentle- 
ness, innate  unselfishness.  Upon  these  quali- 
ties, and  these  alone,  are  based  all  those  ob- 
servances and  customs  which  we  class  together 
under  the  head  of  Good  Manners.  And  these 
good  manners,  be  it  remembered,  do  not  merely 
consist  in  the  art  of  bowing  gracefully,  of  en- 
tering a  room  well,  of  talking  easily,  of  being 
au  courant  with  all  the  minor  habits  of  the  best 
society.  A  man  may  have  all  this,  know  all 


6  GOOD    MANNERS. 

this,  and  yet,  if  he  be  selfish,  or  ill-natured,  or 
untruthful,  fail  altogether  of  being  a  true  gentle- 
man. Good  manners  are  far,  indeed,  from  being 
the  outward  evidences  of  mere  training  and  dis- 
cipline.  They  are,  au  fond,  the  kindly  fruits 
of  a  refined  nature.  As  just  and  elevated 
thoughts  expressed  in  choice  language  are  the 
index  of  a  highly  trained  and  well-regulated 
mind,  so  does  every  act,  however  unimportant, 
and  every  gesture,  however  insignificant,  reveal 
the  kindly,  considerate,  modest,  loyal  nature  of 
the  true  gentleman  and  the  true  lady.  Hear 
what  Ruskin  has  to  say  of  the  characteristics 
of  the  true  gentleman  : — 

"  A  gentleman's  first  characteristic  is  that 
fineness  of  structure  in  the  body  which  renders 
it  capable  of  the  most  delicate  sensation,  and 
of  that  structure  in  the  mind  ichich  renders  it 
capable  of  the  most  delicate  sympathies — one 
may  say,  simply,  'fineness  of  nature.'  This  is, 
of  course,  compatible  with  heroic  bodily  strength 
and  mental  firmness  ;  in  fact,  heroic  strength  is 
not  conceivable  without  ruch  delicacy.  Elephan- 
tine strength  may  drive  its  way  through  a  forest, 
and  feel  no  touch  of  the  boughs  ;  but  the  white 
skin  of  Homer's  Atrides  would  have  felt  a  bent 
rose-leaf,  yet  subdue  its  feelings  in  glow  of 
battle,  and  behave  itself  like  iron.  1  do  not 
mean  to  call  an  elephant  a  vulgar  animal :  but 
if  you  think  about  him  carefully,  you  will  find 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS    IN    GENERAL.          V 

that  his  non-vulgarity  consists  in  such  gentle- 
ness as  is  possible  to  elephantine  nature  ;  not  in 
his  insensitive  hide,  nor  in  his  clumsy  foot,  but 
in  the  way  he  will  lift  his  foot  if  a  child  lies  in 
his  way;  and  in  his  sensitive  trunk,  and  still 
more  sensitive  mind,  and  capability  of  pique  on 

points  of  honor Hence  it  will  follow,  that 

one  of  the  probable  signs  of  high  breeding  in 
men  generally  will  be  their  kindness  and  mer- 
cifulness ;  these  always  indicating  more  or  less 
firmness  of  make  in  the  mind." 

It  is  impossible,  however,  in  a  work  like  the 
present,  to  touch  other  than  incidentally  on  the 
grand  moral  substratum  underlying  all  true 
refinement — as  impossible  as  it  would  be  to 
write  earnestly  upon  the  subject  of  good  man- 
ners without  touching  upon  it  at  all.  For  man- 
ners and  morals  are  indissolubly  allied,  and  he 
who  undertakes  to  discourse  of  the  one  can 
never,  in  his  own  mind,  lose  sight  of  the  other. 

To  return,  however,  to  this  question  of  good 
feeling  and  good  manners.  Just  as  it  may  be 
shown  that  every  form  of  salutation  takes  its 
origin  either  in  some  religious  observances  or 
some  curious  mediseval  ceremony,  so  may  it  also 
be  shown  that  the  simplest  rules  of  etiquette 
are  traceable,  in  their  essence,  to  that  unselfish- 
ness of  nature,  and  that  kindly  consideration 
for  others,  which  Ruskin,  as  we  have  just  seen, 
defines  as  u  fineness  of  nature,"  and  adduces  as 


GOOD    MANNERS. 

the  touchstone  of  genuine  breeding.  To  listen 
with  patience,  however  prosy  our  entertainer 
may  he  ;  to  smile  at  the  thrice-told  jest ;  to  yield 
the  best  seat,  or  the  choicest  dish,  or  the  most 
amusing  volume,  are  acts,  not  of  mere  civility, 
but  of  kindness  and  unselfishness.  So  of  every 
other  prescribed  rule  of  social  conduct — so  of 
that  abstinence  from  interruption  or  contradic- 
tion in  conversation  ;  of  that  suppression  of  a 
yawn  ;  of  that  cheerful  countenance  concealing 
inward  anxiety  or  weariness;  of  those  perpetual 
endeavors  to  please  and  to  seem  pleased,  which 
end  by  becoming  a  second  nature  to  the  really 
well  bred  person.  Analyze  each  one  of  these 
acts,  and  it  resolves  itself  into  a  concession 
towards  the  feelings,  the  vanity,  or  the  comfort 
of  others.  Its  essence  is  unselfishness.  Its 
animating  spirit  is  forbearance.  The  proposi- 
tion is  demonstrable  by  a  process  of  reversal. 
If  goodness  be  the  parent  of  politeness,  is  not 
badness  the  parent  of  vulgarity?  Is  not  bad 
temper  vulgar  ?  Is  not  selfishness  vulgar?  Is 
not  scandal  vulgar?  Are  not  greediness,  egotism, 
inquisitiveness,  prevarication,  lying,  and  dis- 
honesty, one  and  all,  utterly  vulgar  ?  In  a  word, 
it  not  vice  vulgar? 

If,  then,  we  desire  that  our  children  shall 
become  ladies  and  gentlemen,  can  we  make  them 
so,  think  you,  by  lavishing  money  upon  foreign 
professors,  dancing  masters,  continental  tours, 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS    IN    GENERAL.         9 

tailors,  and  dressmakers?  Ah,  no!  good  breed- 
ing is  far  less  costly,  and  begins  far  earlier  than 
those  things.  Let  our  little  ones  be  nurtured  in 
an  atmosphere  of  gentleness  and  kindness  from 
the  nursery  upwards;  let  them  grow  up  in  a 
home  where  a  rude  gesture  or  an  ill-tempered 
word  are  alike  unknown  ;  where  between  father 
and  mother,  master  and  servant,  mistress  and 
maid,  friend  and  friend,  parent  and  child,  pre- 
vails the  law  of  truth,  of  kindness,  of  conside- 
ration for  others,  and  forgetfulness  of  self. 
Can  they  carry  into  the  world,  whither  we  send 
them  later,  aught  of  coarseness,  of  untruthful- 
ness,  of  slatternliness,  of  vulgarity,  if  their 
home  has  been  orderly,  if  their  parents  have 
been  refined,  their  servants  well-mannered,  their 
friends  and  playmates  kind  and  carefully  trained 
as  themselves?  Do  we  want  our  boys  to  succeed 
in  the  world  ;  our  girls  to  be  admired  and  loved  ; 
their  tastes  to  be  elegant ;  their  language  choice; 
their  manners  simple,  charming,  graceful ;  their 
friendships  elevating? — then  we  must  ourselves 
be  what  we  would  have  our  children  to  be,  ro- 
membering  the  golden  maxim,  that  good  man- 
ners, like  charity,  must  begin  at  home. 

Good  manners  are  an  immense  social  force. 
We  should  therefore  spare  no  pains  to  teach  our 
children  what  to  do,  and  what  to  avoid  doing, 
in  their  pathway  through  life.  "  When  we  re- 
flect," says  Emerson,  "how  manners  recom 


10  GOOD    MANNERS. 

mend,  prepare,  and  draw  people  together;  how, 
in  all  clubs,  manners  make  the  members;  how 
manners  make  the  fortune  of  the  ambitious 
youth  ;  that,  for  the  most  part,  his  manners 
marry  him,  and,  for  the  most  part,  he  marries 
manners;  when  we  think  what  keys  they  are, 
and  to  what  secrets;  what  high  lessons  and 
inspiring  tokens  of  character  they  convey;  and 
what  divination  is  required  in  us  for  the  reading 
of  this  fine  telegraph,  we  see  what  range  the 
subject  has,  and  what  relations  to  convenience, 
form,  and  beauty."  Again  the  same  writer 
says,  "  The  maxim  of  courts  is  power.  A  calm 
and  resolute  bearing,  a  polished  speech,  an  em- 
bellishment of  trifles,  and  the  art  of  hiding 
all  uncomfortable  feelings,  are  essential  to  the 
courtier Manners  impress,  as  they  indi- 
cate real  power.  A  man  who  is  sure  of  h's 
point  carries  a  broad  and  contented  expression, 
which  everybody  reads ;  and  you  cannot  rightly 
train  to  an  air  and  manner,  except  by  making 
him  the  kind  of  man  of  whom  that  manner  is 
the  natural  expression.  Nature  for  ever  puts 
a  premium  on  reality.'' 

On  utilitarian,  as  well  as  social  principles,  we 
should  try  to  instruct  our  children  in  good 
manners  ;  for  whether  we  wish  them  to  succeed 
in  the  world  or  to  adorn  society,  the  point  is 
equally  important.  We  must  never  lose  sight 
of  the  fact,  thaf  here  teachers  and  professors 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS    IN    GENERAL.       11 

can  do  little,  and  that  the  only  way  in  which  it 
is  possible  to  acquire  the  habits  of  good  society 
is  to  live  in  no  other.  "A  blockhead  makes  a 
blockhead  his  companion,"  says  the  writer  last 
quoted  ;  and  so  will  a  little  leaven  of  vulgarity 
leaven  the  whole  social  lump.  No  habit  is  so 
easily  acquired  as  a  habit  of  awkward  gesticu- 
lation ;  no  slovenliness  so  insidious  as  that  of 
incorrect  speech.  lie  who  wishes  to  be  a  gen- 
tleman must  associate  only  with  those  whose 
tastes  and  habits  are  gentlemanly,  and  whose 
language  is  refined. 

Manner  is  only  to  be  defined  by  a  series  of 
negations.  The  well-bred  person  has  no  man- 
ner. The  well-bred  person  is  distinguished  from 
the  ill-bred  person,  not  by  Avhat  he  does,  but  by 
what  he  leaves  undone.  The  well-bred  person 
just  differs  from  the  ill-bred  person  in  that  he 
knows  what  he  ought  not  to  do.  The  very  host 
breeding  consists  chiefly  in  the  utmost  unobtru- 
siveness.  To  be  well-bred  and  well-mannered. 
in  short,  is  to  keep  down  the  e</o  upon  every 
occasion  ;  to  control  every  expression  of  strong 
feeling;  to  be  of  noiseless  bearing  and  gentle 
speech:  to  abstain  from  all  that  may  hurt  the 
feelings  or  prejudices  of  others;  to  make  sma  1 
sacrifices  without  seeming  to  make  them  ;  in  a 
word,  to  remember  that  in  society  one  lives  for 
Others  and  not  for  oneself'. 

But  politeness  is  not  like  a  robe  of  state,  to 


12  GOOD    MANNERS. 

be  worn  only  upon  occasions  of  ceremony.  In 
no  place  do  the  laws  of  etiquette  bear  more  gra- 
tify ing  results  than  in  the  home  circle,  where, 
stripped  of  their  mere  formality,  tempered  with 
love,  and  fostered  by  all  kindly  impulses,  they 
improve  the  character  and  bear  their  choicest 
fruits.  A  true  gentlewoman  will  show  as  much 
courtesy,  and  observe  all  the  little  duties  of  po- 
liteness as  unfailingly,  towards  her  parents, 
husband,  and  family  as  towards  the  greatest 
strangers.  A  true  gentleman  will  never  forget 
that  if  he  is  bound  to  exercise  courtesy  and 
kindness  in  his  intercourse  with  the  world,  he 
is  doubly  bound  to  do  so  in  his  intercourse  with 
those  who  depend  upon  him  lor  advice,  protec- 
tion, and  example. 

Etiquette  may  be  denned  as  the  minor  morality 
of  iife.  N<»  observances,  however  minute,  thaf. 
tend  to  spare  the  feelings  of  others,  can  be 
classed  under  the  head  of  trivialities  ;  and  po- 
liteness, which  is  but  another  name  for  general 
amiability,  will  oil  the  creaking  wheels  of  life 
more  effectually  than  any  of  those  unguents 
supplied  by  mere  wealth  or  station. 

•*  Pour  etre  veritablement  poli.  il  faut  etre  a 
la  lois  bon,  juste,  et  genereux,"  has  been  well 
sa'd  by  a  modern  French  writer;  and  this  is 

•  • 

true,  despite  she  fact  that  extremely  severe  codes 
of  etiquette  have  often  prevailed  in  the  most 
vicious  and  dissolute  courts.  Most  of  the  Ten 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS   IN    GENERAL-       13 

Commandments  were  habitually  violated  by  the 
courtiers  of  Louis  XIV.  ;  yet  which  among  the 
boldest  of  that  profligate  circle  would  have 
dared  to  sit.  or  eat,  or  put  on  his  hat  unbidden, 
in  the  presence  of  that  haughty  and  exacting 
Sovereign?  But,  then,  etiquette  is  not  polite- 
ness, but  only  the  mere  external  vesture  of  it; 
too  often  the  mere  counterfeit.  True  politeness 
is  the  outward  visible  sign  of  those  inward 
spiritual  graces  called  modesty,  unselfishness, 
generosity.  The  manners  of  a  gentleman  are 
the  index  of  his  soul.  His  speech  is  innocent, 
because  his  life  is  pure  ;  his  thoughts  are  direct, 
because  his  actions  are  upright;  his  bearing  is 
gentle,  because  his  blood,  and  his  impulses,  and 
hi?  training  are  gentle  also.  A  true  gentleman 
is  entirely  free  from  every  kind  of  pretence.  He 
avoids  homage,  instead  of  exacting  it.  Mere 
ceremonies  have  no  attraction  for  him.  He  seeks 
not  to  say  civil  things,  but  to  do  them.  His 
hospitality,  though  hearty  and  sincere,  will  be 
strictly  regulated  by  his  means.  His  friends 
will  be  chosen  for  their  good  qualities  and  good 
manners;  his  servants,  for  their  truthfulness 
and  honesty:  his  occupations,  for  their  useful- 
ness, or  their  gracefulness,  or  their  elevating 
tendencies,  whether  moral,  or  mental,  or  poli- 
tical. And  so  we  come  round  again  to  our  first 
maxim  ;  i.e.  that  "  good  manners  are  the  kindly 
fruit  of  a  refined  nature." 


14  GOOD    MANNERS. 

And  if  this  be  true  of  mankind,  how  still 
more  true  is  it  of  womankind  !  Granted  that 
truthfulness,  gracefulness,  considerateness,  un- 
selfishness, are  essential  to  the  breeding  of  a 
true  gentleman,  how  infinitely  essential  must 
they  not  be  to  the  breeding  of  a  true  lady  ! 
That  her  tact  should  be  even  readier,  her  syni- 

*  */ 

pathies  even  tenderer,  her  instincts  even  finer, 
than  those  of  the  man,  seems  only  fit  and 
natural.  In  her,  politeness,  pr£voyance,  and  all 
the  minor  observances  of  etiquette  are  abso- 
lutely indispensable.  She  must  be  even  more 
upon  her  guard  than  a  man  in  all  those  niceties 
of  speech,  look,  and  manner,  which  are  the 
especial  and  indispensable  credentials  of  good 
breeding.  Every  little  drawing-room  ceremo- 
nial, all  the  laws  of  precedence,  the  whole  eti- 
quette of  hospitality,  must  be  familiar  to  her. 
And  even  in  these  points,  artificial  though  they 
be,  her  best  guide,  after  all,  is  that  kindness  'of 
heart  which  gives  honor  where  honor  is  due, 
and  which  is  ever  anxious  to  spare  the  feelings 
and  prejudices  of  others. 

Every  mistress  of  a  house,  be  it  remembered, 
is  a  minor  sovereign,  upon  whose  bounty  the 
comfort,  and  happiness,  and  refinement  of  her 
little  court  depend.  She  must  take  especial 
care  that  her  servants  are  capable,  well-trained, 
and  reliable,  and  that  her  domestic  arrangements 
are  carried  on  as  noiselessly  and  easily  as  if  by 


ON    GOOD    MANNERS    IN    GENERAL.       15 

machinery.  In  a  well-ordered  household  the 
machinery  is  always  in  order,  and  alwavs  works 

J  v  •; 

out  of  sight.  No  well-bred  woman  talks  of  her 
servants,  of  her  dinner  arrangements,  or  of  the 
affairs  of  her  nursery.  One  feels  these  matters 
to  be  under  her  surveillance,  and  that  fact  alone 
is  a  guarantee  of  their  good  management.  The 
amusements  and  comforts  of  her  guests  are  pro- 
vided for  without  discussion  or  comment ;  and 
whatever  goes  wrong  is  studiously  withheld 
from  the  conversation  of  the  drawing-room. 
And  let  no  lady,  however  young,  however  beau- 
tiful, however  gifted,  for  one  moment  imagine 
that  the  management  of  her  house  can  be 
neglected  with  impunity.  If  she  is  rich  enough 
to  provide  an  efficient  housekeeper,  well  and 
good;  but  even  so,  the  final  responsibility  must 
still  rest  upon  her,  and  her  alone.  No  tastes, 
no  pleasures,  must  stand  in  the  way  of  this  im- 
portant duty  ;  and  if  even  that  duty  should  at 
first  seem  irksome,  the  fulfilment  of  it  is  sure 
to  bring  its  own  reward. 

Good  manners  of  course  presuppose  good 
education.  "  Crabbed  age  and  youth"  are  as 
incompatible  associates  as  ignorance  and  high 
breeding.  Let,  therefore,  those  persons  who  from 
adverse  circumstances  have  not  run  through  the 
ordinary  curriculum  of  a  liberal  education  early 
in  life,  begin  the  reformation  of  their  manners 
by  the  cultivation  of  their  minds.  Some  know- 


16  GOOD    MANNERS. 

ledge  of  ancient  and  modern  history,  of  the 
progress  of  English  literature,  and  of  the  cur- 
rent affairs  of  our  own  time,  is  indispensable  to 
even  the  most  ordinary  conversationists.  Next 
in  importance  comes  a  familiar  acquaintance 
with  the  French  and  German  languages.  Nor 
is  mere  knowledge  of  much  value,  unless  the 
taste  be  equally  cultivated.  Some  familiarity 
with  the  best  schools  of  art  and  music  is  now 
made  not  only  possible  but  easy  to  persons  of  all 
classes.  Museums,  schools  of  art,  reading-rooms, 
lecture  halls,  loan  exhibitions,  and  the  like,  have 
of  late  years  placed  such  means  of  culture  as 
were  unattainable  by  gentlemen  and  nobles 
of  a  hundred  years  ago  within  reach  of  the 
humblest  mechanic.  If  knowledge  is  power, 
taste,  be  it  remembered,  is  delight.  Without 
taste,  knowledge  becomes  mere  pedantry,  and 
study  remains  to  the  last  unfruitful  and  unat- 
tractive. 

Let  us  in  conclusion  add  the  following  lines 
by  Tennyson,  as  an  equally  comprehensive  and 
just  definition  of  a  true  gentleman  : — 

"  We  see  him  as  he  moved, 
How  modest,  kindly,  all  accomplished,  wise, 
With  what  sublime  repression  of  himself, 
And  in  what  limits,  and  how  tenderly: 
Not  making  his  high  place  a  lawless  perch 
Of  winged  ambitions,  nor  a  vantage  ground 
For  pleasure:  but  thro'  all  this  tract  of  years 
Wearing  the  white  flower  of  a  blameless  life." 


CHAPTER  II. 

Letters  of  Introduction — Cards — Addresses. 

DO  not  lightly  give  or  promise  letters  of  in- 
troduction. Always  remember  that  when 
you  give  letters  of  introduction  you  lay  yourself 
under  an  obligation  to  those  friends  to  whom 
they  may  be  addressed.  If  they  live  in  any  of 
the  great  cities,  you  in  a  measure  compel  them 
to  undergo  the  penalty  of  escorting  the  strangers 
whom  you  introduce  to  some  of  those  places  of 
public  entertainment  in  which  the  cities  abound. 
In  any  case,  you  put  your  friends  to  the  expense 
of  inviting  them  to  their  table. 

We  cannot  be  too  cautious  how  we  tax  the 
time  and  purse  of  a  friend,  or  weigh  too  seri- 
ously the  question  of  mutual  advantage  in  the 
introduction.  Always  ask  yourself  whether 
the  person  introduced  will  be  an  acceptable 
acquaintance  to  the  one  to  whom  you  present 
him  ;  and  whether  the  pleasure  of  knowing  him 
will  compensate  for  the  time  or  money  which 
it  may  cost  to  entertain  him.  If  the  stranger 
is  in  any  way  unsuitable  in  habits  or  tempera- 
ment, you  inflict  an  annoyance  upon  your  friend 
instead  of  a  pleasure.  In  questions  of  intro- 


18  GOOD    MANNERS. 

duction,  never  oblige  one  friend  to  the  discom* 
fort  of  another. 

Letters  of  introduction  are  necessary  in  the 
country,  particularly  where  new  comers  enter 
a  new  abode,  and  wish  to  enter  the  best  society 
of  the  place.  In  the  last  case  the  inhabitants 
should  call  first,  unless  the  new  comer  brings  a 
letter  of  introduction,  when  he  is  the  first  to  call. 
Instead,  however,  of  going  in.  he  sends  his  let- 
ter and  card,  and  waits  till  this  formal  visit  is 
returned.  Never  deliver  a  letter  of  introduction 
in  person.  It  places  you  in  the  most  undig- 
nified position  imaginable,  and  compels  you  to 
wait  while  it  is  being  read,  like  a  footman. 
There  is  also  another  reason  why  you  should 
not  be  yourself  the  bearer  of  your  introduction  ; 
i.  e.,  you  compel  those  to  whom  you  are  intro- 
duced to  receive  you,  whether  they  choose  or 
not.  It  may  be  that  they  arc  sufficiently  ill- 
bred  to  take  no  notice  of  the  letter  when  sent-, 
and  in  such  case,  if  you  presented  yourself  with 
it.  they  would  most  probably  receive  you  with 
rudeness. 

It  is  at  all  events  more  polite  on  your  part  to 
give  them  the  option,  and.  perhaps,  more  plea- 
sant. If  the  receivers  of  the  letter  be  really 
well-bred,  they  will  call  upon  you  or  leave  cards 
the  next  day,  and  you  should  return  their  atten- 
tions within  the  week. 

If,  on  the  other  hand,  a  stranger  sends  you 


LETTERS    OF    INTRODUCTION.  19 

a  letter  of  introduction,  and  his  or  her  card  (for 
the  law  of  etiquette  here  holds  good  for  both 
sexes),  you  are  bound,  not  only  to  call  next  day, 
but  to  follow  up  that  attention  by  others.  If 
you  are  in  a  position  to  do  so,  the  next  correct 
proceeding  is  to  send  an  invitation  to  dinner. 
Should  this  not  be  within  your  power,  you  can 
probably  escort  the  stranger  to  some  exhibition, 
concert,  public  building,  museum,  or  other  place 
likely  to  prove  interesting  to  a  foreigner  or  pro- 
vincial visitor.  In  short,  etiquette  demands  that 
you  shall  exert  yourself  to  show  kindness  to  the 
stranger,  if  only  out  of  compliment  to  the  friend 
who  introduced  him  to  you. 

If  you  invite  strangers  to  dinner  or  tea,  it  is 
a  better  compliment  to  ask  some  others,  than  to 
dine  with  them  tete-d-tetc.  You  are  thereby 
affording  them  an  opportunity  of  making  other 
acquaintances,  and  are  assisting  your  friend  in 
still  further  promoting  the  purpose  for  which 
he  gave  the  introduction  to  yourself.  Be  care- 
ful at  the  same  time  only  to  ask  such  persons 
as  you  are  quite  sure  are  the  stranger's  own 
social  equals. 

A  letter  of  introduction  must  be  carefully 
worded,  stating  clearly  the  name  of  the  person 
introduced,  but  with  as  few  personal  remarks 
as  possible.  It  suffices,  in  most  cases,  to  say 
that  so-and-so  is  a  friend  of  yours,  whom  you 
trust  your  other  friend  will  receive  with  atten- 


GOOD    MANNERS. 

tion.  In  travelling,  one  car/not  have  too  many 
letters  of  introduction.  It  is  the  custom  in 
foreign  towns  for  the  new  coiner  to  call  on  the 
residents  first,  a  hint  that  may  prove  acceptable 
to  persons  contemplating  a  long  or  short  resi- 
dence abroad. 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  be  given  un- 
sealed, not  only  because  your  friend  may  wish 
to  know  what  you  have  said,  but  also  as  a 
guarantee  of  your  own  good  faith.  As  you 
should  never  give  such  a  letter  unless  you.  can 
speak  highly  of  the  bearer,  this  rule  of  etiquette 
is  easy  to  observe.  By  requesting  your  friend 
to  fasten  the  envelope  before  forwarding  the 
letter  to  its  destination,  you  tacitly  give  per- 
mission to  inspect  its  contents.  Let  your  note- 
paper  be  of  the  best  quality  and  of  the  proper 
size. 

The  fashion  of  cards  is  a  variable  one.  The 
visiting  card  should  be  perfectly  simple.  Glazed 
cards  are  now  wholly  out  of  fashion,  and  ladies' 
cards  are  cut  smaller  than  they  used  to  be. 
Never  leave  a  card  with  y<>ui  business  address 
upon  it,  except  when  making  a  business  call. 
Never  use  a  card  that  is  ornamented  in  any 
way.  Let  it  be  perfectly  plain,  tinted  if  you 
like.  The  possessor  of  two  residences  should 
have  one  address  engraved  in  the  left  corner 
and  one  in  the  right.  All  merely  honorary  or 
official  designations  should  be  omitted,  except  in 


CARDS.  21 

cards  designed  for  purely  official  visits.  The 
engraving  should  be  in  simple  Italian  writing, 
not  in  Gothic  or  Roman  letters,  and  be  adorned 
with  no  flourishes.  The  address  should  always 
be  in  the  corner.  Some  gentlemen  and  unmar- 
ried ladies  have  adopted  the  continental  custom 
of  omitting  the  Mr.  and  Miss  upon  their  cards  j 
as 

ALFRED  JOHN  MAJORIBANKS  ; 
or 

LUCY  CARRINGTON. 

And  the  fashion  is  a  good  one.  Autographic 
fac-sirniles  for  visiting-cards  are  detestable  affec- 
tations in  any  persons  but  those  remarkable  for 
talent,  whose  autographs,  or  fac-similes  of  whose 
autographs,  would  be  prized  as  curiosities.  A 
card  bearing  the  autographic  signature  of  Long- 
fellow or  Whittier  would  possess  a  certain  inte- 
rest; whereas  the  signature  of  John  Smith  or 
Mary  Jones  would  be  not  only  valueless,  but 
would  render  the  owner  ridiculous.  Persons  in 
mourning  must  have  cards  bordered  with  black. 
Young  unmarried  ladies  living  with  their  pa- 
rents do  not  require  separate  cards.  It  is  better 
to  have  their  name  placed  below  that  of  their 
mother ;  as 

MRS.  STEWART  BFNG. 
Miss  STEWART 


22  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Some  married  people,  when  visiting  together, 
use  a  single  card,  engraved  thus: — 

MR.  &  MRS.  CHARLES  BROWN. 

Leave-taking  cards  have  P. P.O.  (pour  prendre 
conc/g)  written  in  the  corner,  or  P.D.A.  (pour 
dire  adieu). 

Wedding-cards  should  be  as  simple  and  unos- 
tentatious as  possible.  The  envelopes  and  cards 
should  be  of  the  very  best  quality. 


CHAPTER  III. 

Visiting —  Calls. 

A  MORNING  visit  should  be  paid  between  the 
JLX  hours  of  12  and  3  P.M.  Never  pay  a  visit 
before  noon  ;  and  be  careful  always  to  avoid  the 
luncheon  hours  of  your  friends.  Some  ladies 
dine  with  their  children  at  one  or  half-past  one 
o'clock,  and  are  consequently  unprepared  for  the 
early  reception  of  visitors.  When  you  have 
once  ascertained  this  to  be  the  case,  be  careful 
never  to  intrude  again  at  the  same  hour.  In 
this  country,  where  almost  every  man  has  some 
business  to  occupy  his  day,  the  evening  is  the 
best  time  for  him  to  pay  his  calls.  Never  call 
upon  a  lady  after  nine  in  the  evening. 

A  good  memory  for  these  trifles  is  one  of  the 
marks  of  good-breeding. 

A  first  visit  should  be  returned  within  three 
days.  A  visit  of  ceremony — and,  indeed,  a  visit 
of  friendship — should  always  be  brief.  If  even 
the  conversation  becomes  animated,  beware  of 
letting  your  call  exceed  half  an  hour  in  length. 
It  is  better  to  let  your  friends  regret  rather  than 
desire  your  withdrawal. 

3  (23) 


24  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Always,  when  making  a  call,  send  up  your 
card,  by  the  servant  who  opens  the  door. 

Always  leave  a  card  when  you  find  the  person 
upon^whom  you  have  called  absent  from  home. 

When  returning  visits  of  ceremony,  you  may 
without  impoliteness,  leave  your  card  at  the  door, 
without  going  in.  Do  not,  however,  fail  to  in- 
quire if  the  family  be  well.  If  there  are  visitors 
staying  in  the  house,  it  is  better  to  distinguish 
the  cards  intended  for  them  by  writing  their 
names  above  your  own.  A  married  lady,  calling 
upon  a  married  lady,  leaves  her  husband's  card 
for  the  husband  of  her  friend. 

Unless  when  returning  thanks  for  "kind  in- 
quiries," and  announcing  your  arrival  in,  or 
departure  from,  town,  it  is  not  considered  re- 
spectful to  send  round  cards  by  a  servant. 

Visits  of  condolence  are  paid  within  the  week 
after  the  event  which  occasions  them.  Personal 
visits  of  this  kind  are  made  only  by  relations 
and  very  intimate  friends,  who  should  be  care- 
ful to  make  the  conversation  as  little  painful  as 
possible. 

In  paying  visits  of  congratulation,  you  should 
always  go  in,  and  be  hearty  in  your  congratula- 
tions. Wedding  cards  are  generally  sent  round 
to  such  people  as  one  wishes  to  keep  up  ac- 
quaintance with,  and  these  will  call  first  on  the 
newly-married  pair.  A  visit  is  also  due  to  the 
parents  who  have  invited  you  to  the  wedding. 


VISITING — CALLS.  25 

A  call  should  invariably  be  made  within  a 
week  or  fortnight  upon  friends  or  acquaintances 
at  whose  house  you  have  dined,  or  from  whom 
you  have  received  an  invitation  to  dine. 

A  well-bred  person  will  endeavor  to  receive 
visitors  at  any  time.  If  you  are  occupied  and 
cannot  afford  to  be  interrupted,  it  is  better  to 
instruct  your  servant  to  say  that  you  are  never 
"at  home,"  except  upon  certain  days  and  at 
certain  hours.  If  a  servant  once  admits  a  visitor 
within  the  hall,  receive  him  at  any  incon- 
venience ;  but  take  care  that  the  circumstance 
does  not  occur  again.  A  lady  should  never 
keep  a  visitor  waiting.  Some  ladies  only  receive 
visitors  on  a  stated  day  in  each  week  ;  but  this 
is  a  somewhat  pretentious  custom,  only  to  be 
justified  by  the  exigencies  of  a  very  lofty  posi- 
tion. Umbrellas  and  overcoats  should  always 
be  left  in  the  hall. 

When  a  gentleman  makes  a  morning  call,  he 
should  never  leave  his  hat  or  riding-whip  in  the 
hall,  but  should  take  both  into  the  room.  To 
do  otherwise  would  be  to  make  himself  too  much 
at  home.  The  hat  should  never  be  laid  on  a 
table,  pianoforte,  or  any  article  of  furniture, 
but  must  be  held  properly  in  the  hand.  If  you 
are  compelled  to  lay  it  aside,  put  it  on  the  floor. 

When  going  to  spend  the  evening  with  a 
friend  whom  you  visit  often,  leave  your  hat, 
gloves,  and  great-coat  in  the  hall. 


26  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Never  take  favorite  dogs  into  a  drawing-room 
when  you  make  a  morning  call.  Their  feet  may 
he  dusty,  or  they  may  bark  at  strangers,  or, 
being  of  too  friendly  a  disposition,  may  take  the 
liberty  of  lying  on  a  lady's  gown,  or  jumping 
upon  a  velvet  sofa  or  an  easy  chair.  Besides, 
your  friend  may  have  a  favorite  cat  already 
established  before  the  fire,  and  in  that  case  a 
battle  may  ensue.  Many  persons,  too,  have  a 
constitutional  antipathy  to  dogs,  and  others 
never  allow  their  own  to  be  seen  in  the  recep- 
tion-rooms. For  all  or  any  of  these  reasons, 
a  visitor  has  no  right  to  inflict  upon  his  friend 
the  society  of  his  dog  as  well  as  of  himself. 

Neither  is  it  well  for  a  mother  to  take  young 
children  with  her  when  she  pays  morning  visits  ; 
their  presence,  unless  they  are  usually  well- 
trained,  can  only  be  productive  of  anxiety  to 
yourself  and  your  hostess.  She,  while  striving 
to  amuse  them,  or  to  appear  interested  in  them, 
is  secretly  anxious  for  the  fate  of  her  album,  or 
the  ornaments  upon  her  efag&re ;  while  the 
mother  is  trembling  lest  her  children  should 
say  or  do  something  objectionable. 

If  you  do  not  keep  a  close  carriage,  you  should 
never  pay  visits  of  ceremony  in  wet  weather. 
To  enter  a  drawing-room  with  mud-bespattered 
boots  and  damp  clothes  is  a  faux  pas  that  no 
lady  or  gentleman  will  commit. 

On  entering  a  crowded  drawing-room-,  go   at 


VISITING — CALLS.  27 

once  to  pay  your  respects  to  the  lady  of  the 
house,  and  take  the  seat  she  indicates  to  you. 
A  gentleman  should  take  any  vacant  chair  he 
may  find,  without  troubling  his  hostess  to  think 
for  him.  Place  a  chair  for  a  lady,  and  wait  until 
she  takes  it  before  you  sit  doAvn  yourself.  Never 
sit  beside  a  lady  upon  a  sofa,  or  on  a  chair  very 
near  her  own,  unless  she  invites  you  to  do  so. 

A  gentleman  ought  to  rise  upon  the  entrance 
of  ladies.  A  lady  does  not  rise.  It  is  not  per- 
missible to  leave  one's  chair  in  order  to  get 
nearer  the  fire.  As  a  general  rule,  an  intro- 
duction is  only  followed  by  a  bow,  unless  the 
persons  to  whom  your  hostess  introduces  you 
are  her  relations  or  very  old  friends,  and  for 
some  special  reason  she  desires  that  you  should 
make  their  acquaintance.  In  this  case  you  give 
your  hand.  A  man  has  no  right  to  take  a  lady's 
hand  till  it  is  offered.  Two  ladies  shake  hands 
gently  and  softly.  A  lady  gives  her  hand  to  a 
gentleman,  but  does  not  shake  his  hand  in 
return.  Young  ladies  only  bow  to  unmarried 
men.  It  is  the  privilege  of  a  superior  to  offer 
or  withhold  his  hand  5  an  inferior  should  never 
be  the  first  to  extend  the  hand.  Foreigners 
rarely  shake  hands,  and  then  only  with  intimate 
friends. 

If  other  visitors  are  announced,  and  you  have 
already  remained  as  long  as  courtesy  requires, 
wait  till  they  are  seated  ;  then  take  leave  of 


28  GOOD    MANNERS. 

your  hostess  ;  bow  politely  to  the  newly  arrived 
guests,  and  retire.  You  will,  perhaps,  be  urged 
to  remain  ;  but  having  once  arisen,  it  is  best  to 
go.  There  is  always  a  certain  air  of  c/aucherie 
in  resuming  your  seat,  and  repeating  the  cere- 
mony of  leave-taking.  If  you  have  occasion  to 
look  at  your  watch  during  a  call,  ask  permission 
to  do  so,  and  apologize  for  it  on  the  plea  of 
other  appointments. 

A  gentleman  should  rise  when  any  lady  takes 
her  leave,  and,  if  in  his  own  house,  should 
escort  her  to  her  carriage. 

Never  take  another  gentleman  to  call  upon 
one  of  your  lady  friends  without  first  obtaining 
her  permission  to  do  so. 

In  receiving  morning  visits,  it  is  not  neces- 
sary that  a  lady  should  lay  aside  the  employ- 
ment in  which  she  may  be  engaged,  particularly 
if  it  consist  of  light  or  ornamental  needle-work. 
Politeness,  however,  requires  that  music,  draw- 
ing, or  any  absorbing  occupation,  be  at  once 
abandoned.  A  well-bred  lady  pays  equal  atten- 
tion to  all  her  visitors,  and  endeavors  to  make 
conversation  as  general  as  possible.  It  is  allow- 
able to  pay  extra  attention  to  any  person  of 
distinguished  rank,  extreme  age,  or  world-wide 
reputation.  No  one  would  resent  a  little  exclu- 
sive politeness  to  a  general,  a  nonagenarian,  or  a 
Longfellow.  To  do  homage  to  the  rich,  simply 
because  they  are  rich,  is  a  piece  of  snobbism 


"VISITING — CALLS.  29 

wliK*  :/en  the  most  amiable  find  it  difficult  to 
fof0xve. 

A  lady  need  not  advance  to  receive  visitors 
when  announced,  unless  they  are  persons  to 
whom  she  is  desirous  of  testifying  particular 
respect.  It  is  sufficient  if  she  rises,  moves  for- 
ward a  single  step  to  shake  hands  with  them, 
and  remains  standing  till  they  are  seated. 

When  her  visitors  rise  to  take  leave,  she 
should  rise  also,  and  remain  standing  till  they 
have  quite  left  the  room.  It  is  not  necessary  to 
accompany  them  to  the  drawing-room  door,  but 
the  bell  should  be  rung  in  good  time,  that  the 
servant  mav  be  ready  in  the  hall  to  let  them  out. 

«/  •/ 

If  upon  entering  the  parlor  you  find  your  friend 
is  going  out,  or  that  the  lady  is  dressed  for  a 
party  or  promenade,  make  your  visit  very  brief. 
If  the  lady  is  unattended,  and  urges  your  stay, 
you  may  offer  your  service  as  an  escort. 

Do  not  let  your  host  come  further  with  you 
th^n  the  room  door  if  he  has  other  visitors  ;  but 
if  you  are  showing  out  a  friend,  and  leave  no 
others  in  the  parlor,  a  gentleman  should  come 
to  the  street-door. 

A  lady  can  never  call  upon  a  gentleman  un- 
less professionally  or  officially.  To  do  so  would 
be,  not  only  a  breach  of  good  manners,  but  of 
strict  propriety. 

A   ladv   should  dress  well,   though    not   too 

"^ 

richly,  when  she  pays  or  receives  morning  visits. 


30  GOOD    MANNERS. 

If  she  has  a  carriage  at  command,  she  may  dress 
more  elegantly  than  if  she  were  on  foot.  A 
gentleman  should  always  be  well  dressed.  No 
one.  in  the  present  day,  can  afford  to  dress 
badly. 

Trifling  as  many  of  these  little  rules  may  at 
first  sight  appear,  they  are  by  no  means  unim- 
portant. Trifles  in  the  aggregate  become  great 
social  forces. 

It  has  been  well  said  that  "  attention  to  the 
punctilios  of  politeness  is  a  proof  at  once  of 
self-respect,  and  of  respect  for  your  friend." 
Though  irksome  at  first,  these  trifles  soon  cease 
to  be  matters  for  memory,  and  become  things 
of  mere  habit.  To  the  thoroughly  well-bred 
they  are  a  second  nature.  Let  no  one  neglect 
them  who  is  desirous  of  pleasing  in  society  ; 
and,  above  all,  let  no  one  deem  them  unworthy 
of  attention.  They  are  precisely  the  trifles 
which  do  most  to  make  social  intercourse  agree- 
able, and  a  knowledge  of  which  distinguishes 
the  gentleman  and  gentlewoman  from  the  par- 
venu. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

Conversation. 

""V/'OU  shall  not  be  facile,  apologetic,  or  leaky," 
1  says  Emerson,  ''but  king  over  your 
word."  The  art  of  expressing  one's  thoughts 
in  clear,  simple,  elegant  English,  is  one  of  the 
first  to  be  attained  by  those  who  would  mix  in 
good  society.  No  matter  what  claims  you  may 
have  upon  the  world's  attention  or  respect — 
whether  you  be  a  millionaire,  a  genius,  a  dis- 
coverer, a  philanthropist — you  must  talk,  and 
talk  fairly  well,  if  you  would  not  altogether 
fail  of  producing  some  kind  of  impression  upon 
society.  To  have  something  good  to  say,  and 
to  say  it  in  the  best  possible  manner,  is  to 
insure  success  and  admiration. 

The  first  thing  necessary  for  the  attainment 
of  this  valuable  accomplishment  is  a  good  edu- 
cation. Every  well-bred  person,  as  we  have 
already  remarked,  should  be  well  acquainted 
with  the  French  language,  with  the  history  of 
his  own  country,  and  with  the  current  events 
and  literature  of  the  day.  Above  all  things,  a 
perfect  knowledge  of  English  is  indispensable. 
To  talk  of  the  nuances  and  elegancies  of  accent 


32  GOOD    MANNERS. 

and  language  to  persons  who  are  wanting  in 
rudimentary  knowledge,  is  like  discussing  the 

•/  o  o 

charms  of  literary  style  with  one  who  has  not 
yet  learned  to  spell.  Yet  let  no  one  despair  of 
being  able  to  speak  well,  however  laboriously 
he  may  have  to  contend  with  the  disadvantages 
of  neglected  education.  The  safest  and  speediest 
plan  is  at  once  to  procure  a  good  teacher.  Be- 
ware of  trusting  too  readily  to  the  guidance  of 
a  pronouncing  dictionary.  A  work  of  this  kind 
is,  for  the  most  part,  a  delusion  and  a  snare. 
With  its  phonetic  attempt  at  illustration,  it  can 
do  no  more  than  show  you  a  skeleton,  and  call 
it  a  man.  Those  who  have  had  no  educational 
advantages  in  youth  should  set  themselves  to 
learn  their  own  language  as  a  foreigner  would 
learn  it;  ?'.  e.  by  assiduously  working  with  a 
first-rate  teacher  of  elocution,  and  by  omitting 
no  opportunity  of  hearing  good  English  spoken. 
They  should  attend  public  readings,  theatres, 
lectures,  law-courts  and  the  like,  and  be  careful 
to  associate  as  little  as  possible  with  persons 
who  are  in  the  habit  of  expressing  themselves 
incorrectly  and  vulgarly.  Nothing  is  so  infec- 
tious as  a  vicious  accent  or  a  vulgar  manner. 

All  provincialisms,  affectations  of  foreign  ac- 
cent, mannerisms,  exaggerations,  and  slang  are 
detestable.    Equally  to  be  avoided  are  inaccura 
cies  of  expression,  hesitation,  and  undue  use  of 
French  or  other  foreign  words,  and  anything 


CONVERSATION.  33 

approaching  to  flippancy,  coarseness,  triviality, 
or  prevarication.  The  voice  should  never  be 
loud,  the  speech  should  not  be  accompanied  with 
gesticulation,  and  the  features  should  ever  be 
under  strict  control.  A  half -opened  mouth,  a 
smile  ready  at  any  moment  to  overflow  into  a 
laugh,  a  vacant  stare,  a  wandering  eye,  are  all 
evidences  of  ill-breeding.  One  may  be  as  awk- 
ward with  the  mouth  as  with  the  arms  or  legs. 
Suppression  of  visible  emotion,  v  .jther  of 
laughter,  or  anger,  or  mortification,  or  disap- 
pointment, is  a  sure  irvr;  of  breeding. 

Ne.  fc  to  unexceptionable  grammar,  correct 
elocution,  and  a  frank,  sclf-controlleri  bearing, 
it  is  necessary  to  be  genial.  Do  not  go  into 
society  unless  you  can  in  I'le  up  your  rnind  to  be 
cheerf'U,  sympathetic,  animating,  a  wr1]  as 
animated.  Dulness  is  one  of  the  unforgivable 
offerees.  Society  does  no'  require  you  to  be  as 
hilarious  as  if  you  ha-  just  come  into  a  fortune, 
but  you  have  no  right  to  look  as  though  you 
had  just  lost  one. 

In  die  present  day  an  acquaintance  with  art 
is  indispensable.  Music  and  painting  are  con- 
stantly discussed  in  good  society,  and  you  should 
know  something  about  the  best  works  of  the 
great  painters,  sculptors,  and  musicians.  Be  care- 
ful not  to  display  this  knowledge  too  much — 
it  may  become  tiresome,  or  you  may  be  tripped 
up  by  some  one  who  knows  more. 


34  GOOD    MANNERS. 

The  matter  of  conversation  is  as  important  as 
the  manner.  There  are  a  thousand  conversa- 
tional shoals  and  quicksands  to  be  avoided  in 
society  ;  and  though  tact  and  good  feeling  will 
for  the  most  part  point  them  out,  it  may  be  as 
well  to  enumerate  a  few  of  them. 

Compliments  are  inadmissible  in  society,  un- 
less, indeed,  they  are  so  delicately  put  as  to  be 
hardly  discernible.  All  flattery  is  vulgar,  and 
born  of  snobbism,  while  the  habit  of  neaping 
attentions  or  civil  speeches  upon  those  who  are 
richer,  better  born,  or  wiser  than  ourselves, 
induces  insincerity  on  the  one  hand  and  disgust 
on  the  other.  Even  the  best-meant  flattery  does 
harm,  since  it  is  sure  to  be  ascribed  to  interested 
motives.  Testify  your  respect,  your  admiration, 
your  gratitude,  by  deeds,  not  words.  Words 
are  easy,  deeds  difficult.  Few  will  believe  the 
first,  but  the  last  carry  confirmation  with  them. 

In  conversation  the  face  should  wear  some- 
thing which  is  akin  to  a  smile ;  a  smile,  as  it 
were,  below  the  surface. 

We  should  always  look  at  the  person  who 
addresses  us,  and  listen  deferentially  to  what- 
ever he  says.  When  we  make  answer,  we  should 
endeavor  to  express  our  best  thoughts  in  our 
best  manner.  A  loose  manner  of  expression 
injures  ourselves  more  than  our  interlocutor; 
since,  if  we  talk  carelessly  to  those  whom  we 
will  not  take  the  trouble  to  please,  we  shall  feel 


CONVERSATION.  35 

at  a  loss  for  apt  words  and  correct  elocution 
when  we  need  them. 

Always  think  before  you  speak  ;  as  thus  only 
can  you  acquire  a  habit  of  speaking  to  the 
purpose. 

A  clear  intonation,  a  well-chosen  phraseology, 
a  logical  habit  of  thought,  and  a  correct  accent, 
will  prove  of  inestimable  advantage  to  the  young 
of  both  sexes  on  beginning  life. 

Polite  vulgarisms  must  be  scrupulously 
guarded  against.  A  well-educated  person  pro- 
claims himself  by  the  simplicity  and  terseness 
of  his  language.  It  is  only  the  half-educated 
who  indulge  in  fine  language,  and  think  that 
long  words  and  high-sounding  phrases  are  dis- 
tingue. Good,  clear  Saxon  Erglish  is  nowhere 
better  studied  than  in  the  wo  As  of  Macaulay, 
Sydney  Smith,  Southey,  Jeremy  Taylor,  Defoe, 
George  Eliot,  and  Anthony  Trollope.  Such 
works  should  be  read  again  and  again. 

Anything  approaching  to  extravagance  in 
conversation  is  objectionable.  We  should  en- 
deavor to  ascertain  the  precise  meaning  of  the 
words  we  employ,  and  only  employ  them  at  the 
right  time.  Such  phrases  as  "awfully  hot/' 
"immensely  jolly,"  "abominably  dull,"  "dis- 
gustingly mean."  &c .,  &c.,  are  constantly  used 
in  the  most  reckless  manner,  and  end  by  con- 

/  »/ 

veying  no  meaning  whatever.    This  hyperbolica/ 


36  GOOD    MANNERS. 

way  of  speaking  is  mere  flippancy,  without  wit 
or  novelty  to  recommend  it 

All  "  slang"  is  vulgar.  It  has  become  of  late 
unfortunately  prevalent,  and  we  have  known 
even  ladies  pride  themselves  on  the  saucy  chiqiie 
with  which  they  adopt  certain  cant  phrases  of 
the  day.  Such  habits  cannot  be  too  severely 
reprehended.  They  lower  the  tone  of  society 
and  the  standard  of  thought.  It  is  a  great  mis- 
take to  suppose  that  slang  is  in  any  way  a  sul- 
stitute  for  wit. 

Scandal  is  the  least  excusable  of  all  conver 
sational  vulgarities. 

The  use  of  proverbs  is  very  objectionable  in 
society  ;  and  puns,  unless  they  rise  to  the  rank 
of  witticisms,  are  to  be  scrupulously  avoided. 
There  is  no  greater  nuisance  in  society  than  a 
dull  and  persevering  punster. 

Long  arguments  in  general  company,  however 
entertaining  to  the  disputants,  are,  to  the  last 
degree,  tiresome  to  the  hearers.  You  should 
always  prevent  the  conversation  from  dwelling 
too  long  on  one  topic. 

Religion  and  politics  are  subjects  which  should 
never  be  introduced  in  general  society  at  the 
dinner-table,  or  in  the  society  of  ladies.  They 
are  subjects  on  which  persons  are  most  likely 
to  differ,  and  least  likely  to  preserve  their 
temper. 

If  you  are  led  into  such  discussions,  be  care- 


CONVERSATION.  37 

ful  not  to  use  language  and  actions  unbecoming 
a  gentleman.  A  man  in  a  passion  ceases  to  be 
a  gentleman.  Even  if  convinced  your  opponent 
is  wrong,  yield  gracefully,  decline  further  dis- 
cussion, or  dexterously  turn  the  conversation. 

Interruption  of  the  speech  of  others  is  a  great 
sin  against  good  breeding.  It  has  been  aptly 
said,  that  u  if  you  interrupt  a  speaker  in  the 
middle  of  his  sentence,  you  act  almost  as  rudely 
as  if,  when  walking  with  a  companion,  you  were 
to  thrust  yourself  before  him,  and  stop  his 
progress." 

To  listen  well,  is  almost  as  great  an  art  as  to 
talk  well.  It  is  not  enough  only  to  listen.  You 
must  endeavor  to  seem  interested  in  the  conver- 
sation of  others.  Never  anticipate  the  point  of 
a  story  which  another  is  reciting,  or  take  it  from 
his  lips  to  finish  it  in  your  own  language. 

Gentlemen  should  not  make  use  of  classical 
quotations  in  the  presence  of  ladies,  without 
apologizing  for,  or  translating  them.  Even  then, 
it  should  only  be  done  when  no  other  phrase 
can  so  aptly  express  their  meaning.  Much  dis- 
play of  learning  is  pedantic  and  out  of  place  in 
a  drawing-room.  All  topics  especially  interest- 
ing to  gentlemen,  such  as  the  turf,  the  exchange, 
or  the  farm,  should  be  excluded  from  general 

^^ 

conversation.  .Men  should  also  remember  that 
all  ladies  are  not  interested  n  politics,  and  dwell, 
of  preference,  upon  such  subjects  as  they  are 


38  GOOD    MANNERS. 

sure  to  be  acquainted  with.  Never  talk  upon 
subjects  of  which  you  know  nothing,  unless  it 
be  for  the  purpose  of  acquiring  information. 
Many  young  ladies  and  gentlemen  imagine  that, 
because  they  play  a  little,  sing  a  little,  draw  a 
little,  frequent  exhibitions  and  operas,  arid  so 
forth,  they  are  qualified  judges  of  art.  No  mis- 
take is  more  egregious  or  universal.  The  young 
should  never  be  critical.  A  young  person  of 
either  sex  can  but  appear  ridiculous  when  sati- 
rizing books,  people,  or  things :  opinion,  to  be 
worth  the  consideration  of  others,  should  have 
the  advantage  of  maturity. 

Anecdotes  should  be  very  sparsely  introduced 
into  conversation,  and  should  be  invariably 
*'  short,  witty,  eloquent,  new,  not  far-fetched." 

Repartee  must  be  indulged  in  with  equal 
moderation.  Utterly  objectionable  to  all  persons 
of  taste  is  the  fast  and  flippant  style  of  speech 
adopted  by  some  fashionable  young  ladies  of  the 
present  day.  In  converging  with  men  or  women 
of  rank,  do  not  too  frequently  give  them  their 
titles ;  such  as  General.  Doctor,  &c.  -,  they  must 
always  have  the  surname  appended  by  stran- 
gers :  as,  "  What  i-'  your  opinion,  General  Mac- 
clonald  ?"  not,  u  What  is  your  opinion,  General  ?'' 
1  hope  you  are  well,  Doctor  Brown?'5  not,  "  1 
hope  you  are  well,  Doctor."  The  surname  can 
only  be  omitted  by  old  friends.  As  a  rule,  names 
should  be  used  but  seldom,  and  never  familiarly. 


CONVERSATION.  39 

Few  solecisms  give  deeper  offence  than  any 
liberty  taken  with  one's  name,  which  should 
invariably  be  spelt  and  pronounced  according  to 
the  example  of  the  possessor. 

In  the  society  of  foreigners  it  must  be  remem- 
bered that  the  custom  is  wholly  different  from 
ours.  A  Frenchman  is  always  addressed — no 
matter  whether  he  bear  a  professional,  official, 
or  military  title — as  *'  Monsieur ;"  and  you  never 
omit  the  word  "Madame,"  whether  addressing 
a  duchess  or  a  dressmaker.  However  much  we 
may  object  to  the  custom,  we  should  adopt  it 
when  in  the  society  of  foreigners,  remember- 
ing that  to  forget  the  appellatives,  "Monsieur, 
Madame,  and  Mademoiselle,"  equally  with  the 
German  "  Mein  Herr,"  and  the  Italian  "Sig- 
nore,"  would  savor  as  much  of  ill  breeding  as 
if  we  were  to  address  our  own  country-people  as 
"Sir,"  "Ma'am,"  and  "Miss,"  after  the  fashion 
of  servants. 

The  great  secret  of  talking  well  is  to  adapt 
your  conversation  as  skilfully  as  may  be  to  your 
company.  Some  men  make  a  point  of  talking 
commonplaces  to  all  ladies  alike,  as  if  a  woman 
could  only  be  a  trifler.  Others,  on  the  contrary, 
seem  to  forget  in  what  respects  the  education 
of  a  lady  differs  from  that  of  a  gentleman,  and 
commit  the  opposite  error  of  conversing  on  topics 
with  which  ladies  are  seldom  acquainted.  A 
woman  of  sense  has  as  much  right  to  be  an- 
4 


40  GOOD    MANNERS. 

noyed  by  the  one,  as  a  lady  of  ordinary  educa- 
tion by  the  other.  You  cannot  pay  a  finer 
compliment  to  a  woman  of  refinement  and  esprit 
than  by  leading  the  conversation  into  such  a 
channel  as  may  mark  your  appreciation  of  her 
superior  attainments. 

It  should  be  remembered  that  people  take 
more  interest  in  their  own  affairs  than  in  any- 
thing else  which  you  can  name.  In  tHe-a-tHe 
conversations,  therefore,  lead  a  mother  to  talk 
of  her  children,  a  young  lady  of  her  last  ball,  an 
author  of  his  forthcoming  book,  or  an  artist  of 
his  exhibition  picture.  Having  furnished  the 
topic,  you  need  only  listen  ;  and  you  are  thought 
not  only  agreeable,  but  thoroughly  sensible, 
amiable,  and  well-informed. 

Be  careful,  on  the  other  hand,  not  always  to 
make  a  point  of  talking  to  persons  upon  general 
matters  relating  to  their  professions.  To  show 
an  interest  in  their  immediate  concerns  is  flat- 
tering, but  to  converse  with  them  too  much 
about  their  own  art  or  profession  looks  as  if  you 
thought  them  ignorant  of  other  topics. 

Do  not  be  always  witty,  even  though  you  should 
be  so  happily  gifted  as  to  need  the  caution.  To 
outshine  others  on  every  occasion  is  the  surest 
road  to  unpopularity. 

In  a  tdte-d-t&te  conversation,  however  interest- 
in  ir,  it  is  extremely  ill-bred  to  drop  the  voice  to 
a  whisper,  or  to  converse  on  private  matters* 


CONVERSATION.  4l 

Members  of  a  family  should  not  converse  to- 
gether in  society. 

If  a  foreigner  be  one  of  the  guests  at  a  small 
party,  and  does  not  understand  English  suffi- 
ciently well  to  follow  what  is  said,  good  breed- 
ing demands  that  the  conversation  should  be 
carried  on  in  his  own  language,  or  that  he  should 
be  introduced  to  some  person  conversant  with  it. 

If  upon  the  entrance  of  a  visitor  you  carry  on 
the  thread  of  a  previous  conversation,  you  should 
briefly  recapitulate  to  him  what  has  been  said 
before  he  arrived. 

Always  look,  but  never  stare,  at  those  with 
whom  you  converse. 

Do  not  frequently  repeat  the  name  of  the  per- 
son with  whom  you  are  conversing ;  it  implies 
either  the  extreme  of  hauteur  or  familiarity.  We 
have  already  cautioned  you  against  the  repeti- 
tion of  titles.  Deference  can  always  be  better 
expressed  in  the  voice,  manner,  and  countenance 
than  in  any  forms  of  words. 

Never  speak  of  absent  persons  by  only  their 
Christian  names  or  surnames,  but  always  as  Mr. 
or  Mrs. .  Above  all,  never  name  any- 
body by  the  first  letter  of  his  name.  Married 
people  are  sometimes  guilty  of  this  flagrant 
offence  against  taste. 

Even  slight  inaccuracy  in  statement  of  facts 
or  opinions  should  rarely  be  remarked  on  in 


4:2  GOOD    MANNERS. 

conversation.  No  one  likes  to  be  corrected, 
especially  in  the  presence  of  others. 

Be  careful  in  company  how  you  defend  your 
friends,  unless  the  conversation  be  addressed  to 
yourself.  Remember  that  nobody  is  perfect, 
%nd  people  may  sometimes  speak  the  truth  ;  and 
that,  if  contradicted,  they  may  be  desirous  of 
justifying  themselves,  and  will  prove  what 
might  otherwise  have  been  a  matter  of  doubt. 

Never  speak  of  your  own  children,  except  to 
your  servants,  as  "Master"  Tom  or  "Miss" 
Mary.  Give  them  their  Christian  names  only. 

Remember  in  conversation  that  a  voice  ''gentle 
and  low"  is,  above  all  other  extraneous  accom- 
plishments, u  an  excellent  thing  in  woman." 
There  is  a  certain  distinct  but  subdued  tone  of 
voice  which  is  peculiar  only  te  persons  of  the 
best  breeding.  It  is  better  to  err  by  the  use  of 
too  low  than  too  loud  a  tone.  Loud  laughter 
is  extremely  objectionable  in  society. 

Conversation  is  a  reflex  of  character.  The 
pretentious,  the  illiterate,  the  impatient,  the 
envious,  will  as  inevitably  betray  tneir  idiosyn- 
crasies as  the  modest,  the  even-tempered,  and 
the  generous.  Strive  as  we  may,  we  cannot  be 
always  acting.  Let  us,  therefore,  cultivate  a 
tone  of  mind  and  a  habit  of  life,  the  betrayal 
of  which  need  not  put  us  to  shame  in  the  com- 
pany of  the  pure  and  the  wise ;  and  the  rest 


CONVERSATION.  43 

will  be  easy.  If  we  make  ourselves  worthy  of 
refined  and  intelligent  society,  we  shall  not  be 
rejected  from  it;  and  in  such  society  we  shall 
acquire  by  example  all  that  we  have  failed  to 
learn  from  precept. 

A  knowledge  of  English  and  foreign  litera- 
ture, of  home  and  foreign  politics,  of  current 
history  and  subjects  of  passing  interest,  is  ab- 
solutely necessary,  to  be  derived  from  the  best 
daily  newspapers,  the  reviews  and  magazines. 

u  You  cannot  have  one  well-bred  man,"  says 
Emerson,  "without  a  whole  society  of  such." 
Elsewhere  he  says:  "It  makes  no  difference, 
in  looking  back  five  years,  how  you  have  dieted 
or  dressed  ;  whether  you  have  been  lodged  on 
the  first  floor  or  in  the  attic;  whether  you  have 
had  gardens  and  baths,  good  cattle  and  horses, 
have  been  carried  in  a  neat  equipage,  or  in  a 
ridiculous  truck  ; — these  tilings  are  forgotten  so 
quickly,  and  leave  no  effect.  But  it  counts 
much  whether  we  have  had  good  companions 
in  that  time, — almost  as  much  as  what  we  have 
been  doing." 


CHAPTER  V. 

Letter  Writing — Invitations. 

^IIERE  is  no  branch  of  education,  no  portion 

1    of  intercourse  with  others,  and  no  quality 

which  will  stand  in  good  stead  more  frequently 

than  the  capability  of  writing  a  good  letter  upon 

any  and  every  subject. 

No  one  should  write  letters  at  all  who  cannot 
write  in  a  clear,  fair  hand,  that  "  those  who  run 
may  read."  In  a  busy  age  like  the  present, 
when  every  one's  time  has  a  certain  value,  we 
have  no  right  to  impose  the  reading  of  hiero- 
glyphics upon  our  correspondents,  /'s  should 
be  dotted,  fs  crossed,  capitals  used  in  their  pro- 
per places,  and  only  the  most  obvious  abbrevi- 
ations indulged  in.  Punctuation  is  equally  de 
rigueur  ;  the  most  unimportant  letters  should  be 
carefully  punctuated  ;  and  the  habit  is  so  easily 
acquired,  and  so  simple,  that  after  a  while  it 
entails  no  mor)s  time  or  thought  than  dotting 
the  i's.  The  handwriting  of  a  lady  or  gentle- 
man should  not  be  commercial  or  scholastic,  but 
bold,  firm,  and  characteristic.  All  affectations 
in  writing  should  be  avoided,  such  as  sloping 
one's  hand  to  the  left,  the  use  of  flourishes,  un- 

(44) 


LETTER   WRITING — INVITATIONS.        45 

due  largeness  or  smallness  of  characters,  &c., 
&c.  The  signature  should  be  simple  and  unos- 
tentatious. Nothing  is  more  absurd  than  to  see 
a  person  whose  name  can  have  no  significance 
to  the  world  in  general,  sign  himself  as  elabo- 
rately as  if  he  were  at  least  the  Pope  or  the  Pre- 
mier. Underlining  should  only  be  resorted  to 
when  the  underlined  word  is  very  important. 
Many  ladies  carry  this  practice  to  excess,  and  so 
rob  it  of  all  significance.  What  should  we  think 
of  a  speaker  who  emphasized  every  other  word  ? 

For  ordinary  correspondence  it  is  advisable 
to  use  white  note-paper  of  fair  quality,  thick, 
white,  and  perfectly  plain,  with  the  address 
printed  in  simple  characters  at  the  top.  This 
custom  saves  much  trouble  and  insures  your 
correspondent's  answer  being  correctly  ad- 
dressed. From  a  business  letter  the  address 
and  date  should  never  be  omitted. 

Write  legible,  correctly,  and  without  erasures, 
upon  a  whole  sheet  of  paper;  never  upon  a 
sheet  which  has  anything  written  upon  it, 
erasures,  or  is  soiled.  It  is  very  impolite  to  use 
for  an  answer  the  half  of  the  sheet  upon  which 
the  original  letter  was  written. 

If  monograms  and  crests  are  used,  they 
should  be  as  simple  as  possible,  and  in  one 
color  only.  Gilt  monograms  and  crests  printed 
in  many  colors  are  pretentious,  and  therefore 
not  in  good  taste.  Perhaps  the  most  simple, 


46 


GOOD    MANNERS. 


elegant,  and  dignified  way  of  setting  your  cachet 
on  your  letter  is  by  sealing  it  with  your  arms. 
Married  ladies  use  their  husbands'  arms.  Un- 
married ladies  cannot  bear  crests  or  coats  of 
arms:  but  must  only  have  the  quarterings  of 
their  fathers'  and  mothers'  arms  on  a  lozenge. 
Red  sealing-wax  is  inadmissible,  and  wafers 
must  never  be  used.  In  mourning,  the  paper 
and  envelopes  should  have  a  black  border  suit- 
able to  the  degree  of  relationship  to  the  dead, 
and  the  length  of  time  during  which  one  has 
been  in  mourning.  In  the  very  deepest  mourn- 
ing, exaggerations  of  black  border  are  unbe- 
coming and  out  of  taste.  Real  grief  is  always 
unostentatious. 

The  ceremonial  of  invitations  is  much  changed 
of  late  years.  For  large  solr£ts  and  u  At  Homes" 
printed  invitations  on  cards  and  note-paper  are 
used.  The  form  is  simply  this : — 


"MRS.  NORMAN," . 

AT  HOME. 

Monday  Evening,  June  the  H4th  inst. 


with  the  name  of  the  invited  persons  written 
above,  or  on  the  envelope.    The  least  formal  of 


LETTER   WRITING — INVITATIONS.       47 

formal  invitations  is  when  the  lady  sends  her 
own  visiting-card  with  the  invitation  written 
upon  it  in  her  own  handwriting. 

An  invitation  of  this  sort  is  not  to  be  replied  to: 
you  go  or  not,  as  you  please  ;  and,  in  the  latter 
case,  you  leave  a  card  next  day.  If  you  go, 
you  do  not  call  afterwards,  a  party  of  this  kind 
standing  on  the  same  footing  as  an  open  after- 
noon. 

Notes  of  invitation  for  evening  parties  are 
issued  in  the  name  of  the  lady  of  the  house. 
The  most  formal  may  be  worded  thus : — 

"  Mrs.  Ashton  requests  the  honor  of  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  James  Brown's  company  on  Monday 
evening,  14th  June." 

The  reply  may  run  as  follows: — 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Brown  regret  that  a 
previous  engagement  must  deprive  them  of  the 
pleasure  of  accepting  Mrs.  Ashton's  kind  invi- 
tation for  Monday,  the  14th  inst." 

Or,  ''Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Brown  have  much 
pleasure  in  accepting  Mrs.  Ashton's  kind  invita- 
tion for  the  14th  inst." 

The  old  fashioned  preliminary  of  "presenting 
compliments"  is  now  discontinued  by  the  most 
elegant  letter-writers. 

Never  ''  avail"  yourself  of  an  invitation. 
Above  all,  never  speak  or  write  of  an  invitation 
as  "an  invite."  It  is  neither  good  breeding  nor 
good  English. 


48  GOOD    MANNERS. 

When  the  invitation  is  for  a  ball,  the  "  At 
Home"  form  is  usually  adopted  5  in  which  case 
there  will  be  added,  in  the  corner,  li  Dancing," 
or  '•  Dancing  at  11  o'clock."  If  it  be  for  a 
musical  party,  intimation  must  also  be  given 
of  the  hour  at  which  the  music  begins.  The 
following  is  the  most  formal  invitation  to  a 
ball  :— 

"Mrs.  Molyneux  requests  the  pleasure  of 
Captain  Hamilton's  company  at  an  evening 
party,  on  Monday,  March  the  llth  inst. 

11  Dancing  will  begin  at  10  o'clock." 

The  answer  must  correspond,  in  this  style: — 

"  Captain  Hamilton  has  much  pleasure  in 
accepting  Mrs.  Molyneux's  kind  invitation  for 
Monday  evening,  March  the  llth  inst. 

Invitations  of  this  formal  kind  can  be  sent 
out  three  weeks  or  a  month  before  the  party 
takes  place.  In  most  cases,  a  notice  of  one  week 
is  given.  Invitations  should  be  written  on  small 
note-paper  of  the  best  quality,  with  envelope  to 
correspond,  and  sealed  with  a  small  crest,  or 
initial. 

Dinner  invitations  are  written  and  issued  in 
the  name  of  husband  and  wife. 

The  following  form  may  be  printed  or  writ- 
ten : — 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bray  request  the  honor  of  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Thomson's  company  at  dinner  on  the 
12th  of  Feb.  at  7  o'clock." 


LETTER   WRITING — INVITATIONS.        49 

If  accepted,  the  reply  is  thus  written  : — 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Thomson  have  much  pleasure 
in  accepting  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bray's  kind  invita- 
tion to  dinner  on  the  12th  of  Feb." 

The  word  "pleasure,"  may  be  substituted  for 
"  honor,"  in  inviting  friends.  The  u  afternoon" 
party  is  now  much  in  vogue,  especially  in  the 
country,  where  croquet  and  music  are  provided 
by  way  of  amusement.  A  visiting-card  may  be 
sent,  with  the  hour  of  assembling  added  in  the 
corner.  The  kind  of  amusement  provided  should 
be  intimated  on  the  card,  as  ladies  attend  croquet 
or  archery  parties  in  suitable  dresses. 

We  now  come  to  letter-writing  in  general. 
Having  already  insisted  on  the  necessity  of  good 
handwriting,  we  pass  on  to  other  matters,  such 
as  style,  form  of  address,  &c. 

No  letter  should  contain  erasures  under  any 
circumstances  whatever. 

Abbreviations  are  only  permitted  in  business 
letters,  and  in  friendly  correspondence  must 
never  be  used.  Figures  only  when  putting  a 
date  or  a  sum  of  money. 

The  name,  date,  and  address  of  a  letter  may 
be  put  either  at  the  top  of  the  page  or  at  the 
end.  In  the  former  case  at  the  right-hand  side, 
and  in  the  latter,  at  the  left-hand. 

The  stamp  should  be  placed  exactly  in  the 
right-hand  corner  of  the  envelope  ;  it  must  nei- 
ther be  upside  down,  nor  slanting,  nor  in  any 


50  GOOD    MANNERS. 

way  carelessly  affixed.  Negligence  in  these 
matters  evinces  a  rudeness  to  the  person  to  whom 
you  write,  as  showing  that  you  think  anything 
will  do.  Blots  and  smears  are  equally  inadmis- 
sible. Great  care  should  be  observed  in  address- 
ing people  by  their  proper  names.  Absent  people 
have  been  known  to  begin  a  letter  to  one  person, 
finish  to  another,  and  send  it  on  to  a  third. 

Always  when  sending  a  letter  of  inquiry,  en- 
close a  stamp  for  the  answer.  You  have  no  right 
to  take  up  a  person's  time  and  then  put  him  to 
an  expense  as  well  as  the  trouble. 

Letters  to  tradespeople  should  be  addressed  to 
Mr.  ,  or  Messrs. and . 

An  unmarried  lady  cannot  address  a  gentle- 
man as  ''•  My  dear  Sir,"  unless  she  is  very  old, 
and  he  too.  It  should  be,  "  Dear  Sir." 

Never  omit  your  own  name  and  address  from 
any  letter,  whether  of  business  or  friendship. 

In  writing  to  persons  much  your  superior  or 
inferior,  use  as  lew  words  as  possible.  In  the 
former  case,  to  take  up  much  of  a  great  man's 
time  is  to  take  a  liberty  ;  in  the  latter,  to  be 
diffuse  is  to  be  too  familiar.  It  is  only  in  cor- 
respondence with  very  intimate  friends  that  long 
letters  are  permissible.  If  occasion  necessitates 
a  letter  to  a  very  busy  person  (a  professional 
lady  or  gentleman,  for  instance),  politeness  re- 
quires that  it  should  be  i rained  as  curtly  as  is 
consistent  with  civility  and  perspicuity.  It  is 


LETTER    WRITING — INVITATIONS.        51 

unpardonable  to  take  up  people's  time  simply 
because  we  do  not  choose  to  be  at  the  trouble 
of  concentrating  our  thoughts  and  sparing  our 
words. 

In  writing  to  friends  and  acquaintances,  we 
should  never  communicate  bad  news  abruptly, 
but  should  lead  the  way  to  it  in  such  a  manner 
as  to  soften  the  blow.  A  great  deal  of  pain  may 
be  avoided  by  a  proper  choice  of  words.  And 
we  should  scrupulously  avoid  writing  too  fre- 
quently, or  at  too  great  a  length,  of  our  own 
losses  and  misfortune.  To  do  this  is  mere 
thoughtless  egotism.  We  have  a  right  to  expect 
sympathy  from  our  friends,  but  we  have  no 
right  to  make  our  letters  inflictions.  Letters 
should  invariably  be  written  in  a  tone  of  cheer- 
fulness, or,  at  least,  of  resignation. 

An  ill-tempered  letter  is  as  great  a  mistake  as 
a  lachrymose  one.  Nothing  is  so  inexpedient 
as  to  write  a  letter  in  a  fit  of  indignation  or 
anger.  If  you  must  give  way  to  your  feelings, 
write  your  letter,  but  let  it  remain  unposted  till 
the  next  day  ;  or  do  not  write  at  all,  but  seek 
instead  an  interview  with  the  person  who  has 
wronged  or  affronted  you.  Spoken  recrimina- 
tion or  reproof  is  forgotten ;  but  when  you 
have  once  written  down  and  issued  your  angry 
thoughts,  they  are  irrevocable  and  a  sure  source 
of  after  regret. 

Equally,  in  dealing  with  inferiors  who  have 


52  GOOD    MANNERS. 

acted  unfairly  by  you,  is  a  civil  tone  of  corre- 
spondence to  be  insisted  upon.  Be  as  haughty 
as  you  please,  but  state  your  grievance  in  plain 
unvarnished  terms,  and  there  end.  If  the  truth 
does  not  sting,  nothing  will ;  and  vituperation, 
though  it  does  not  injure  the  person  on  whom 
you  bestow  it,  injures  your  own  cause,  and 
detracts  from  the  dignity  of  your  position. 

In  writing,  as  in  conversation,  egotism  is  a 
capital  offence.  We  have  no  more  right  to  be 
egotistic  on  paper  than  we  have  a  right  to  be 
dull  or  disagreeable.  A  letter  should  be  like  a 
visit,  bright,  inspiriting,  and  a  reflex  of  our  best 
mood.  Above  all,  it  should  be  kind  and  sym- 
pathetic. There  are  letters  whose  arrival,  we 
hail  as  we  should  that  of  a  new  book  by  a 
delightful  writer,  or  as  the  visit  of  a  brilliant 
acquaintance.  Again  there  are  others  the  deli- 
very of  which,  anticipating  all  the  dulness  and 
verbosity  with  which  they  are  certain  to  abound, 
we  dread  like  the  incursion  of  a  well-known 
bore.  Who  would  not  wish  to  be  the  writer  of 
the  one?  Who  would  not  take  any  amount  of 
pains  with  his  correspondence  sooner  than  be 
dreaded  like  the  other? 

Attend  to  your  orthography;  many  spell 
badly  from  ignorance,  but  more  from  careless- 
ness. If  you  are  in  doubt  about  a  word,  do  not 
hesitate,  but  apply  at  once  to  the  best  diction- 
ary. Reading  with  care  will  secure  everybody 


LETTER    WRITING — INVITATIONS.        53 

from  false  spelling  ;  for  books  are  always  spelled 
well,  according  to  the  orthography  of  the  times. 
The  manner  of  writing  is  as  important  as  the 
matter. 

After  orthography,  you  should  make  it  a  point 
to  write  a  good  hand ;  clear,  legible,  and  at  the 
same  time  easy,  graceful,  and  rapid. 

See  that  the  wording  of  your  letters  is  in 
strict  accordance  with  the  rules  of  grammar. 
Nothing  stamps  the  difference  between  a  well- 
educated  man  and  an  ignorant  one  more  decid- 
edly than  the  purely  grammatical  sentences  of 
the  one  compared  with  the  labored  sentences  of 
the  other. 

Style  adorns  or  disfigures  a  subject-,  much 
depends  on  the  manner  in  which  letters  are 
written  •,  they  ought  to  be  easy  and  natural,  not 
strained  and  florid. 

The  secret  of  letter-writing  consists  in  writing 
as  you  would  speak ;  correctly  and  properly 
as  possible,  simple,  concise,  clear,  and  natural. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

The  Lady's  Toilet. 

T)ERHAPS,  in  these  days  of  public  and  private 
_L  baths,  it  may  seem  a  work  of  supereroga- 
tion to  insist  upon  cleanliness  as  the  first  requi- 
site in  a  lady's  toilet.  Yet  it  may  be  as  well  to 
remind  our  fair  readers  that  fastidiousness  on 
this  head  cannot  be  carried  too  far.  Cleanliness 
is  the  outward  sign  of  inward  purity.  Cleanli- 
ness is  health,  and  health  is  beauty. 

We  will  begin,  then,  with  the  business  of  the 
dressing-room,  which  can  be  quite  well  per- 
formed in  three-quarters  of  an  hour,  or  even 
less.  To  sleep  too  much  is  as  trying  to  the  con- 
stitution as  to  sleep  too  little.  To  sleep  too 
much  is  to  render  oneself  liable  to  all  kinds  of 
minor  ailments,  both  of  mind  and  body.  It  is  a 
habit  that  cannot  be  too  severely  censured,  espe- 
cially in  the  young.  No  mother  has  any  right 
to  allow  her  young  daughters  to  ruin  their 
tempers,  health,  and  complexions,  by  lying  in 
bed  till  nine  or  ten  o'clock.  Early  rising  con- 
duces more  to  the  preservation  of  health,  fresh- 
ness, and  young  looks,  than  anything  in  the 

(54) 


THE  LADY'S  TOILET.  55 

world,  and  even  to  the  proper  preservation  of 
our  mental  faculties. 

The  bath  is  a  most  important  object  of  study. 
It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  we  wash  in  order 
to  become  clean  ;  we  wash  because  we  wish  to 
remain  clean.  The  bath  should  be  taken  by  a 
person  in  good  health  once  a  day  in  winter,  and 
twice  a  day  in  summer.  For  persons  of  really 
robust  constitutions  a  cold  shower-bath  may  be 
recommended  ;  but  as  a  general  rule  the  sponge- 
bath  is  safest  and  most  convenient.  Cold  water 
refreshes  and  invigorates,  but  does  not  cleanse : 
those  persons,  therefore,  who  daily  use  a  cold 
bath  in  the  morning,  should  frequently  use  a 
warm  one  at  night. 

A  tepid  bath,  varying  from  85°  to  95°,  is  the 
safest  for  general  use,  the  more  particularly  as 
it  answers  the  purpose  both  of  refreshing  and 
cleansing.  It  is  not  well  to  remain  in  the  bath 
for  longer  than  two  or  three  minutes.  A  large 
coarse  sponge  is  best  for  the  purpose.  It  is  advi- 
sable to  wet  the  top  of  the  head  before  entering 
a  cold  bath.  Whether  soap  be  used  or  not,  it  is 
flrell  to  apply  the  flesh-brush  gently  to  the  face 
and  vigorously  to  the  whole  body.  Nothing 
improves  the  complexion  like  the  daily  use  of 
the  flesh-brush.  When  the  brushing  is  con- 
cluded, a  huck-a-back  or  Turkish  towel  should 
be  used  for  the  final  process  of  drying. 

The  teeth  must  be  scrupulously  cared  for.  If 
5 


56  GOOD    MANNERS. 

proper  care  were  taken  of  the  teeth  in  youth, 
there  would  be  less  employment  for  the  dentist 
in  after-life.  Very  hot  and  very  sweet  things 
should  be  avoided.  The  teeth  should  be  care- 
fully brushed,  not  only  night  and  morning,  but 
after  every  meal.  Very  hard  tooth-brushes  are 
not  advisable,  and  a  simple  tooth-powder  of 
common  chalk  is  safer  and  more  effectual  than 
any  quackeries.  The  onion,  we  need  scarcely 
observe,  must  be  the  forbidden  fruit  of  the  Eve 
of  the  nineteenth  century.  Indigestible  food  is 
also  certain  to  affect  the  sweetness  of  the  breath. 
As  soon  as  the  breath  becomes  unpleasant,  one 
mu-v  be  quite  sure  that  the  digestive  machinery 
•ut  of  order. 

The  nails  must  always  be  fastidiously  clean, 
and  never  allowed  to  grow  inordinately  long. 
In  cutting  the  nails  every  care  must  be  given  to 
the  preservation  of  the  shape,  and  to  the  removal 
of  superfluous  skin.  A  liberal  use  of  the  nail- 
brush, warm  water,  and  best  Windsor  soap  will 
insure  the  preservation  of  a  delicate  hand. 
Gloves  must  of  course  be  worn  out  of  doors; 
and  even  indoors  as  much  as  possible. 

The  hair  requires  a  good  deal  of  care,  though 
of  the  simplest  and  most  inartificial  kind.  The 
secret  of  fine  and  glossy  hair  is  a  clean  hair- 
brush -,  and  ladies  who  keep  no  maid  to  perform 
those  offices  for  them  should  wash  their  hair- 
brushes in  hot  water  and  soda  every  few  days. 


THE  LADY'S  TOILET.  57 

Once  secure  the  perfect  cleanliness  of  your 
hair-brush,  and  the  rest  will  be  easy.  Brush 
the  hair  carefully  both  at  night  and  morning ; 
let  it  be  occasionally  cleansed  with  yolk  of  egg 
beaten  up,  or  a  mixture  of  glycerine  and  lime- 
juice,  and  you  will  find  no  need  to  resort  to  hair- 
doctors  or  quacks.  Pomade  and  oil  are  strictly 
to  be  avoided  •,  but  after  a  sea-water  bath,  or 
during  a  sea  journey,  a  little  warm  pomade  will 
be  useful  in  softening  the  hair. 

Above  all  things,  never  attempt  to  change  the 
color  of  the  hair  by  means  of  fashionable  dyes 
and  fluids.  Color  so  obtained  cannot  harmonize 
naturally  with  the  skin, .eyes,  and  eyebrows  that 
Nature  has  given.  Practices  of  this  kind  are 
simply  and  strictly  immodest.  Let  ladies  be 
careful  in  regard  to  diet,  take  regular  exercise 
in  the  open  air,  wear  broad-brimmed  hats  in  the 
sun,  and  veils  in  the  wind  5  let  them  avoid  pearl 
powders  and  washes  of  every  kind  ;  let  them, 
above  all  things,  go  early  to  bed,  and  rise  be- 
times  in  the  morning ;  and  if  by  so  doing  they 
are  not  made  "  beautiful  for  ever,"  they  can 
never  be  made  so. 

The  face  should  never  be  washed  when  heated 
from  exercise.  Wipe  the  perspiration  from  the 
skin,  and  wait  till  it  is  sufficiently  cool  before 
you  bathe,  even  with  warm  water.  Rain  water 
is  best  for  the  bath.  In  case  of  any  eruption 
upon  the  skin,  no  time  should  be  lost  in  pro- 


58  GOOD    MANNERS. 

curing  medical  advice.  He  who  doctors  him- 
self, says  the  proverb,  has  a  fool  for  his  phy- 
sician. 

With  regard  to  Dress,  it  is  impossible  to  do 
more  than  offer  a  few  general  observations.  The 
fashion  of  dress  is  of  to-day ;  but  the  aesthetics 
of  dress  are  for  all  time.  No  matter  to  what 
absurd  lengths  fashion  may  go,  a  woman  of 
taste  will  ever  avoid  the  ridiculous.  The  milli- 
ner and  dressmaker  may  handle  the  scissors 
never  so  despotically,  but  in  matters  of  color, 
harmony,  and  contrast  they  remain  under  the 
control  of  their  employer.  Dress,  indeed,  may 
fairly  claim  to  be  considered  in  the  light  of  a 
fine  art.  To  dress  well  demands  something 
more  than  a  full  purse  and  a  pretty  figure.  It 
requires  taste,  good  sense,  and  refinement. 

A  woman  of  taste  and  good  sense  will  neither 
make  dress  her  first  nor  her  last  object  in  life. 
She  will  remember  that  no  wife  should  betray 
that  total  indifference  for  her  husband's  taste 
•which  is  implied  in  the  neglect  of  her  appear- 
ance ;  and  she  will  also  remember  that  to  dress 
consistently  and  tastefully  is  one  of  the  duties 
which  she  owes  to  society. 

There  is  a  Spanish  proverb  which  says, 
"  Every  hair  has  its  shadow."  So,  in  like 
manner,  every  lady,  however  insignificant  her 
social  position  may  appear  to  herself,  must  exer- 
cise a  certain  influence  on  the  feolings  and  opi- 


THE  LADY'S  TOILET.  59 

nions  of  others.  If,  therefore,  the  art  of  dressing 
appears  either  too  irksome  or  too  frivolous  to 
such  of  the  fair  sex  as  are  engaged  in  serious 
occupations,  let  them  remember  that  it  performs 
the  same  part  in  beautifying  domestic  life  as  is 
performed  by  music  and  the  fine  arts  in  embel- 
lishing the  life  moral  and  spiritual.  So  long, 
therefore,  as  dress  merely  occupies  so  much  time 
and  requires  so  much  money  as  we  are  fairly 
entitled  to  allow  it,  nothing  can  be  said  against 
it.  When  extravagant  fashions  are  indulged  in — 
extravagant  habits  fostered  at  any  cost  and  under 
any  circumstances — the  critic  is  quite  justified 
in  his  strictures,  however  severe.  Dress,  to  be  in 
perfect  taste,  need  not  be  costly  ;  and  no  woman 
of  right  feeling  will  adorn  her  person  at  the  ex- 
pense of  her  husband's  comfort  or  her  children's 
education. 

"  As  a  work  of  art  a  well-dressed  woman  is 
•a  study."  Her  toilette  will  be  as  bien  soignee 
and  as  well  chosen  at  the  family  breakfast-table 
as  at  the  ball.  If  she  loves  bright  colors  and 
can  wear  them  with  impunity,  they  will  be 
as  harmoniously  arranged  as  an  artist  arranges 
his  colors  on  the  palette.  If  she  is  young,  her 
dress  will  be  youthful ;  if  she  is  old,  it  will  not 
affect  simplicity.  She  will  always  follow  rather 
than  lead  the  prevailing  fashion,  and  rather 
follow  her  own  fashion  than  violate  good  taste 
or  common  sense. 


60  GOOD    MANNERS. 

The  golden  rule  in  dress  is  to  avoid  extremes. 
Do  not  be  so  original  in  your  dress  as  to  be  pe- 
culiar; and  do  not  affect  fashions  that  are  radi- 
cally unbecoming  to  you.  Ladies  who  are  neither 
very  young  nor  very  striking  in  appearance  can- 
not do  better  than  wear  quiet  colors.  Ladies 
who  are  not  rich  can  always  appear  well  dressed, 
with  a  little  care  in  the  choice  and  arrangement 
of  the  materials.  Whatever  the  texture  of  the 
dress,  it  should  be  made  by  the  very  best  dress- 
maker you  can  afford.  As  well  go  to  a  third  or 
fourth-rate  dentist,  music-master,  or  doctor,  as 
go  to  a  third  or  fourth-rate  dressmaker.  The 
dressmaker  is  a  woman's  good  or  evil  genius. 

Morning  dress  should  be  faultless  in  its  wray. 
For  young  ladies,  married  or  unmarried,  nothing 
is  prettier  in* summer  than  Avhite  or  very  light 
morning  dresses  of  washing  materials.  Light 
dresses  must  be  exquisitely  fresh  and  clean, 
ribbons  fresh,  collars  and  cuifs  irreproachable 
All  stuffs  are  to  be  rigidly  eschewed  except  those 
of  the  very  finest  kind.  Morning  dress  for 
elderly  ladies  of  wealth  and  position  should  be 
of  dark  silk.  Jewellery,  hair  ornaments,  and 
light  silk  dresses  are  not  permissible  for  morn- 
ing wear. 

Walking  dress  should  always  be  quiet.  Rich 
walking  dress  attracts  attention,  which  in  the 
street  is  not  desirable.  For  the  carriage,  a  lady 
may  dress  as  elegantly  as  she  pleases. 


THE  LADY'S  TOILET.  61 

Elderly  ladies  should  always  dress  richly. 
Any  thin  old  lady  may  .wear  delicate  colors, 
whilst  a  stout,  florid  person  looks  best  in  black 
or  dark  gray.  For  young  as  well  as  old,  the 
question  of  colors  must,  however,  be  determined 
by  complexion  and  figure.  Rich  colors  harmo- 
nize with  rich  brunette  complexions  and  dark 
hair  5  delicate  colors  are  the  most  suitable  for 
delicate  and  fragile  styles  of  beauty. 

For  ball  dresses  light  and  diaphanous  mate- 
rials are  worn  ;  silk  dresses  are  not  suitable  for 
dancing.  Black  and  scarlet,  black  and  violet, 
or  white,  are  worn  in  mourning  5  but  ladies  in 
deep  mourning  should  not  go  to  balls  at  all. 
They  must  not  dance,  and  their  dark  dresses  look 
out  of  place  in  a  gay  assembly. 

At  dinner  parties,  unless  of  a  small,  friendly 
kind,  only  the  fullest  dress  is  appropriate. 
Demi-toilette  can  be  worn  at  unceremonious 
dinners,  and  even  high  dresses,,  if  the  material 
be  sufficiently  rich.  It  is  better  to  wear  real 
flowers  at  large  dinner  parties,  but  artificial 
ones  at  balls  ;  since  the  former  would  droop  and 
fall  to  pieces  with  the  heat  and  the  dancing. 

Much  jewellery  is  out  of  place  for  young 
ladies  at  any  time ;  and,  indeed,  there  is  as 
much  propriety  to  be  observed  in  the  wearing 
of  jewellery  as  in  the  wearing  of  dresses. 
Diamonds,  pearls,  rubies,  and  all  transparent 
precious  stones  belong  to  evening  dress,  and 


62  GOOD    MANNERS. 

should  never  be  worn  before  dinner.  Ii,  the 
morning,  one's  rings  should  be  of  the  simplest 
kind,  and  one's  jewellery  limited  to  a  good 
brooch,  gold  chain,  and  watch.  Diamonds  and 
pearls  are  as  much  out  of  place  during  the 
morning  as  a  low  dress  or  a  wreath. 

It  is  well  to  remember  in  the  choice  of  jewel- 
lery that  mere  costliness  is  not  always  the  test 
of  value ;  and  that  an  exquisite  work  of  art, 
such  as  a  fine  intaglio  or  cameo,  or  a  natural 
rarity,  such  as  a  black  pearl,  is  a  possession  more 
dixtinf/uti  than  a  large  brilliant  which  any  one 
who  has  money  enough  can  buy  as  well  as  your- 
self. Of  all  precious  stones  the  opal  is  the  most 
lovely  and  least  commonplace.  No  merely  vul- 
gar woman  purchases  an  opal. 

Gloves,  shoes,  and  boots  must  always  be  fault- 
less.  Gloves  cannot  be  too  light  for  the  carriage, 
or  too  dark  for  the  streets.  A  woman  with  ill- 
fitting  gloves  cannot  be  said  to  be  well  dressed ; 
while  to  wear  soiled  gloves  at  your  friend's 
soiree  is  to  show  her  that  you  think  lightly  of 
herself  and  her  company. 

It  may  be  remarked,  by  the  way,  that  per- 
fumes should  be  used  only  in  the  evening,  and 
with  the  strictest  moderation.  Perfumes  to  be 
tolerable  must  be  of  the  most  rechercht  kind. 
Some  people  of  sensitive  temperament  would  bo 
made  ill  by  the  smell  of  musk  or  patchouli. 


THE  LADY'S  TOILET.  63 

Finally,  let  every  lady  remember  Dr.  John- 
son's criticism  on  a  lady's  dress :  "  I  am  sure 
she  was  well  dressed,"  said  the  Doctor,  u  for  I 
cannot  remember  what  she  had  on." 


CHAPTER  VII. 

The  Gentleman 's  Toilet. 

IT  has  been  aptly  said  that  ('  the  bath  deserves 
an  Order."  The  first  requisite  of  a  gentle- 
man's toilet  is  undoubtedly  the  bath,  which 
should  be  as  bracing  as  the  constitution  will 
allow,  and  used  morning  and  night  in  summer, 
and  every  day  in  winter.  Country  gentlemen 
who  live  much  in  the  open  air,  and  take  plenty 
of  exercise,  have  no  excuse  for  shirking  the  cold 
shower-bath;  but  denizens  of  cities  and  men 
who  are  obliged  to  lead  very  sedentary  lives 
cannot  indulge  with  equal  safety  in  this  luxury, 
and  must  never  continue  it  in  the  teeth  of  rea- 
son and  experience.  Only  physiques  of  finest 
quality  can  endure,  much  more  benefit  by,  a 
cold-water  shock  all  the  year  round  5  and  though 
physique  is  always  improvable,  great  reforma- 
tion must  not  be  attempted  rashly.  Let  the 
bath  of  from  60°  to  70°  be  freely  indulged  in 
by  the  strong,  and  even  by  the  less  robust,  in 
summer  time ;  but  in  winter  a  temperature 
varying  from  85°  to  95°  is  the  safest.  The  flesh- 
brush  should  be  vigorously  applied  to  all  parts 
of  the  body,  after  which  the  skin  must  be  care- 

(64) 


THE  GENTLEMAN'S  TOILET.          65 

fully  dried  with  Turkish  or  huck-a-back  towels. 
It  is  well  to  remain  without  clothing  for  some 
little  time  after  bathing.  Nothing  is  so  healthy 
as  exposure  of  the  body  to  air  and  sun  ;  a 
French  physician  has  recommended  the  sun- 
bath  as  a  desirable  hygienic  practice.  A  bath  in 
fresh  wTater  should  always  be  taken  after  a 
sea-dip. 

The  next  thing  to  be  done  is  to  clean  the 
teeth.  This  should  be  done  with  a  good  hard 
tooth-brush  at  least  twice  a  day.  Smokers 
should  rinse  the  mouth  immediately  after 
smoking,  and  should  be  careful  to  keep  the 
teeth  scrupulously  clean.  The  nails  should 
also  be  kept  exquisitely  clean  and  short.  Long 
nails  are  an  abomination. 

Our  advice  to  those  who  shave  is,  like  Punch's 
advice  to  those  about  to  marry — "  Don't."  But 
it  must  by  no  means  be  understood  that  suffer- 
ing the  beard  to  grow  is  a  process  that  obviates 
all  trouble.  The  beard  should  be  carefully  and 
frequently  washed,  wrell  trimmed,  and  well 
combed,  and  the  hair  and  whiskers  kept  scrupu- 
lously clean  by  the  help  of  clean  stiff  hair- 
brushes, and  soap  and  warm  water.  The  style 
of  the  beard  should  be  adapted  to  the  form  of 
the  face  ;  but  any  affectation  in  the  cut  of  beard 
and  whiskers  is  very  objectionable,  and  augurs 
unmitigated  vanity  in  the  wearer.  Long  hair 
is  never  indulged  in  except  by  painters  and 


66  GOOD    MANNERS. 

fiddlers.  The  moustache  should  be  worn  neat, 
and  not  over  large.  A  moustache  like  that 
worn  by  the  King  of  Italy,  or  a  needle-point 
moustache,  a  V Empereur,  cannot  be  worn  with 
impunity. 

A  gentleman  should  always  be  so  well  dressed, 
that  his  dress  shall  never  be  observed  at  all. 
Does  this  sound  like  an  enigma?  It  is  not 
meant  for  one.  It  only  implies  that  perfect 
simplicity  is  perfect  elegance,  and  that  the  true 
test  of  dress  in  the  toilette  of  a  gentleman  is  its 
entire  harmony,  unobtrusiveness,  and  becoming- 
ness.  Display  should  be  avoided.  Let  a  sen- 
sible man  leave  the  graces  and  luxuries  of  dress 
to  his  wife,  daughters,  and  sisters,  and  not  seek 
distinction  in  the  trinkets  of  his  watch-chain,  or 
the  pattern  of  his  waistcoat.  To  be  too  much 
in  the  fashion  is  as  vulgar  as  to  be  too  far 
behind  it.  No  really  well-bred  man  follows 
every  new  cut  that  he  sees  in  his  tailor's  fashion- 
book.  Only  very  young  men  are  guilty  of  this 
folly. 

A  man  whose  dress  is  appropriate,  neat,  and 
clean  will  always  look  like  a  gentleman ;  but — 
to  dress  appropriately,  one  must  have  a  varied 
wardrobe.  This  should  not,  on  the  average, 
cost  more  than  a  tenth  part  of  his  income.  No 
man  can  afford  more  than  a  tenth  of  his  income 
for  dress. 

The  author  of  "  Pelhani"  has  aptly  said  that 


THE  GENTLEMAN'S  TOILET.          67 

**  A  gentleman's  coat  should  not  fit  too  well." 
There  is  great  truth  and  subtlety  in  this  obser- 
vation. To'be  fitted  too  well  is  to  look  like  a 
tailor's  dummy. 

Let  the  dress  suit  the  occasion.  In  the  morn- 
ing wear  a  frock  coat,  and  trousers  of  light  or 
dark  color,  as  befits  the  season.  When  in  the 
country  or  at  the  sea-side,  gray  or  shooting 
costumes  are  best. 

For  evening  parties,  dinner  parties,  and  balls, 
wear  a  black  dress  coat,  black  trousers,  black 
silk  or  cloth  waistcoat,  thin  patent  leather  boots. 
a  white  cravat,  and  white  kid  gloves.  Abjure 
all  fopperies,  such  as  white  silk  linings,  silk 
collars,  &c.  5  above  all,  the  shirt  front  should 
be  plain.  At  small,  unceremonious  dinner 
parties,  gloves  are  not  necessary ;  but,  when 
worn,  they  should  be  new  and  fit  well.  Economy 
in  gloves  is  an  insult  to  society.  A  man's  jewel- 
lery should  be  of  the  best  and  simplest  descrip- 
tion. False  jewellery,  like  every  other  form 
of  falsehood  and  pretence,  is  unmitigated  vul- 
garity. 

Elaborate  studs  and  sleeve-links  are  all  fop- 
pish and  vulgar.  A  set  of  good  studs,  a  gold 
watch  and  guard,  and  one  handsome  ring,  are 
as  many  ornaments  as  a  gentleman  can  wear 
with  propriety.  For  a  ring,  the  man  of  fine 
taste  would  prefer  a  precious  antique  intaglio 


68  GOOD    MANNERS. 

to  the  handsomest  diamond  or  ruby  that  could 
be  bought. 

Lastly,  a  man's  jewellery  should  always  have 
some  use,  and  not,  like  a  lady's,  be  worn  for 
ornament  only. 

The  necktie  for  dinner,  the  opera,  and  balls, 
must  be  white,  and  the  smaller  the  better.  It 
should  be  too  of  fine  linen,  or  a  washable  tex- 
ture, not  silk,  nor  netted,  nor  hanging  down, 
nor  of  any  foppish  production,  but  a  simple, 
white  tie,  without  any  embroidery.  The  black 
tie  is  admitted  for  evening  parties,  and  should 
be  equally  simple. 

Colored  shirts  may  be  worn  in  the  morning ; 
but  they  should  be  .small  in  pattern  and  quiet  in 
color.  Fancy  cloths  of  conspicuous  patterns 
are  exceedingly  objectionable.  With  a  colored 
flannel  shirt  always  wear  a  white  collar  and 
wristbands.  The  hat  should  always  be  black  ; 
and  caps  and  straw  hats  are  only  admissible  in 
summer. 

If  spectacles  are  necessary,  they  should  be 
of  the  best  and  lightest  make,  and  mounted  in 
gold,  or  blue  steel.  For  weak  sight,  blue  or 
smoke-colored  glasses  are  the  best;  green  glasses 
are  detestable. 

A  gentleman  should  never  be  seen  in  the 
street  without  gloves.  Worsted  or  cotton  gloves 
are  not  permissible.  A  man's  clothes  should 
always  be  well  brushed,  and  never  threadbare  or 


THE  GENTLEMAN'S  TOILET.          69 

shabby.  No  gentleman  can  afford  to  wear  shabby 
clothes.  An  old  hunting  coat,  however,  is  more 
coveted  by  the  practised  sportsman  than  a  new 
one  5  the  bright  clean  *'  pink"  being  the  indica- 
tion of  a  novice  in  the  field. 

For  the  country,  or  the  foreign  tour,  a  gentle- 
man will  select  a  costume  of  some  light  woollen 
material,  flannel  shirts,  thick  boots,  and  every- 
thing to  correspond.  Dandyism  is  never  more 
out  of  place  than  on  the  glacier,  or  among  the 
Adirondack  fisheries. 

There  are  three  things  one  should  consult  in 
the  matter  of  dress  if  one  would  always  appear 
like  a  gentleman,  viz.  expense,  comfort,  and 
society.  If  there  is  one  thing  in  this  world 
about  which  we  can  entertain  any  degree  of 
moral  certainty,  it  is  that  we  must  pay  our 
tailor's  bills.  If  therefore  our  means  are  .dis- 
proportionate to  our  wants,  we  must  remember 
the  old  proverb,  "Cut  your  coat  according  to 
your  cloth/'  and  dress  as  well  as  you  possibly 
can  upon  l?ttle  money. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

Riding  and  Driving. —  The  Ptomenade. 

T)  IDING  is  an  accomplishment  in  which  all 
A_\J  ladies  and  gentlemen  should  be  proficient ; 
but  to  ride  well,  one  must  be  taught  early  and 
practise  constantly.  Riding,  like  swimming, 
cannot  be  taught  by  precept. 

Those  who  wish  to  ride  well  must  learn  on 
horseback  ;  as  much  on  the  road,  and  as  little 
in  the  school,  as  possible.  So  much  of. our 
health  and  happiness  depends  upon  out-of-door 
exercise,  that  the  art  of  riding  cannot  be  too 
much  encouraged  by  the  wealthy.  For  persons 
of  moderate  means  it  is  wholly  out  of  the  ques- 
tion. Those  who  can  afford  it,  who  travel,  and 
whose  health  requires  bracing  exercise,  should 
consider  money  laid  out  upon  this  accomplish- 
ment as  so  many  shares  purchased  in  an  Un- 
limited-Health Promotion  Company.  Of  all 
recreations,  horse-exercise  is  the  most  exhi- 
larating. 

A  lady's  riding-habit  should  be  simple,  close- 
fitting,  and  made  by  a  first-rate  tailor.  Showy^ 
eccentric  innovations  are  in  bad  taste.  It  H 

(70) 


RIDING    AND    DRIVING.  71 

better  to  wear  the  hat  that  is  most  in  fashion  ; 
and,  except  in  the  country,  dark  habits  are 
always  preferable  to  light  For  ladies  who  ride 
a  g^at  deal,  it  is  better  to  have  a  dark  habit  for 
town,  and  a  light  gray  one  for  the  country  and 
sea-side.  Scarlet  habits,  and  jackets  trimmed 
with  green,  for  hunting  are  very  objectionable. 
It  is  only  in  her  whip  that  a  lady  can  indulge 
her  love  of  luxury.  This  may  In;  as  jewelled, 
as  rich,  and  as  dainty,  as  she  pleases.  Hiding- 
gloves  must  be  unexceptionable. 

The  art  of  mounting  must  be  properly  ac- 
quired ;  since  in  riding,  as  in  other  things,  it  is 
proficiency  in  trifles  that  proclaims  the  artist. 
The  lady  having  mounted  the  riding-steps, 
places  her  left  foot  in  the  stirrup,  rises  into  her 
seat,  and  lifts  the  right  leg  dexterously  into  its 
place,  taking  care  to  let  the  habit  fall  properly. 
If  no  riding-steps  are  at  hand,  it  is  the  place  of 
her  escort  or  groom  to  assist  her  to  the  saddle. 
Hence  it  is  necessary  to  learn  to  mount  in  both 
ways.  In  the  latter  case,  she  puts  her  left  foot 
in  the  right-hand  of  the  gentleman  or  servant 
in  attendance  ;  he  lifts  it  vigorously  but  gently  ; 
and  «he  springs  lightly  into  the  saddle.  Ladies 
who  ride  much,  and  wish  to  preserve  their 
figures  straight,  should  have  two  saddles,  and 
change  sides  from  time  to  time.  They  should 
also  be  accustomed  to  ride  different  horses,  as 
by  no  other  means  can  perfect  confidence  be 
6 


72  GOOD    MANNERS. 

acquired.  It  is  better  to  ride  only  one  horse, 
but  to  fear  none. 

The  great  point  in  riding  is  to  sit  straight  in 
the  middle  of  your  saddle,  to  know  the  temper 
of  your  horse,  and  to  be  able  to  enjoy  a  good 
gallop  in  moderation.  Ladies  should  not  lean 
forward  as  they  ride.  They  should  rise  as  little 
as  possible  in  trotting.  They  should,  above  all, 
know  how  to  hold  the  reins,  the  different  uses 
of  each,  and  the  common  rule  of  the  road.  The 
first  two  points  are  only  taught  by  practice,  and 
the  last  is  attained  in  a  day's  ride.  Ladies  who 
have  country-houses,  and  who  stay  much  in  the 
country,  should  learn  to  drive  as  well  as  to  ride. 
The  chief  point  in  driving  is  moderation.  You 
should  never  drive  too  fast,  especially  round 
corners,  and  should  ease  your  horse  as  much  as 
possible  in  going  up  hill.  Ladies  who  drive 
ought  to  know  something  about  harness.  On 
alighting  from  or  entering  the  carriage,  the  dress 
should  never  be  held  up,  but  should  be  allowed 
to  trail  on  the  ground. 

If  you  assist  a  lady  to  mount,  hold  your  hand 
at  a  convenient  distance  from  the  ground  that 
she  may  place  her  foot  in  it.  As  she  springs, 
you  aid  her  by  the  impetus  of  your  arm.  Prac- 
tice only  will  enable  you  to  do  this  properly.  A 
gentleman,  in  riding  with  a  lady,  never  permits 
her  to  pay  the  tolls.  If  good  riding  is  neces- 
Bary  for  a  lady,  it  is  doubly  so  for  a  man.  A 


RIDING    AND    DRIVING.  73 

gentleman's  education  cannot  be  called  com- 
plete unless  he  can  ride  well.  If  this  has  been 
neglected  early  in  life,  no  time  should  be  lost 
in  repairing  the  error.  By  riding  first  with 
a  careful  master  for  some  months,  and  after- 
wards quite  regularly  alone,  considerable  pro 
ficiency  may  be  attained  even  at  a  late  period. 

When  attending  a  lady  in  a  horseback  ride, 
never  mount  your  horse  until  she  is  ready  to 
start.  Give  her  your  hand  to  assist  her  in 
mounting,  arrange  the  folds  of  her  habit,  hand 
her  her  reins  and  her  whip,  and  then  take  your 
own  seat  on  your  saddle. 

Let  her  pace  be  yours.  Start  when  she  does, 
and  let  her  decide  how  fast  or  slowly  she  will 
ride.  Never  let  the,  head  of  your  horse  pass  the 
shoulder  of  hers,  and  be  Avatchful  and  ready  to 
render  her  any  assistance  she  may  require. 
Never,  by  rapid  riding,  force  her  to  ride  faster 
than  she  may  desire. 

Do  not  touch  her  bridle,  reins,  or  whip,  ex- 
cept she  particularly  requests  your  assistance, 
or  an  accident,  or  threatened  danger,  makes  it 
necessary. 

If  there  is  dust  or  wind,  ride  so  as  to  protect 
her  from  it  as  far  as  possible.  If  the  road  is 
muddy  be  careful  that  you  do  not  ride  so  as  to 
bespatter  her  habit.  It  is  best  to  ride  on  the 
side  away  from  that  on  which  her  habit  falls. 

A  m0,u  should  be  able  to  mount  on  either  side 


74  (100D    MANNERS. 

of  the  horse.  He  places  his  left  foot  in  the 
stirrup,  his  left  hand  on  the  saddle,  and  swings 
himself  up,  throwing  his  right  leg  over  the 
horse's  back.  Nothing  is  more  graceless  than 
to  see  a  man  climb  with  both  hands  into  his 
seat.  A  firm  light  seat  is  only  learned  by  assi- 
duous practice.  The  chief  rules  are  to  sit 
upright,  but  not  stiffly,  and  well  back  in  the 
saddle  ;  to  keep  the  knees  pressed  well  in  against 
the  sides  of  the  saddle,  and  the  feet  parallel  to 
the  horse's  body  5  and  to  turn  the  toes  in  rather 
than  out.  The  foot  should  be  about  half-way 
in  the  stirrup,  which  in  long  riding  slips  down 
to  the  hollow  of  the  foot.  The  great  desidera- 
tum in  the  art  of  riding  is  plenty  of  confidence. 
Of  course  a  fearless  rider  can  ride  ungracefully, 
but  no  timid  person  can  fail  to  be  awkward. 

In  driving,  again,  there  is  a  difference  of 
style.  The  art  is  simple  enough,  but  it  requires 
practice.  The  good  driver  will  understand  the 
horse  he  has  to  drive,  and  will  use  him  well, 
whether  the  beast  be  his  own  or  another's.  He 
will  turn  his  corners  gently  or  slowly,  and  will 
know  when  to  put  on  the  steam  and  when  to 
turn  it  off'.  He  will,  of  course,  understand  the 
management  of  his  harness.  Accidents  may 
occur  from  the  most  trifling  disarrangement  of 
the  harness,  and  no  one  should  handle  the  reina 
who  cannot  harness  and  unharness  a  horse. 

No  one  should  pretend  to  hunt  who  has  not  a 


RIDING    AND    DRIVING.  75 

good  seat,  a  good  horse,  and  plenty  of  ''pluck  ;" 
much  less  should  an  incompetent  rider  venture 
upon  riding  a  friend's  horse.  It  has  been  said 
that  u  A  man  may  forgive  you  for  breaking  iiis 
daughter's  heart,  but  never  for  breaking  his 
hunter's  neck  ' 

In  the  carriage,  a  gentleman  places  himself 
with  his  back  to  the  horses,  and  leaves  the  best 
seat  for  the  ladies.  Only  very  elderly  gentle- 
men are  privileged  to  accept  the  best  seat  to  the 
exclusion  of  young  ladies.  When  the  carriage 
stops,  the  gentleman  should  alight  first,  in  order 
to  assist  the  lady.  To  get  in  and  out  of  a  car- 
riage gracefully  is  a  simple  but  important  ac- 
complishment. If  there  is  but  one  step,  and 
you  are  going  to  take  your  seat  facing  the 
horses,  put  your  left  foot  on  the  step,  and  enter 
the  carriage  with  your  right  in  such  a  manner 
as  to  drop  at  once  into  your  seat.  If  you  are 
about  to  sit  with  your  back  to  the  horses,  re- 
verse the  process.  As  you  step  into  the  car- 
riage, be  careful  to  keep  your  back  towards  the 
seat  you  are  about  to  occupy,  so  as  to  avoid  the 
awkwardness  of  turning  when  once  in.  A  gentle- 
man cannot  be  too  careful  to  avoid  stepping  on 
ladies'  dresses  when  he  gets  in  or  out  of  a  car- 
riage. He  should  also  beware  of  shutting  then? 
in  with  the  carriage  door. 

Never  put  your  arm  across  the  seat,  or  around 
her,  as  many  do  in  riding.  It  is  an  imperti- 


76  GOOD    MANNERS. 

nence  which  she  would  very  properly  resent  aa 
such. 

If  you  offer  to  drive  any  one  home  in  your 
vehicle,  always  drive  to  their  house  first,  no 
matter  how  much  you  may  have  to  drive  out  of 
your  way. 

If  a  lady  has  been  making  purchases  during 
a  walk,  she  may  permit  the  gentleman  who 
accompanies  her  to  carry  any  very  small  parcel 
that  she  may  have  in  her  hand  ;  but  she  should 
not  burden  him  with  more  than  one  under  any 
circumstances  whatever.  No  lady  should  per- 
mit any  gentleman  who  is  not  a  near  relative, 
or  a  very  old  friend  of  her  family,  to  defray  the 
cost  of  entrance  to  any  theatre  or  exhibition,  or 
to  pay  for  her  refreshment  or  vehicles  when  she 
happens  to  be  under  his  protection. 

Two  ladies  can  without  impropriety,  though 
the  habit  is  a  singularly  ungraceful  one,  take 
each  one  arm  of  a  single  cavalier ;  but  one  lady 
cannot,  with  either  grace  or  the  sanction  of  cus- 
tom, take  the  arms  of  two  gentlemen  at  the 
same  time. 

When  a  lady  is  walking  with  a  gentleman  in 
any  public  park  or  garden,  or  through  the  rooms 
of  an  exhibition,  it  is  the  gentleman's  duty  to 
find  her  a  seat.  If,  however,  as  is  frequently 
the  case,  he  is  himself  compelled  to  remain 
standing,  the  lady  should  make  a  point  of  rising 
as  soon  as  she  is  sufficiently  rested,  and  not 


RIDING    AND    DRIVING.  77 

at/use  either  the  patience  or  politeness  of  her 
companion. 

It  is  the  place  of  the  lady  to  bow  first  if  she 
meets  a  gentleman  of  her  acquaintance.  On 
meeting  friends  or  acquaintances  in  the  .streets, 
the  exhibitions,  or  any  public  places,  one  must 
be  careful  not  to  pronounce  their  names  so 
loudly  as  to  attract  the  attention  of  strangers. 
Never  call  across  the  street,  and  never  attempt 
to  carry  on  a  dialogue  in  a  public  vehicle,  unless 
your  interlocutor  occupies  the  seat  beside  your 
own. 

In  railway  travelling  a  lady  cannot  open  a 
conversation  with  strangers,  though,  if  ad- 
dressed in  a  respectful  manner,  she  must  an- 
swer politely. 

It  is  well  to  recognise  any  public  salutation, 
even  from  persons  whom  you  do  not  wish  to 
visit.  If  Mrs.  Brown  or  Mrs.  Jones  persist  in 
bowing,  return  the  bow,  but  return  it  with 
studied  coldness.  Anything  is  better  than  a 
direct  cut.  An  unmarried  lady  cannot  cut  a 
married  lady  under  any  circumstances.  The 
cut  is  only  excusable  when  men  persist  in  bow- 
ing whose  acquaintance  a  lady  does  not  wish  to 
keep  up. 

If  a  lady  has  had  any  gentleman  especially 
introduced  to  her  at  a  party,  has  talked  much 
to  him,  and  has  been,  perhaps,  led  down  by  him 
to  dinner  or  supper,  she  may  bow  if  she  meets 


78  GOOD    MANNERS. 

him  next  day  in  the  promenade.  Ntvei  recog- 
nise a  gentleman  unless  you  are  perfectly  sure 
of  his  identity.  Nothing  is  more  awkward,  than 
saluting  the  wrong  person. 

The  rules  of  the  promenade  concerning  gentle- 

^  c">    O 

men  are  simpler,  though  equally  important. 

In  the  first  place,  a  well-bred  man  must  en- 
tertain no  respect  for  the  brim  of  his  hat.  u  A 
bow,"  says  La  Fontaine,  "is  a  note  drawn  at 
sight."  You  are  bound  to  acknowledge  it  im- 
mediately, and  to  the  full  amount.  Always  bear 
this  in  mind,  and  remember  that  to  nod,  or 
merely  to  touch  the  rim  of  the  hat,  is  far  from 
courteous.  True  politeness  demands  that  the 
hat  should  be  completely  lifted  from  the  head. 
In  bowing,  the  body  should  not  be  bent  at  all. 

On  meeting  friends  with  whom  you  are  likely 
to  shake  hands,  remove  your  hat  with  the  left- 
hand  in  order  to  leave  the  right-hand  free.  If 
you  meet  a  lady  in  the  streets  with  whom  you 
are  quite  intimate,  do  not  stop  her,  but  turn 
round  and  walk  beside  her  in  whichever  direc- 
tion she  is  going.  When  you  have  said  all  that 
you  wish  to  say,  you  can  take  your  leave.  If 
you  meet  a  lady  with  whom  you  are  not  par- 
ticularly well  acquainted,  wait  for  her  recogni- 
tion before  you  venture  to  bow  to  her.  In 
bowing  to  a  lady  whom  you  are  not  going  to 
address,  lift  your  hat  with  that  hand  which  is 
farthest  from  her.  For  instance,  if  you  pass  her 


RIDING    AND    DRIVING.  79 

• 

on  the  right  side,  use  your  left  hand,  and  vice 
versa. 

If  you  are  on  horseback  and  Avish  to  converse 
with  a  lady  who  is  on  foot,  you  must  dismount 
and  lead  your  horse,  so  as  not  to  give  her  the 
fatigue  of  looking  up  to  your  level.  Neither 
should  you  subject  her  to  the  impropriety  of 
carrying  on  a  conversation  in  a  tone  necessarily 
louder  than  is  sanctioned  by  the  laws  of  society. 
A  gentleman  cannot  cut  a  lady  under  any  cir- 
cumstances whatever. 

Never  u  cut"  an  acquaintance,  unless  his  per- 
tinacity is  positively  intolerable.  To  u  cut"  is 
often  snobbish,  often  absurd,  and  sometimes 
positively  unchristian.  A  dignified  man  will 
seldom  be  necessitated  to  such  a  strong  means 
of  self-protection,  and  a  kind-hearted  man  would 
suffer  a  good  deal  before  resorting  to  it. 

Never  stare  at  ladies  in  the  street. 

In  walking  with  a  lady,  take  charge  of  any 
small  parcel,  book,  et  cetera,  with  which  she  may 
)>e  encumbered. 

If  you  so  far  forget  what  is  becoming  as  to 
smoke  in  the  street,  at  least  never  omit  to  throw 
away  your  cigar  if  you  speak  to  a  lady. 

If  addressed  in  a  public  vehicle,  always  reply 
politely. 

Never  talk  politics  or  religion  in  a  public 
vehicle. 

In  shaking  hands,  do  not  put  out  the  hand  till 


80  GOOD    MANNERS. 

you  are  quite  close  to  the  person  whom  you  are 
about  to  salute.  Nothing  is  more  awkward  or 
more  ludicrous  than  to  walk  several  yards  with 
an  extended  hand. 

When  walking  with  a  lady,  or  with  a  gentle- 
man  who  is  older  or  shorter  than  yourself,  give 
them  the  upper  side  of  the  pavement,  that  is, 
the  side  nearest  the  house. 

Be  careful  when  walking  with  a  lady,  not  to 
put  your  foot  upon  her  dress. 

In  case  of  a  sudden  fall  of  rain  you  may  offer 
to  lend  your  umbrella  to  a  lady,  or  offer  to  escort 
her  home ;  being  perfectly  respectful  in  your 
conversation. 

In  meeting  a  lady  friend,  be  ready  to  return 
her  recognition  of  you,  which  she  should  offer 
first,  removing  your  hat.  To  a  gentleman  you 
may  merely  touch  your  hat ;  but  if  he  has  a 
lady  with  him,  raise  your  hat  in  bowing  to  him. 

In  a  car  or  omnibus,  when  a  lady  wishes  to 
get  out,  stop  the  car  for  her,  pass  up  her  fare,  &c. 

When  with  a  lady,  always  if  on  your  invita- 
tion, you  must  pay  her  expenses  as  well  as  your 
own  ;  if  she  offers  to  share  the  expense,  decline 
unless  she  insists  upon  it ;  in  the  latter  case  yield 
gracefully.  Many  ladies,  dependent  upon  their 
gentlemen  friends  for  escort,  dislike  much  to  be 
under  pecuniary  obligations  to  them,  nor  is  it 
necessary  they  should  be. 


X 


CHAPTER  IX. 

Morning  and  Evening  Parties. 

morning  or,  more  properly  sj leaking, 
a  afternoon"  party  is  a  comparative  novelty, 
and  an  agreeable  one.  It  begins  about  three 
o'clock,  and  goes  on  till  six  ;  and  the  invitations 
should  be  sent  out  a  week  or  a  fortnight  before- 
hand. In  town,  a  morning  party  should  be 
enlivened  by  good  music.  Hired  professional 
performers  are  best ;  but  if  amateurs  undertake 
to  amuse  our  friends,  they  should  be  highly 
accomplished.  Tea,  coffee,  ices,  strawberries, 
cakes,  may  be  served  ;  but  in  the  country,  where 
croquet  parties  are  given  on  a  large  scale,  and 
prolonged  to  a  late  hour,  it  is  customary  to  serve 
the  light  refreshments  first  and  to  provide  a 
cold  collation  afterwards.  This  collation  is,  in 
fact,  a  late  luncheon,  and  is  more  recherche  if 
served  in  tents  out  of  doors. 

A  lady  dresses  for  such  parties  in  the  mo;3t 
elegant  out-of-door  dress  she  pleases.  Very 
young  ladies  who  play  croquet  may  wear  hats 
and  elegant  walking  dresses  suitable  for  the 
game.  Gentlemen  wear  morning  dress,  i.  e. 
light  trousers,  frock  coat,  light  gloves,  &c. 

(81) 


82  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Every  one  who  goes  much  into  society  should 
nowadays  be  acquainted  with  croquet,  archery, 
&c.,  and  thus  be  enabled  to  take  part  in  the 
amusements  provided.  The  hostess  should  faci 
litate  conversation  by  introducing  her  guests  tc 
each  other,  when  she  thinks  them  likely  to  be 
mutually  agreeable.  Very  young  people,  whom 
one  invites  to  such  parties,  should  never  be 
neglected;  while  the  old,  the  ill  dressed,  the 
ugly,  and  the  beautiful,  wrill  receive  equal  defer- 
ence from  a  really  well-bred  host  and  hostess. 

Evening  parties,  or  "At  homes,"  begin  about 
nine  o'clock,  and  entail  full  dress  upon  both 
ladies  and  gentlemen.  Good  breeding-neither 
demands  that  you  should  present  yourself  at  the 
commencement,  nor  remain  till  the  close  of  the 
evening.  You  come  and  go  as  may  be  most  con- 
venient to  you,  and  by  these  means  are  at  liberty, 
during  the  height  of  the  season,  when  evening 
parties  are  numerous,  to  present  yourself  at 
two  or  three  houses  during  a  single  evening. 

When  your  name  is  announced,  look  for  the 
lady  of  the  house,  and  pay  your  respects  to  her 
before  you  seem  even  to  see  any  other  friends 
who  may  be  in  the  room.  At  very  large  and 
fashionable  assemblies,  the  hostess  is  generally 
to  be  found  near  the  door.  Should  you,  how- 
ever, find  yourself  separated  by  a  dense  crowd 
of  guests,  you  are  at  liberty  to  recognise  those 
who  are  near  you,  and  these  whom  you  en- 


MORNING  AND  EVENING  PARTIES.       83 

counter  as  you  make  your  way  slowly  through 
the  throng. 

If  a  gentleman  is  to  act  as  escort  to  a  lady, 
he  must  call  at  the  hour  she  chooses  to  name, 
and  the  most  elegant  way  is  to  take  a  carriage 
for  her.  To  present  her  with  a  bouquet  is 
allowable. 

When  you  reach  the  house  of  the  hostess, 
escort  your  companion  to  the  dressing-room. 
After  you  have  deposited  your  hat  and  coat  in 
the  gentlemen's  dressing-room,  and  put  on  your 
gloves,  be  on  the  lookout  for  your  lady,  and  be 
ready  to  escort  her  to  the  parlor.  Offer  her 
your  left  arm,  and  having  paid  your  respects  to 
the  hostess,  take  her  to  a  seat,  and  remain  with 
iier  until  she  has  other  companions,  before  you 
seek  out  your  own  friends.  Of  course  you  will 
dance  with  her  part  of  the  evening,  and  wait 
upon  her  at  supper. 

If  you  have  escorted  a  lady,  her  time  must 
be  yours,  and  she  will  tell  you  when  she  is  ready 
to  go.  See  whether  the  carriage  has  arrived 
before  she  goes  to  the  dressing-room,  and  return 
to  the  parlor  to  tell  her.  If  the  weather  was 
pleasant  when  you  left  home,  and  you  walked, 
ascertain  whether  it  is  still  pleasant ;  if  not, 
procure  a  carriage  for  your  companion.  When 
it  is  at  the  door,  join  her  in  the  drawing-room, 
and  offer  your  arm  to  lead  her  to  the  hostess  for 
leave  taking,  then  take  your  companion  to  the 


84 


GOOD    MANNERS. 


door  of  the  ladies7  dressing-room,  get  your  own 
hat  and  wait  in  the  entry  or  near  by  until  she 
is  ready. 

When  you  reach  your  companion's  house,  do 
not  accept  her  invitation  to  enter,  but  ask  per- 
mission to  call  in  the  morning,  or  the  following 
evening. 

General  salutations  of  the  company  are  now 
wholly  disused  ;  in  society,  well-bred  persons 
only  recognise  their  own  friends  or  acquaint- 
ances. If  you  are  at  the  house  of  a  new 
acquaintance,  and  find  yourself  among  entire 
strangers,  remember  that,  by  so  meeting  under 
one  roof,  you  are  all  in  a  certain  sense  made 
known  to  one  another,  and  ought  therefore  to  be 
able  to  converse  freely,  as  equals.  It  is  to  be 
regretted  that  in  the  very  highest  circles  the 
spirit  of  exclusiveness  is  still  too  strong  to  per- 
mit this  ;  but  still  to  shrink  away  to  a  side- 
table,  and  affect  to  be  absorbed  in  some  album 
or  illustrated  work,  or  to  cling  to  some  unlucky 
acquaintance,  as  a  drowning  man  clings  to  a 
spar,  are  gauckeries  no  shyness  can  excuse. 
Neither  should  a  man  stand  too  long  in  the  same 
spot.  To  be  afraid  to  move  from  one  drawing- 
room  to  another  is  the  sure  sign  of  a  neophyte 
in  society. 

Gentlemen  should  never  stand  upon  the 
hearthrug  with  their  backs  to  the  fire,  either  in 
a  friend's  house  or  their  own.  We  have  seen 


MORNING  AND  EVENING  PARTIES         85 

even  well-bred  men  at  evening  parties  commit 
this  selfish  and  vulgar  solecism. 

Never  offer  any  one  the  chair  from  which  you 
have  just  risen,  unless  there  be  no  other  dis- 
engaged. 

Those  ladies  and  gentlemen  who  possess  any 
musical  accomplishments  should  not  wait  to  be 
pressed  and  entreated  by  their  hostess,  but 
comply  immediately  when  she  pays  them  the 
compliment  of  asking  them  to  play  or  sing. 
Only  the  lady  of  the  house  has  a  right  to  make 
this  invitation  ;  if  others  do  so,  they  must  be 
put  off  in  some  polite  way. 

Be  scrupulous  to  observe  strict  silence  when 
any  of  the  company  are  playing  or -singing. 
Remember  that  they  are  doing  this  for  the 
amusement  of  the  rest  5  and  that  to  talk  at  such 
a  time  is  as  ill-bred  as  if  you  were  to  turn  your 
back  upon  a  person  who  was  talking  to  you, 
and  begin  a  conversation  with  some  one  else. 

If  a  gentleman  sings  comic  songs,  he  should 
be  careful  that  they  are  of  the  most  unexcep- 
tionable kind,  and  likely  to  offend  neither  the 
tastes  nor  prejudices  of  the  society  in  which  he 
may  find  himself. 

Those  who  play  or  sing  should  bear  in  mind 
that  "  brevity  is  the  soul  of  wit."  Two  verses 
of  a  ballad,  or  four  pages  of  a  piece,  are  at  all 
times  enough  to  give  pleasure.  If  your  audience 
desire  more,  they  will  ask  for  more  ;  and  it  is 


80  GOOD    MANNERS. 

infinitely  more  flattering  to  be  encored,  than  to 
receive  the.  thanks  of  your  hearers,  not  so  much 
for  what  you  have  given  them,  but  for  having 
come  to  an  end  at  last.  That  performer,  indeed, 
can  have  but  little  pride  who  cares  to  emulate 
Longfellow's  famous  piper  of  Bujalance,  "who 
asked  a  maravedi  for  playing,  and  ten  for  le  /- 
ing  off."  Music,  like  conversation,  should  ie 
adapted  to  the  company.  A  sonata  of  Beetho'  ./n 
would  be  as  much  out  of  place  in  some  cireios 
as  a  comic  song  at  a  quaker's  meeting.  To  those 
who  only  care  for  the  light  popularities  of  the 
season  give  Offenbach  and  Verdi ;  to  connois- 
seurs give  such  music  as  wrill  be  likely  to  meet 
the  exigencies  of  a  fine  taste.  Above  all,  attempt 
nothing  that  you  cannot  execute  with  ea/"j  and 
precision. 

The  great  secret  of  successful  u  At  \omes," 
is  to  assemble  as  many  distinguished  r  isons  as 
possible.  We  do  not  mean  simply  pe:  ons  with 
a  handle  to  their  names,  but  men  a-  1  women 
who  by  their  talents  or  character  have  made  for 
themselves  a  foremost  place  in  society.  If  no 
lady  is  especially  placed  under  a  gentleman's 
care  when  supper  is  announced,  he  must  offer 
his  arm  to  the  lady  with  whom  he  has  last  con- 
versed ;  but  unless  the  party  be  a  very  crowded 
one,  the  hostess  will  see  that  no  lady  is  unpro- 
vided with  a  cavalier. 

The  more  rooms  one  can  throw  open  for  these 


MORNING  AND  EVENING  PARTIES.       87 

sort  of  parties  the  better.  A  liberal  supply  of 
ottomans,  causeuses,  &c.,  must  be  placed  about 
in  convenient  positions,  leaving  as  much  open 
space  as  possible.  Good  engravings,  water-color 
sketches,  valuable  scrap-books,  and  volumes  of 
autographs  should  be  displayed  on  the  tables. 
If  among  the  guests  some  exceedingly  distin- 
guished lion  is  present,  it  is  exceedingly  un- 
becoming to  follow  him  about  and  listen  to 
every  word  he  utters.  He  cannot  be  introduced 
to  every  one,  and  even  if  introduced,  you  must 
content  yourself  with  a  short  conversation,  re- 

*/ 

remembering  that  others  have  equal  claims  with 
yourself. 

If  the  party  be  of  a  small  sociable  kind,  and 
those  games  called  by  the  French  Ics  jcux  in- 
nocens  are  proposed,  do  not  object  to  join  in 
them  if  invited.  It  may  be  that  they  demand 
some  slight  exercise  of  wit  and  readiness,  and 
that  you  do  not  feel  yourself  calculated  to  shine 
in  them  ;  but  it  is  better  to  seem  dull  than  dis- 
agreeable, and  those  who  are  obliging  can 
always  find  some  clever  neighbor  to  assist  them 
in  the  moment  of  need. 

Impromptu  charades  are  frequently  organized 
at  friendly  parties.  Unless  you  have  really 
some  talent  for  acting,  and  some  readiness  of 
speech,  you  should  remember  that  you  only 
put  others  out,  and  expose  your  own  inability 
by  taking  part  in  these  entertainments.  Of 


88  GOOD    MANNERS. 

course,  if  your  help  is  really  needed,  and  you 
would  disoblige  by  refusing,  you  must  do  your 
best,  and,  by  doing  it  as  quietly  and  coolly  as 
possible,  avoid  being  awkward  or  ridiculous. 

Even  though  you  may  take  no  pleasure  in 
cards,  some  knowledge  of  the  etiquette  and 
rules  belonging  to  the  games  most  in  vogue  is 
necessary  to  you  in  society.  If  a  fourth  hand 
is  wanted  at  a  rubber,  or  if  the  rest  of  the  com- 
pany sit  down  to  a  round  game,  you  would  be 
deemed  guilty  of  an  impoliteness  if  you  refused 
to  join. 

Married  people  should  not  play  at  the  same 
table,  unless  where  the  party  is  so  small  that 
it  cannot  be  avoided.  This  rule  supposes  no- 
thing so  disgraceful  to  any  married  couple  as 
dishonest  collusion  ;  but  persons  who  play  regu- 
larly together  cannot  fail  to  know  so  much  of 
each  other's  mode  of  acting  under  given  circum- 
stances, that  the  chances  no  longer  remain  per- 
fectly even  in  favor  of  their  adversaries. 

Never  play  for  higher  stakes  than  you  can 
afford  to  lose  without  regret.  Cards  should  be 
resorted  to  for  amusement  only  ;  for  excitement, 
never. 

No  well-bred  person  ever  loses  temper  at  the 
card-table.  You  have  no  right  to  sit  down  to 
the  game  unless  you  can  bear  a  long  run  of  ill- 
luck  with  perfect  composure,  and  are  prepared 


MORNING  AND  EVENING  PARTIES.       89 

cheerfully  to  pass  over  any  blunders  that  your 
partner  may  chance  to  make. 

If  you  are  an  indifferent  player,  make  a  point 
of  saying  so  before  you  join  a  party  at  whist. 
If  the  others  are  fine  players,  they  will  be  in- 
finitely more  obliged  to  you  for  declining  than 
accepting  their  invitation.  In  any  case  you 
have  no  right  to  spoil  their  pleasure  by  your 
bad  play. 

Never  let  even  politeness  induce  you  to  play 
for  very  high  stakes.  Etiquette  is  the  minor 
morality  of  life  ;  but  it  never  should  be  allowed 
to  outweigh  the  higher  code  of  right  and  wrong. 

Young  ladies  may  decline  to  play  at  cards 
without  being  deemed  guilty  of  impoliteness. 

No  very  young  lady  should  appear  at  an  even- 
ing party  without  an  escort. 

In  retiring  from  a  crowded  party  it  is  unne- 
cessary that  you  should  seek  out  the  hostess  for 
the  purpose  of  bidding  her  a  formal  good-night. 
By  doing  this  you  would,  perhaps,  remind  others 
that  it  was  getting  late  and  cause  the  party  to 
break  up.  If  you  meet  the  lady  of  the  house  on 
your  way  to  the  drawing-room  door,  take  your 
leave  of  her  as  unobtrusively  as  possible,  and 
slip  away  without  attracting  the  attention  of  her 
other  guests. 

Introductions  at  evening  parties  are  now 
Almost  wholly  dispensed  with.  Persons  who 
meet  at  a  friend's  house  are  ostensibly  upon  an 


90  GOOD    MANNERS. 

equality,  and  pay  a  bad  compliment  to  the  host 
by  appearing  suspicious  and  formal.  Some  old- 
fashioned  country  hosts  yet  persevere  in  intro- 
ducing each  new  coiner  to  all  the  assembled 
guests.  It  is  a  custom  that  cannot  be  too  soon 
abolished,  and  one  that  places  the  last  unfor- 
tunate visitor  in  a  singularly  awkward  position. 
All  that  she  can  do  is  to  make  a  semicircular 
courtesy,  like  a  concert  singer  before  an  au- 
dience, and  bear  the  general  gaze  with  as  much 
composure  as  possible. 

It  should  be  remembered  that  to  introduce 
persons  who  are  mutually  unknown  is  to  under- 
take a  serious  responsibility,  and  to. certify  to 
each  the  respectability  of  the  other.  Never 
undertake  this  responsibility  without  in  the  first 
place  asking  yourself  whether  the  persons  are 
likely  to  be  agreeable  to  each  other,  nor,  in  the 
second  place,  without  ascertaining  whether  it 
will  be  acceptable  to  both  parties  to  become 
acquainted. 

There  are  some  exceptions  to  the  etiquette  of 
introductions.  At  a  ball  or  evening  party, 
where  there  is  dancing,  the  mistress  of  the 
house  may  introduce  any  gentleman  to  any  lady 
without  first  asking  the  lady's  permission.  But 
she  should  first  ascertain  whether  the  lady  is 
willing  to  dance ;  and  this  out  of  consideration 
for  the  gentleman,  who  may  otherwise  be  re- 


MORNING  AND  EVENING  PARTIES.       91 

fused.  No  man  likes  to  be  refused  the  hand  of 
a  lady,  though  it  be  only  for  a  quadrille. 

A  sister  may  present  her  brother,  or  a  mother 
her  son,  without  any  kind  of  preliminary. 

Always  introduce  the  gentleman  to  the  lady 
— never  the  lady  to  the  gentleman.  The  chivalry 
of  etiquette  assumes  that  the  lady  is  invariably 
the  superior  in  right  of  her  sex,  and  that  the 
gentleman  is  honored  in  the  introduction.  The 
rule  is  to  be  observed  even  when  the  social  rank 
of  the  gentleman  is  higher  than  that  of  the  lady. 

Where  the  sexes  are  the  same,  always  present 

J.U         •       C        •  i.1  • 

the  interior  to  the  superior. 

Never  present  a  gentleman  to  a  lady  without 
first  asking  her  permission  to  do  so. 

When  you  are  introduced  to  a  stranger, 
seldom  offer  your  hand.  When  introduced,  per- 
sons limit  their  recognition  of  each  other  to  a 
bow. 

Friends  may  introduce  friends  at  the  house 
of  a  mutual  acquaintance;  but,  as  a  rule,  it  is 
better  to  be  introduced  by  the  mistress  of  the 
house.  Such  an  introduction  carries  more  au- 
thority with  it. 

If  at  a  small  party  where  there  is  no  musician 
engaged,  if  you  can  perform  on  the  piano  for 
dancing,  do  not  wait  to  be  solicited  to  play,  but 
offer  your  services,  or,  if  there  is  a  lady  at  the 
piano,  offer  to  relieve  her.  To  turn  the  leaves 


92  GOOD    MANNERS. 

for  another,  and  sometimes  call  figures,  are  also 
good-natured  and  well-bred  actions. 

If  dancing  is  to  be  the  amusement  of  the  even- 
ing, a  gentleman's  first  dance  should  be  with 
the  lady  you  accompanied,  and  afterwards  with 
the  ladies  of  the  hostess's  family. 

Dance  easily  and  gracefully,  keeping  perfect 
time,  but  not  taking  too  great  pains  with  your 
steps. 

When  your  conduct  your  partner  to  a  seat 
after  a  dance,  you  may  sit  or  stand  by  to  con- 
verse, unless  you  see  another  gentleman  is  wait- 
ing to  invite  her  to  dance. 

Do  not  take  the  vacant  seat  next  to  a  lady 
inless  you  are  acquainted  with  her. 

After  dancing,  do  not  offer  your  hand,  but 
your  arm  to  conduct  your  partner  to  a  seat. 


CHAPTER  X. 

The  Ball 

TNVITATIONS  to  a  ball  should  be  sent  out 
three  weeks  or  a  month  beforehand,  and 
should  be  answered  immediately. 

The  first  requisites  for  a  pleasant  ball  are 
good  rooms,  good  music,  and  plenty  of  good 
company.  A  very  small  ball  is  almost  sure  to 
be  dull.  No  one  should  attempt  to  give  this 
sort  of  entertainment  without  being  fully  pre- 
pared for  a  considerable  expenditure  of  time, 
money,  and  patience.  Nothing  is  so  unsatis- 
factory as  *'  a  carpet  dance  with  the  dear  girls 
to  play."  If  you  wish  your  friends  to  enjoy  the 
dancing,  you  must  give  them  a  good  floor  and 
professional  music ;  if  you  wish  them  to  enjoy 
the  supper,  you  must  let  it  be  well  served  and 
in  great  abundance ;  lastly,  if  you  wish  them 
to  enjoy  the  company,  you  must  provide  your 
visitors  with  suitable  partners. 

The  preparation  for  a  ball  begins  with  the 
reception-rooms,  which  must  be  made  as  light 
and  airy  as  possible.  Nothing  produces  a  hap- 
pier effect  than  an  abundance  of  shrubs,  plants, 
and  flowers  used  freely  on  the  stairs,  in  the 


94  GOOD    MANNERS. 

recesses,  landing-places,  &c.  The  fire-places 
should  be  screened  by  flowers  in  summer,  and 
be  provided  with  guards  in  winter  or  spring.  It 
is  easy,  by  the  help  of  screens  and  evergreens, 
to  arrange  a  small  gallery  for  the  musicians,  so 
that  they  shall  be  heard  and  not  seen. 

A  refreshment-room  should,  if  possible,  be 
on  the  same  floor  as  the  ball-room,  in  order 
that  the  ladies  may  be  sparecl  all  risk  from 
draughty  staircases.  A  lobby  for  the  ladies' 
cloak-room,  and  a  hat-room  for  the  gentlemen, 
are  both  indispensable. 

As  the  number  of  guests  at  a  dinner  party 
is  regulated  by  the  size  of  the  table,  so  should 
the  number  of  invitations  to  a  ball  be  limited 
by  the  proportions  of  the  ball-room.  A  prudent 
hostess  will,  however,  always  invite  more  guests 
than  she  really  desires  to  entertain,  in  the  cer- 
tainty that  there  will  be  some  deserters  when 
the  appointed  evening  comes  round  ;  but  she 
will  at  the  same  time  remember  that  to  over- 
crowd her  room  is  to  spoil  the  pleasure  of  those 
who  love  dancing,  and  that  a  party  of  this  kind, 
when  too  numerously  attended,  is  as  great  a 
failure  as  one  at  which  too  few  are  present. 

A  room  which  is  nearly  square,  yet  a  little 
longer  than  it  is  broad,  will  be  found  the  most 
favorable  for  a  ball.  It  admits  of  two  quadrille 
parties,  or  two  round  dances,  at  the  same  time. 
In  a  perfectly  square  room  this  arrangement 


THE    BALL.  95 

is  not  so  practicable  or  pleasant  A  very  long 
and  narrow  room  is  obviously  of  the  worst 
shape  for  dancing,  and  is  fit  only  for  quadrilles 
and  country  dances. 

The  tup  of  the  ball-room  is  the  part  nearest 
the  orchestra.  In  a  private  room,  the  top  is 
where  it  would  be  if  the  room  were  a  dining- 
room.  It  is  generally  at  the  farthest  point  from 
the  door.  Dancers  should  be  careful  to  ascer- 
tain the  top  of  the  room  before  taking  their 
places,  as  the  top  couples  always  lead  the 
dances. 

A  good  floor  is  of  the  utmost  importance  in 
a  ball-room.  In  a  private  house,  nothing  can 
be  better  than  a  smooth,  well-stretched  holland, 
with  the  carpet  beneath. 

Abundance  of  light  and  free  ventilation  are 
indispensable  to  the  spirits  and  comfort  of  the 
dancers. 

Good  music  is  as  necessary  to  the  prosperity 
of  a  ball  as  good  wine  to  the  excellence  of  a 
dinner.  No  hostess  should  tax  her  friends  for 
this  part  of  the  entertainment.  It  is  the  most 
injudicious  economy  imaginable.  Ladies  who 
would  prefer  to  dance  are  tied  to  the  piano- 
forte ;  and  as  few  amateurs  have  been  trained 
in  the  art  of  playing  dance  music  with  that 
strict  attention  to  time  and  accent  which  is  ab- 
solutely necessary  to  the  comfort  of  the  dancers, 
a  total  and  general  discontent  is  sure  to  result. 


96  GOOD    MANNERS. 

To  play  dance  music  thoroughly  well  is  a  branch 
of  the  art  which  requires  considerable  practice. 
It  is  as  different  from  every  other  kind  of  play- 
ing as  whale  fishing  is  from  fly  fishing.  Those 
who  give  private  balls  will  do  well  ever  to  bear 
this  in  mind,  and  to  provide  skilled  musicians 
for  the  evening  For  a  small  party,  a  piano  and 
cornopean  make  a  very  pleasant  combination. 
Unless  where  several  instruments  are  engaged, 
we  do  not  recommend  the  introduction  of  the 
violin.  Although  in  some  respects  the  finest 
of  all  solo  instruments,  it  is  apt  to  sound  thin 
and  shrill  when  employed  on  mere  inexpressive 
dance  tunes,  and  played  by  a  mere  dance  player. 

The  room  provided  for  the  accommodation 
of  the  ladies  should  have  several  looking- 
glasses  ;  attendants  to  assist  the  fair  visitors  in 
the  arrangement  of  their  hair  and  dresses  ;  and 
rows  of  hooks  for  the  cloaks  and  shawls.  It  is 
well  to  affix  tickets  to  the  cloaks,  giving  a  dupli- 
cate to  each  lady.  Needles  and  thread  should 
be  always  at  hand  to  repair  any  little  accident 
incurred  in  dancing.  The  refreshment-room 
should  be  kept  amply  supplied  during  the  eve- 
ning. Where  this  cannot  be  arranged,  the  re- 
freshments should  be  handed  round  between 
the  dances. 

The  question  of  supper  is  one  which  so  en- 
tirely depends  on  the  means  of  those  who  give 
a  ball  or  evening  party,  that  very  little  can  be 


THE    BALL.  97 

paid  upon  it  in  a  treatise  of  this  description. 
Where  money  is  no  object,  it  is  of  course  always 
preferable  to  have  the  whole  supper,  "with  all 
applicances  and  means  to  boot,"  sent  in  from 
some  first-rate  house.  It  spares  all  trouble, 
whether  to  the  entertainers  or  their  servants, 
and  relieves  the  hostess  of  every  anxiety.  Where 
circumstances  render  such  a  course  imprudent, 
we  would  only  observe  that  a  home-provided 
supper,  however  simple,  should  be  good  of  its 
kind,  and  abundant  in  quantity.  Dancers  are 
generally  hungry  people,  and  feel  themselves 
much  aggrieved  if  the  supply  of  eatables  proves 
unequal  to  the  demand. 

Perhaps  the  very  best  plan  is  the  French  one, 
of  having  supper  arranged  on  long  buffets  with 
servants  behind  to  attend  to  all  comers.  No 
one  sits  down  to  ball  suppers,  or  if  seats  are 
arranged  by  the  wall  for  the  ladies,  the  gentle- 
men stand. 

No  gentleman  should  accept  an  invitation  to 
a  ball  if  he  does  not  dance.  When  ladies  are 
present  who  would  be  pleased  to  receive  an 
invitation,  those  gentlemen  who  hold  themselves 
aloof  are  guilty,  not  only  of  a  negative,  but  a 
positive,  act  of  neglect. 

To  attempt  to  dance  without  a  knowledge  of 
dancing  is  not  only  to 'make  one's  self  ridicu- 
lous, but  one's  partner  also.  No  lady  or  gen- 


98  GOOD    MANNERS. 

i 

tleman  has  the  right  to  place  a  paitner  in  this 
absurd  position. 

On  entering  the  ball-room,  the  visitor  should 
at  once  seek  the  lady  of  the  house,  and  pay  her 
respects  to  her.  llaving  done  this,  she  may 
exchange  salutations  with  such  friends  and 
acquaintances  as  may  be  in  the  room. 

No  lady  should  accept  an  invitation  to  dance 
from  a  gentleman  to  whom  she  has  not  been 
introduced.  In  case  any  gentleman  should 
commit  the  error  of  so  inviting  her,  she  should 
not  excuse  herself  on  the  plea  of  a  previous 
engagement,  or  of  fatigue,  as  to  do  so  would 
imply  that  she  did  not  herself  attach  due  im- 
portance to  the  necessary  ceremony  of  intro- 
duction. Her  best  reply  would  be  to  the  effect 
that  she  would  have  much  pleasure  in  accepting 
his  invitation,  if  he  would  procure  an  introduc- 
tion to  her.  This  observation  may  be  taken 
as  applying  only  to  public  balls.  No  lady 
should  accept  refreshments  from  a  stranger  at 
a  public  ball ;  for  these  she  must  rely  on  her 
father,  brother,  or  old  friend.  At  a  private 
party  the  host  and  hostess  are  sufficient  guaran- 
tees for  the  respectability  of  their  guests;  and 
although  a  gentleman  would  show  a  singular 
want  of  knowledge  of  the  laws  of  society  in 
acting  as  we  have  supposed,  the  lady  who  should 
reply  to  him  as  if  he  were  merely  an  imperti- 
nent stranger  in  a  public  assembly-room  would 


THE    BALL.  99 

be  implying  an  affront  to  her  entertainers.  The 
mere  fact  of  being  assembled  together  under  the 
roof  of  a  mutual  friend  is  in  itself  a  kind  of 
general  introduction  of  the  guests  to  each 
other. 

An  introduction  given  for  the  mere  purpose 
of  enabling  a  lady  and  gentleman  to  go  through 
a  dance  together  does  not  constitute  an  acquaint- 
anceship. The  lady  is  at  liberty  to  pass  the 
gentleman  in  the  park  the  next  day  without 
recognition. 

It  is  not  necessary  that  a  lady  should  be  ac- 
quainted with  the  steps,  in  order  to  walk  grace- 
fully or  easily  through  a  quadrille.  An  easy 
carriage  and  a  knowledge  of  the  figures  are  all 
that  is  necessary. 

We  now  pass  to  that  part  of  ball-room  eti- 
quette which  chiefly  concerns  gentlemen. 

A  gentleman  cannot  ask  a  lady  to  dance  with- 
out being  first  introduced  to  her  by  some  mem- 
ber of  the  hostess's  family. 

Never  enter  a  ball-room  in  other  than  full 
evening  dress,  and  white  or  light  kid  gloves. 

A  gentleman  cannot  be  too  careful  not  to 
injure  a  lady's  dress.  The  young  men  of  the 
present  day  are  inconceivably  thoughtless  in 
this  respect,  and  often  seem  to  think  the  mis- 
chief which  they  do  scarcely  worth  an  apology. 
Cavalry  officers  should  never  wear  spurs  in  a 
ball-room. 


100  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Bear  in  mind  that  all  casino  habits  are  to  be 
scrupulously  avoided  in  a  private  ball-room.  It 
is  an  affront  to  a  highly-bred  lady  to  hold  her 
hand  behind  you,  or  on  your  hip,  when  dancing 
a  round  dance. 

Never  forget  a  ball-room  engagement.  It  is 
the  greatest  neglect  and  slight  that  a  gentleman 
can  offer  to  a  lady. 

At  the  beginning  and  end  of  a  quadrille  the 
gentleman  bows  to  his  partner,  and  bows  again 
on  handing  her  to  a  seat. 

After  dancing,  the  gentleman  may  offer  to 
conduct  the  lady  to  the  refreshment-room. 

Engagements  for  one  dance  should  not  be 
made  while  the  present  dance  is  yet  in  progress. 

If  a  lady  happens  to  forget  a  previous  en- 
gagement, and  stand  up  with  another  partner, 
the  gentleman  whom  she  has  thus  slighted  is 
bound  to  believe  that  she  has  acted  from  mere 
inadvertence,  and  should  by  no  means  suffer  his 
pride  to  master  his  good  temper.  To  cause  a 
disagreeable  scene  in  a  private  ball-room  is  to 
affront  your  host  and  hostess,  and  to  make  your- 
self absurd.  In  a  public  room  it  is  no  less 
reprehensible. 

Always  remember  that  good  breeding  and 
good  temper  (or  the  appearance  of  good  temper) 
are  inseparably  connected. 

Young  gentlemen  are  earnestly  advised  not 
to  limit  their  conversation  to  remarks  on 


THE    BALL.  10  i 

weather  and  the  heat  of  the  room.  It  is,  to  a 
certain  extent,  incumbent  on  them  to  do  some- 
thing more  than  dance  when  they  invite  a  lady 
to  join  a  quadrille.  If  it  be  only  upon  the  news 
of  the  day,  a  gentleman  should  be  able  to  offer 
at  least  three  or  four  observations  to  his  partner 
in  the  course  of  a  long  half-hour. 

Never  be  seen  without  gloves  in  a  ball-room, 
though  it  were  only  for  a  few  moments.  Those 
who  dance  much,  and  are  particularly  soign£  in 
matters  relating  to  the  toilette,  take  a  second 
pair  of  gloves  to  replace  the  first  when  soiled. 

A  thoughtful  hostess  will  never  introduce  a 
bad  dancer  to  a  good  one,  because  she  has  no 
Tight  to  punish  one  friend  in  order  to  oblige 
another. 

It  is  not  customary  for  married  persons  to 
dance  together  in  society. 

A  gentleman  conducts  his  last  partner  to  sup- 
per; waits  upon  her  till  she  has  had  as  much 
refreshment  as  she  wishes,  and  then  takes  her 
back  to  the  ball-room  or  her  chaperone. 

However  much  pleasure  he  may  take  in  a 
lady's  society,  he  must  not  ask  her  to  dance  too 
frequently.  Engaged  persons  would  do  well  to 
bear  this  in  mind. 

Withdraw  from  a  ball-room  as  quietly  as  pos- 
sible, so  that  your  departure  may  not  be  ob- 
served by  others,  and  so  cause  the  party  to 
break  up.  If  ydu.  meet  the  lady  of  the  house 


102  GOOD    MANNERS. 

on  your  way  out,  take  your  leave  in  such  a 
manner  that  the  other  guests  may  not  observe 
it ;  but  by  no  means  seek  her  out  for  that 
purpose. 

No  person  who  has  not  a  good  ear  for  time 
and  tune  need  hope  to  dance  well. 

Lastty,  a  gentleman  should  not  go  to  a  ball 
unless  he  has  previously  made  up  his  mind  to 
be  agreeable  :  that  is,  to  dance  with  the  plainest 
as  well  as  with  the  most  beautiful ;  to  take  down 
an  elderly  chaperone  to  supper,  instead  of  her 
lovely  charge,  with  a  good  grace  :  to  enter  into 
the  spirit  of  the  dance,  instead  of  hanging  about 
the  doorway  5  to  abstain  from  immoderate  eat- 
ing, drinking,  or  talking;  to  submit  to  trifling 
annoyances  with  cheerfulness  ;  in  fact,  to  forget 
himself,  and  contribute  as  much  as  possible  to 
the  amusement  of  others. 


CHAPTER  XL 

Table  Etiquette. — Dinner  Parties. 

IT  is  impossible  to  over-estimate  the  importance 
of  dinners. 

It  should  be  the  first  duty  of  every  house- 
holder to  obtain  the  best  possible  dinners  for 
her  family  her  purse  can  afford.  Let  no  false 
sentiment  lead  her  to  consider  indifference  to 
food  as  an  heroic  virtue,  or  the  due  appreciation 
of  it  as  a  despicable  yourmandise.  Man  is  what 
he  eats,  and  woman  is  the  caterer.  Let  her 
perform  ner  duties  well,  and  she  will  reap  an 
ample  reward. 

The  etiquette  of  the  dinner-table  should  be 
mastered  by  all  who  aspire  to  the  entree  of  good 
society.  Ease,  savoir-faire,  and  good  breeding 
nowhere  more  indispensable  than  at  the  dinner- 
table,  and  the  absence  of  them  is  nowhere  more 
apparent.  How  to  eat  soup  and  what  to  do 
with  a  cherry-stone  are  weighty  considerations 
when  taken  as  the  index  of  social  status ;  and 
it  is  not  too  much  to  say,  that  a  young  woman 
who  elected  to  take  claret  with  her  fish  or  eat 
peas  with  her  knife  would  justly  risk  the  punish- 
ment of  being  banished  from  good  society. 
8  (103) 


104  GOOD    MANNERS. 

An  invitation  to  dine  should  be  replied  to 
immediately,  and  unequivocally  accepted  or  de- 
clined. Once  accepted,  nothing  but  an  event 
of  the  last  importance  should  cause  you  to  fail 
in  your  engagement.  To  be  exactly  punctual 
on  these  occasions  is  the  only  politeness.  If  you 
are  too  early,  you  are  in  the  way ;  if  too  late, 
you  spoil  the  dinner,  annoy  the  hostess,  and  are 
hated  by  the  guests.  Some  authorities  are  even 
of  opinion  that  in  the  question  of  a  dinner 
party  "never"  is  better  than  "late-,"  and  one 
author  has  gone  so  far  as  to  say,  ''  If  you  do  not 
reach  the  house  till  dinner  is  served,  you  had 
better  retire  and  send  an  apology,  and  not  inter 
rupt  the  harmony  of  the  courses  by  awkward 
excuses  and  cold  acceptance." 

When  the  party  is  assembled,  the  mistress  of 
the  house  will  point  out  to  each  gentleman  the 
lady  whom  he  is  to  conduct  to  table.  The  guests 
then  go  down  according  to  order  of  precedence 
arranged  by  the  host  or  hostess,  as  the  guests 
are  probably  unacquainted,  and  cannot  know 
each  other's  social  rank. 

The  lady  who  is  the  greatest  stranger  should 
be  taken  down  by  the  master  of  the  house,  and 
the  gentleman  who  is  the  greatest  stranger 
should  conduct  the  hostess.  Married  ladies 
take  precedence  of  single  ladies,  elder  ladies 
of  younger  ones,  and  so  on.  A  young  bride 
takes  precedence  of  all  other  ladies. 


TABLE   ETIQUETTE.  105 

When  dinner  is  announced,  the  host  offers  his 
arm  to  the  lady  of  most  distinction,  invites  the 
rest  to  follow  by  a  few  words  or  a  bow,  and 
leads  the  way  5  the  visitors  follow  in  the  order 
that  the  host  and  hostess  have  arranged.  The 
lady  of  the  house  remains,  however,  till  the 
last,  that  she  may  see  her  guests  go  down  in  their 
orescribed  order;  but  the  plan  is  not  a  con- 
venient one.  It  would  be  much  better  that  the 
hostess  should  be  in  her  place  as  the  guests  enter 
the  dining-room,  in  order  that  she  may  indicate 
their  seats  to  them  as  they  enter,  and  not  find 
them  all  crowded  together  in  uncertainty  when 
she  arrives. 

Offer  to  your  lady  the  left  arm.  and  at  the 
table  wait  until  she  and  every  lady  is  seated,  be- 
fore taking  your  own  place.  In  leaving  the 
parlor  you  will  pass  out  first,  and  the  lady  will 
foliow,  still  holding  your  arm.  At  the  door  of 
the  dining-room,  the  lady  will  drop  your  arm. 
Pass  in,  then  wait  on  one  side  the  entrance  till 
she  passes  you,  to  her  place  at  the  table. 

The  number  of  guests  at  a  dinner  party  de- 
pends on  the  size  of  the  room  and  the  size  of 
the  table.  The  rule  laid  down  by  Brillafc-Sava- 
rin,  that  the  numbers  at  a  dinner  party  should 
not  be  less  than  the  Graces,  nor  more  than  the 
Muses,  is  a  good  one.  Even  numbers,  however, 
are  always  the  most  convenient,  and  the  number 
of  thirteen  should  be  avoided  out  of  respect  to 


108  GOOD    MANNERS. 

any  possible  superstition  on  the  part  of  the 
guests.  The  number  of  ladies  and  gentlemen 
should  be  equal. 

Great  tact  must  be  exercised  in  the  distribution 
of  your  guests.  If  you  have  a  wit,  or  a  good 
talker,  among  your  visitors,  it  is  well  to  place 
him  near  the  centre  of  the  table,  where  he  can 
be  heard  and  talked  to  by  all.  It  is  obviously  a 
bad  plan  to  place  two  such  persons  together  5 
they  extinguish  each  other.  Nor  should  two 
gentleman  of  the  same  profession  be  placed 
close  together,  as  they  are  likoly  to  fall  into 
exclusive  conversation,  and  amuse  no  one  but 
themselves. 

A  judicious  host  (or  hostess)  will  consider  the 
politics,  religious  opinions,  and  tastes  of  his 
friends,  thus  avoiding  many  social  quicksands, 
and  making  the  dinner  party  a  vehicle  of  de- 
lightful social  intercourse. 

Converse  in  a  low  tone  to  your  neighbor,  yet 
not  with  an  air  of  secrecy.  If  the  conversation 
is  general,  do  not  raise  your  voice  too  much  ;  if 
you  cannot  make  those  at  some  distance  hear 
you  when  speaking  in  a  moderate  tone,  confine 
your  remarks  to  these  near  you. 

Very  young  ladies  or  gentlemen  should  not 
be  asked  to  dinner  parties.  Young  people  cer- 
tainly are  the  ruin  of  dinner  parties. 

The  fashion  of  dinners  is  wholly  unlike  what 
it  was  fifty  or  even  thirty  years  ago.  Dishes 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE. 


107 


are  now  never  placed  on  the  table  at  a  dinner 
of  ceremony,  and  rarely  even  at  small  friendly 
dinners. 

The  dinner  a  la  Russe  is  a  great  improvement 
on  the  old  fashion ;  it  is  more  elegant  and  more 
agreeable  to  see  only  crystal,  plate,  flowers, 
fruit,  and  epergnes  before  you  ;  and  few  people 
will  resort  to  the  old  mode  who  have  once  begun 
the  new.  The  dinner  d  la  Russe  is  the  poetry 
of  dining. 

The  shape  of  the  table  is  an  important  point. 
The  oval  table  offers  most  advantages  for  con- 
versation ;  the  host  and  hostess  sit  in  the  middle 
of  each  side,  opposite  to  each  other.  The  French 
fashion  of  the  host  and  hostess  sitting  side  by 
side  in  the  middle  of  one  side  of  the  table  is  not 
a  bad  one. 

The  appointments  of  the  table  may  be  as 
sumptuous  on  the  one  hand,  or  as  delicately 
elegant  on  the  other,  as  suits  the  tastes  and 
means  of  the  family.  Persons  of  rank  and 
family  may  at  slight  additional  cost  have  their 
dinner-service  and  table-linen  made  expressly 
for  them,  with  their  arms  or  crest  painted  on  the 
one  and  woven  in  the  others.  This  is  far  more 
redierchg  than  any  mere  design.  The  crest  is 
also  engraven  on  the  silver;  but  it  is  perhaps 
pushing  heraldic  pretension  too  far  to  engrave 
it  also  on  the  wine  and  finger  glasses. 

We  now  imitate  the  Romans  and  cover  our 


'108  GOOD    MANNEHS. 

tables  with  flowers — a  happy  innovation.  Of 
flowers,  the  richest  and  choicest,  one  can  hardly 
have  too  many.  A  small  glass  vase  containing 
a  "  button-hole'  bouquet  placed  at  every  cover 
is  very  dainty  ;  the  guests  remove  the  bouquets 
on  leaving  the  table.  Glass  flower  vases  ave 
perhaps  preferable  to  silver  ones. 

Light  is  really  needful  for  digestion,  and 
should  be  supplied  in  profusion.  Lamps  are 
out  of  place  on  a  dining-table.  Gas  is  simply 
intolerable.  Lockhart  describes  in  his  life  of 
Scott  how  the  host  introduced  gas  into  the 
dining-room  at  Abbotsford.  i&  In  sitting  down 
to  table  in  autumn,"  he  said,  u  no  one  observed 
that  in  each  of  three  chandeliers  there  lurked  a 
tiny  head  of  red  light.  Dinner  passed  off,  and 
the  sun  went  down,  and  suddenly,  at  the  turn- 
ing of  a  screw,  the  room  was  filled  with  a  gush 
of  splendor  worthy  of  the  palace  of  Aladdin  • 
but,  as  in  the  case  of  Aladdin,  the  old  lamp 
would  have  been  better  in  the  upshot.  Jewellery 
sparkled,  but  cheeks  and  lips  looked  cold  and 
wan  in  this  fierce  illumination ;  and  the  eye 
was  wearied,  and  the  brow  ached,  if  the  sitting 
was  at  all  protracted/' 

We  must,  therefore,  have  recourse  to  epergnes 
and  wax  candles.  There  should  be  more  lights 
than  guests.  The  candles  should  be  of  wax,  and 
of  good  size.  Too  much  light  is  almost  as  ob- 
jectionable as  too  little,  since  among  your  guests 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  109 

may  be  persons  whose  eyes  are  weak,  and  to 
whom  it  is  positive  torture  to  face  a  brilliant 
light.  The  best  plan  is  to  have  abundance  of 
wax  lights  on  the  chimney-piece  and  walls,  and 
not  too  many  on  the  table. 

Plenty  of  attendance  is  indispensable.  The 
servants  should  be  well  trained,  silent,  observant, 
scrupulously  dressed,  and  free  from  gaucherie. 
A  good  servant  is  never  awkward.  His  boots 
never  creak  ;  he  never  breathes  hard,  has  a  cold, 
is  obliged  to  cough,  treads  on  a  lady's  dress,  or 
breaks  a  dish.  If  only  two  servants  are  in  at- 
tendance, one  should  begin  with  the  guest  on 
his  master's  right,  ending  with  the  lady  of  the 
house ;  the  other  with  the  guest  on  his  mis- 
ress's  right,  ending  with  the  master.  If  they  do 
not  wear  gloves,  their  hands  must  be  scrupu- 
lously clean. 

The  clergyman  of  highest  rank  is  asked  to 
say  grace  j  but  if  the  master  of  the  house  is  him- 
self in  the  Church,  he  is  his  own  family  chap- 
lain, and  pronounces  the  grace  himself. 

Written  bills  of  fare  should  be  laid  to  every 
two  guests. 

The  most  elegant  novelties  for  the  appoint- 
ment of  the  dinner-table  should  be  obtained. 
Among  the  latest  of  these  we  may  mention  silver 
fish-knives,  semicircular  salad  plates,  and  glasses 
of  any  new  shape  lately  introduced.  • 

In  the  case  of  small  unceremonious  dinners, 


110  GOOD    MANNERS. 

where  the  dishes  are  brought  to  table,  the  gen- 
tleman sitting  nearest  the  lady  of  the  house 
should  offer  to  carve  for  her.  Every  gentleman 
should  therefore  know  how  to  carve  well.  The 
soup  comes  to  table  first,  and  then  the  fish.  It 
is  best  to  help  both  and  send  round  to  each 
guest  without  asking,  as  they  can  refuse  if  they 
choose. 

Bu£  the  dinner  d  la  Russe  being  now  so  uni- 
versal, we  must  more  especially  confine  our 
observations  to  that  form.  Granted,  then,  that 
no  dishes  appear  on  the  table,  the  rules  of  dining 
are  few  and  easy.  Both  host  and  guest  are 
relieved  from  every  kind  of  responsibility.  Dish 
after  dish  comes  round,  as  if  by  magic  j  and 
nothing  remains  but  to  eat  and  be  happy. 

To  eat  and  talk  well  at  the  same  time  is  pos- 
sible ;  but  the  old-fashioned  way  of  "  seeing  your 
dinner  before  you,"  and  having  to  carve,  as  well 
as  to  talk  and  eat,  involved  a  triple  duty  only 
within  the  compass  of  very  few.  It  is  not  well 
to  talk  too  much  at  a  dinner  party.  One  must 
observe  a  happy  medium  between  dulness  and 
brilliancy,  remembering  that  a  dinner  is  not  a 
conversazione.  In  talking  at  dinner,  or  indeed 
at  any  time,  gesticulation  is  objectionable.  No- 
thing can  well  be  more  awkward  than  to  over- 
turn a  wine-glass,  or  upset  the  sauce  upon  the 
dress  of  your  nearest  neighbor.  Talking  with 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  Ill 

the  mouth  full  is  an  unpardonable  solecism  in 
good  manners. 

All  small  preferences  for  different  wines  or 
dishes  should  be  kept  in  subordination.  The 
duty  of  satisfying  the  tastes  of  the  guests  belongs 
to  the  mistress  of  the  house ;  and  if  she  has 
failed  to  do  so,  the  failure  must  not  be  exposed. 
Dishes  and  wines  should  not  be  mentioned  un- 
less on  the  table. 

The  minor  etiquette  of  the  dinner-table  must 
be  at  all  times  remembered.  As  soon  as  you 
are  seated,  remove  your  gloves,  place  your 
table-napkin  across  your  knees,  only  partially 
unfolding  it,  and  place  your  roll  on  the  left  side 
of  your  plate.  As  soon  as  you  are  helped,  begin 
to  eat :  or  if  the  viands  are  too  hot,  take  up  your 
knife  and  fork  and  appear  to  begin.  To  wait 
for  others  is  not  only  old-fashioned  but  ill-bred. 
Never  offer  to  pass  on  the  plate  to  which  }TOU 
have  been  helped.  The  lady  of  the  house  who 
sends  your  plate  to  you  is  the  best  judge  of 
precedence  at  her  own  table.  In  eating  soup, 
remember  always  to  take  it  from  the  side  of  the 
spoon  and  to  make  no  sound  in  doing  so.  Soup 
and  fish  should  never  be  partaken  of  a  second 
time.  Whenever  there  is  a  servant  to  help  you, 
never  help  yourself;  when  he  is  near,  catch  his 
eye  and  ask  for  what  you  want.  Eating  and 
drinking  should  always  be  done  noiselessly 


112  GOOD    MANNERS. 

To  drink  a  whole  glassful  at  once,  or  drain  a 
glass  to  the  last  drop,  is  inexpressibly  vulgar. 

Knife,  fork,  and  spoon  may  be  abused.  It  is 
needless,  perhaps,  to  hint  that  the  knife  must 
never  be  carried  to  the  mouth.  Cheese  must  be 
eaten  with  a  fork,  as  also  peas,  and  most  vege- 
tables. Only  puddings  of  a  very  soft  kind,  and 
liquids,  require  a  spoon. 

Bread  is  not  to  be  bitten,  but  broken,  never 
cut.  Never  dip  a  piece  of  bread  into  the  gravy 
or  preserves  upon  your  plate,  and  then  bite  it ; 
but  if  you  wish  to  eat  them  together,  break  the 
bread  into  small  pieceu,  and  carry  these  to  your 
mouth  with  your  fork. 

Mustard,  salt,  £c.,  should  be  put  at  the  side 
of  the  plate,  and  one  vegetable  should  never  be 
heaped  on  the  top  of  the  other.  Always  remem- 
ber that  a  wine-glass  is  to  be  held  by  the  stem 
and  not  the  bowl,  and  that  the  plate  must  not 
be  tilted  on  any  occasion.  In  eating,  one  should 
not  bend  the  head  voraciously  over  the  plate, 
extend  the  elbows,  or  rattle  the  knife  and  fork ; 
but  transact  all  the  business  of  the  table  quietly 
and  gently.  Use  always  the  salt-spoon,  sugar- 
tongs,  and  butter-knife ;  to  use  your  own  knife, 
spoon,  or  lingers,  evinces  a  shocking  want  of 
good  breeding. 

Never  put  bones,  or  the  seeds  cf  fruit,  upon 
the  table-cloth.  Put  them  upon  the  edge  of 
your  plate. 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  113 

Anything  like  greediness  or  indecision  is  ill- 
bred.  The  choicest  pieces  are  ignored ;  and 
you  must  not  take  up  one  piece  and  lay  it  down, 
in  favor  of  another,  or  hesitate  whether  you 
will  partake  of  the  dish  at  all.  It  is  ymtche  in 
the  extreme  not  to  know  one's  own  mind  about 
trifles. 

Silver  fish-knives  are  found  at  the  best  dinner- 
tables  ;  but  where  there  are  none,  a  piece  of 
crust  should  be  taken  in  the  left  hand,  and  the 
fork  in  the  right. 

In  eating  asparagus,  it  is  well  to  observe  what 
others  do,  and  act  accordingly.  The  best  plan 
is  to  break  off  the  heads  with  the  fork,  and  thus 
convey  them  to  the  mouth.  In  eating  stone- 
fruit,  such  as  cherries,  plums,  &c.,  the  same 
diversity  of  fashion  .prevails.  Some  put  the 
stones  out  of  the  mouth  into  the  spoon,  and  so 
3onvey  them  to  the  plate.  Others  cover  the  lips 
with  the  hand,  drop  the  stones  unseen  into  the 
palm,  and  so  deposit  them  on  the  side  of  the 
plate.  Very  dainty  feeders  press  out  the  stone 
with  the  fork,  in  the  first  instance,  and  thus  get 
rid  of  the  difficulty.  This  is  the  safest  way  for 
ladies. 

Fruit  is  eaten  with  a  silver  knife  and  fork. 
A  very  expert  fruit  eater  will  so  pare  an  orange 
as  to  lose  none  of  the  juice  ;  but  anything  must 
be  sacrificed  rather  than  one's  good  manners. 
Never  use  your  knife  but  to  cut  your  food.  Your 


114  GOOD    MANNERS. 

fork  is  intended  to  carry  the  food  from  your 
plate  to  your  mouth.  Never  use  your  own  knife 
or  fork  to  help  others. 

At  dinner  parties  ladies  seldom  eat  cheese,  or 
drink  liquors,  or  take  wine  at  dessert.  Finger- 
glasses  containing  water  slightly  warmed  and 
perfumed  are  placed  to  each  person  at  dessert. 
In  these  you  dip  your  fingers,  wiping  them 
afterwards  on  your  table-napkin.  If  the  finger- 
glass  and  d'oyley  are  placed  on  your  dessert- 
plate,  you  should  remove  the  d'oyley  to  the  left 
hand  and  place  the  finger-glass  upon  it. 

The  servants  retire  after  handing  round  the 
dessert. 

It  is  a  foreign  custom,  and  an  excellent  one, 
to  serve  coffee  in  the  dining-room  before  the 
ladies  retire;  it  puts  an  end  to  the  prolonged 
wine-drinking,  now  so  universally  condemned 
by  well-bred  persons.  When  the  ladies  retire, 
the  gentlemen  rise,  and  the  gentleman  nearest 
the  door  holds  it  open  for  them  to  pass  through. 
Never  leave  the  table  until  the  mistress  of  the 
house  gives  the  signal. 

Never  put  fruit  or  bon-bons  in  your  pocket  to 
carry  them  from  the  table.  Do  not  eat  so  fast 
as  to  hurry  the  others,  nor  so  slowly  as  to  keep 
them  waiting. 

On  leaving  the  table  put  your  napkin  on  the 
table,  but  do  not  fold  it.  Offer  your  arm  to  the 
lady  whom  you  escorted  to  the  table. 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  115 

Taking  wine  with  people  is  now  wholly  out 
of  fashion.  Toasts  have  met  with  the  same  fate. 
To  remain  long  in  the  dining-room  after  the 
ladies  have  left  is  a  poor  compliment  to  both  the 
hostess  and  her  fair  visitors.  Still  worse  is  it 
to  rejoin  them  with  a  flushed  face  and  impaired 
powers  of  thought.  A  refined  gentleman  is 
always  temperate. 

Givers  of  dinners  should  lose  no  time  in 
making  themselves  acquainted  with  all  that  has 
been  written  by  the  great  masters  of  gastrono- 
my. The  following  golden  rules  of  Brillat- 
Savarin  should  be  committed  to  memory  : — 

"  Let  not  the  number  of  the  guests  exceed 
twelve,  so  that  the  conversation  may  be  general. 
Let  them  be  so  selected  that  their  occupations 
shall  be  varied,  their  tastes  similar,  their  points 
of  contact  so  numerous  that  to  introduce  them 
shall  scarcely  be  necessary. 

"  Let  the  dining-room  be  superbly  lighted, 
the  cloth  of  exquisite  fineness  and  gloss,  the 
temperature  of  the  room  from  60°  to  68°  Fah- 
renheit. 

11  Let  the  men  be  cultivated,  without  pre- 
tensions; and  the  ladies  charming,  without 
coquetry. 

"Let  the  dishes  be  exceedingly  choice,  but 
not  too  numerous ;  and  every  wine  first-rate  of 
its  kind. 

u  Let  the  order  of  dishes  be  from  the  substan 


116  GOOD    MANNERS. 

tial  to  the  light,  and  of  wines  from  the  simplest 
to  those  of  richest  bouquet. 

"Let  the  business  of  eating  be  very  slow,  the 
dinner  being  the  last  act  of  the  day's  drama ; 
and  let  the  guests  and  host  consider  themselves 
as  so  many  travellers  journeying  leisurely 
towards  the  same  destination. 

"Let  the  coffee  be  hot  and  the  liqueur  be 
chosen  by  the  host. 

"  Let  the  drawing-room  be  large  enough  for 
a  game  of  cards,  if  any  of  the  guests  cannot  do 
without  it,  and  yet  have  space  enough  remain- 
ing for  after-dinner  conversation. 

u  Let  the  guests  be  retained  by  the  attractions 
of  the  party,  and  animated  with  the  hope  of 
some  evening  meeting  again  under  the  same 
pleasant  auspices. 

"  Let  not  the  tea  be  too  strong  ;  let  the  toast 
be  buttered  in  the  most  scientific  manner ;  let 
the  punch  be  prepared  to  perfection. 

"  Let  no  one  depart  before  eleven  o'clock  and 
no  one  be  in  bed  later  than  twelve. 

"  If  any  one  has  been  present  at  a  party  ful- 
filling these  conditions,  he  may  boast  of  having 
been  present  at  his  own  apotheosis/' 

A  dinner  need  not  be  costly  to  be  attractive. 

Walker,  in  his  celebrated  "  Original,"  ob- 
serves :  u  Common  soup  made  at  home,  fish  of 
little  cost,  any  joints,  the  cheapest  vegetables, 
some  happy  and  unexpected  introduction  (as  a 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  117 

finely-dressed  crab,  or  a  pudding) — provided 
everything  is  good  in  quality,  and  the  dishes  are 
well  dressed,  and  served  hot,  and  in  succession, 
with  their  adjuncts — will  insure  a  quantity  of 
enjoyment  which  no  one  need  be  afraid  to 
offer." 

Observe,  however,  these  three  little  words, 
with  their  adjuncts.  Herein  lies  the  gist  of  the 
sentence  5  here  speaks  the  wisdom  of  the  prac- 
tised diner.  On  the  prompt  and  quick  serving 
of  these  same  "adjuncts"  half  the  enjoyment 
of  dinner  depends.  How  often  an  excellent 
dinner  is  spoilt  by  the  slow  arrival,  or  non- 
arrival,  of  those  necessary  condiments  without 
which  neither  meat  nor  vegetables  have  their 
proper  flavors.  The  best  beef  is  spoilt  if  it 
cools  while  we  are  waiting  for  the  mustard  ; 
veal  is  almost  uneatable  if  the  lemon  has  been 
forgotten  ;  asparagus,  though  served  in  Decem- 
ber, would  cease  to  be  a  delicacy  if  sent  up 
without  melted  butter  and  toast.  The  mistress 
of  a  house  should  never  leave  these  small  de- 
tails to  the  memory  or  judgment  of  her  cook ; 
but  should  order  the  accustomed  "adjuncts" 
with  each  dish.  To  know  these  things  is  not 
difficult,  and  not  to  know  them  is  to  shock  the 
prejudices  or  disappoint  the  appetites  of  those 
who  have  been  accustomed  to  the  received  rou- 
tine of  cookery. 

Small  stands  of   pepper,  mustard,  and    salt 


118  GOOD    MANNERS. 

should  be  placed  to  every  two  guests  at  a  din- 
ner party,  that  no  one  may  be  kept  waiting  for 
the  means  of  seasoning,  according  to  his  taste, 
the  food  which  has  been  placed  before  him. 

A  wealthy  man  will  study  to  give  the  best 
dinners  that  money  and  taste  can  provide.  But 
money,  let  us  ever  remember,  is  not  taste;  and 
though  we  may  grudge  no  expense  in  order  to 
please  our  guests,  too  great  a  display  of  wealth 
and  profusion  is  bourgeois  to  the  last  degree.  To 
provide  everything  that  is  out  of  season,  and 
nothing  that  is  in  season,  savors  of  pretension. 
The  common  sense  of  a  good  dinner  is  to  have 
things  when  they  are  early  and  really  at  their 
best.  A  very  choice  and  not  over  sumptuous 
dinner  is  ever  the  most  elegant.  Rare  delicacies 
from  a  distance  are  recherc/tg,  such  as  canvas- 
backed  ducks,  terrapins,  reedbirds,  &c.,  &c. 

Wines  should  always  be  of  the  choicest.  Cer- 
tain wines  are  taken  with  certain  dishes,  by  old- 
established  custom — as  sherry,  or  sauterne,  with 
soup  and  fish  ;  hock  and  claret  with  roast  meat; 
punch  with  turtle ;  port  with  venison ;  port,  or 
burgundy,  with  game;  sparkling  wines  between 
the  roast  and  the  confectionery;  madeira  with 
sweets  ;  port  with  cheese  ;  and  for  dessert,  port, 
tokay,  madeira,  sherry,  and  claret.  Ked  wines 
should  never  be  iced,  even  in  summer.  Claret 
and  burgundy  should  always  be  slightly  warmed. 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  119 

As  a  rule,  very  choice  wines  should  not  he  iced 
at  all. 

A  decanter  of  wine  or  water  may  he  readily 
cooled,  by  folding  a  wet  cloth  ahout  it  and 
placing  it  in  a  current  of  air. 

An  admirable  kind  of  wine  jug  has  lately 
been  invented  with  an  ice  receptacle  in  the  side, 
by  means  of  which  the  wine  is  even  more  effec- 
tually iced  than  with  an  ice  pail.  For  cham- 
pagne cup,  claret  cup,  or  effervescing  wines, 
this  kind  of  jug  is  most  desirable. 

Instead  of  cooling  their  wines  in  the  ice  pail, 
some  hosts  have  of  late  years  introduced  clear 
ice  upon  the  table,  broken  up  in  small  lumps, 
to  be  put  inside  the  glasses.  This  is  an  innova- 
tion that  cannot  be  too  strictly  reprehended 
or  too  soon  abolished.  Melting  ice  can  but 
weaken  the  quality  and  flavor  of  the  wine. 
Those  who  desire  to  drink  wine  and  water  can 
ask  for  iced  water  if  they  choose,  but  it  savors 
too  much  of  economy  on  the  part  of  a  host  to 
insinuate  the  ice  inside  the  glasses  of  his  guests, 
when  the  wine  could  be  more  effectually  iced 
outside  the  bottle. 

Great  care  is  necessary  in  decanting  wine,  so 
as  not  to  shake  or  cork  it.  Rare  French  wines 
should  be  brought  to  table  in  bottles,  as  decant- 
ing injures  the  flavor. 

Each  wine  at  the  best  tables  has  its  own 
distinctive  glass.  Very  broad  and  shallow  glasses 
9 


120  GOOD    MANNERS. 

are  used  for  sparkling  wines;  large  goblet-shaped 
glasses  for  burgundy  and  claret ;  ordinary  wine 
glasses  for  sherry  and  madeira ;  green  glasses 
for  hock ;  and  somewhat  large  bell-shaped 
glasses  for  port. 

While  on  the  subject  of  wines,  it  may  be  ob- 
served, en  passant,  that  it  is  considered  very 
vulgar  to  say  "  port  wine"  or  "  sherry  wine." 
In  England  no  well-bred  person  speaks  of  either 
as  anything  but  "  port"  or  "  sherry."  No  well- 
bred  Frenchman,  on  the  other  hand,  would 
speak  of  wines  except  as  "  vin  de  Champagne," 
4t  vin  de  Grave,"  "  vin  de  Bordeaux."  This  is 
one  of  the  many  instances  in  which  the  good 
manners  of  one  country  are  the  vulgarity  of 
another. 

As  there  are,  and  probably  ever  will  be,  a 
certain  number  of  persons  who  cling  to  old 
customs,  who  still  challenge  their  friends  to  take 
wine,  and  persist  in  having  their  dinners  served 
in  the  old-fashioned  manner,  we  subjoin  a  few 
observations  which  would  not  be  applicable  to 
dinners  and  dinner  customs  where  the  table  is 
dressed  d  la  Russe. 

The  gentlemen  who  support  the  lady  of  the 
house  should  offer  to  relieve  her  of  the  duties 
of  hostess.  Many  ladies  are  well  pleased  thus 
to  delegate  the  difficulties  of  carving,  and  all 
gentlemen  who  accept  invitations  to  dinner 
should  be  prepared  to  render  such  assistance 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  121 

when  called  upon.  To  offer  to  carve  a  dish,  and 
then  perform  the  office  unskilfully,  is  an  unpar- 
donable gaucherie.  Every  gentleman  should 
carve,  and  carve  well. 

The  soup  should  be  placed  on  the  table  first. 
Some  old-fashioned  persons  still  place  soup  and 
fish  together,  but  "it  is  a  custom  more  honored 
in  the  breach  than  the  observance."  Still  more 
old-fashioned,  and  in  still  worse  taste,  is  it  to 
ask  your  guests  if  they  will  take  u  soup  or  fish." 
They  are  as  much  separate  courses  as  the  fish 
and  the  meat,  and  all  experienced  diners  take 
both.  In  any  case,  it  is  inhospitable  to  appear 
to  force  a  choice  upon  a  visitor,  when  that 
visitor,  in  all  probability,  will  prefer  to  take 
his  soup  first  and  his  fish  afterwards.  All 
well-ordered  dinners  begin  with  soup,  whether 
in  summer  or  winter.  The  lady  of  the  house 
should  help  it,  and  send  it  round  without  ask- 
ing each  individual  in-  turn — it  is  as  much  an 
understood  thing  as  the  bread  beside  each  plate  ; 
and  those  who  do  not  choose  it  are  always  at 
liberty  to  leave  it  untasted.  Never  take  soup 
twice. 

If  the  servants  do  not  go  round  with  wine, 
the  gentlemen  should  help  the  ladies  and  them- 
selves to  sherry  or  sau^erne  with  the  soup. 

As  a  general  rule,  it  is  better  not  to  ask  your 
guests  if  they  will  partake  of  the  dishes,  but  to 
send  the  plates  round,  and  let  them  acoept  or 


122  GOOD    MANNERS 

decline  them  as  they  please.  At  very  large 
dinners  it  is  sometimes  customary  to  distribute 
little  lists  of  the  order  of  the  dishes  at  intervals 
along  the  table.  It  must  be  confessed  that  this 
gives  somewhat  the  air  of  a  dinner  at  an  hotel  ,• 
but  it  has  the  advantage  of  enabling  the  visitors 
to  select  their  fare,  and,  as  "forewarned  is 
forearmed,"  to  keep  a  corner,  as  the  children 
say,  for  their  favorite  dishes. 

In  helping  soup,  fish,  or  any  other  dish,  re- 
member that  to  overfill  a  plate  is  as  bad  as  to 
supply  it  too  scantily. 

Always  help  fish  with  a  fish-slice,  and  tart 
and  puddings  with  a  spoon,  or  if  necessary,  a 
spoon  and  fork. 

In  helping  sauce,  always  pour  it  on  the  sile 
of  the  plate. 

Never  touch  either  your  knife  or  fork  until 
after  you  have  finished  eating  your  soup.  Leave 
your  spoon  in  your  soup  plate,  that  the  servant 
may  take  them  both. 

In  changing  your  plate  or  passing  it  during 
dinner,  remove  your  knife  and  fork,  that  the 
plate  alone  may  be  taken,  but  after  you  have 
finished  your  dinner,  cross  the  knife  and  fork 
on  the  plate,  that  the  servant  may  take  all  away 
before  bringing  clean  ones  for  the  dessert. 

If  you  are  asked  to  take  wine,  it  is  polite  to 
select  the  same  as  that  which  your  interlocutor 
is  drinking.  If  you  invite  a  lady  to  take  wine, 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  123 

you  should  ask  her  which  she  will  prefer,  and 
then  take  the  same  yourself.  Should  you,  how- 
ever, for  any  reason  prefer  some  other  vintage, 
you  can  take  it  by  courteously  requesting  her 
permission. 

Unless  you  are  a  total  abstainer,  it  is  ex- 
tremely uncivil  to  decline  taking  wine  if  you 
are  invited  to  do  so.  In  accepting,  you  have 
only  to  pour  a  little  fresh  wine  into  your  glass, 
look  at  the  person  who  invites  you,  bow  slightly, 
and  take  a  sip  from  your  glass. 

It  is  ill-bred  to  empty  your  glass  on  these 
occasions. 

If  you  are  asked  to  prepare  fruit  for  a  lady, 
be  careful  to  do  so  by  means  of  the  silver  knife 
and  fork  only,  and  never  to  touch  it  with  your 
fingers. 

It  is  wise  never  to  partake  of  any  dish  with- 
out knowing  of  what  ingredients  it  is  composed. 
You  can  always  ask  the  servant  who  hands  it  to 
you,  and  you  thereby  avoid  all  danger  of  having 
to  commit  the  impoliteness  of  leaving  it,  and 
showing  that  you  do  not  approve  of  it. 

Be  careful  never  to  taste  soups  or  puddings 
till  you  are  sure  they  are  sufficiently  cool  ;  as, 
by  disregardino;  this  caution,  you  may  be  com- 
pelled to  swallow  what  is  dangerously  hot,  or  be 
driven  to  the  unpardonable  alternative  of  return- 
ing it  to  your  plate. 

L3eas  are  eaten  with  the  fork. 


124  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Servants  should  not  wait  at  table  in  white 
gloves,  but  with  a  white  damask  napkin  in  the 
hand,  the  end  of  which  should  be  wrapped 
round  the  thumb. 

The  lady  of  the  house  should  never  send 
away  her  plate,  or  appear  to  have  done  eating, 
till  all  her  guests  have  finished. 

If  you  should  unfortunately  overturn  or  break 
anything,  do  not  apologize  for  it.  You  can  show 
your  regret  in  your  face,  but  it  is  not  well-bred 
to  put  it  into  words. 

To  abstain  from  taking  the  last  piece  on  the 
dish,  or  the  last  glass  of  wine  in  the  decanter, 
only  because  it  is  the  last,  is  highly  ill-bred. 
It  implies  a  fear  on  your  part  that  the  vacancy 
cannot  be  supplied,  and  almost  conveys  an 
affront  to  your  host. 

To  those  ladies  who  have  houses  and  servants 
at  command  we  have  one  or  two  remarks  to 
offer.  Every  housekeeper  should  be  acquainted 
with  the  routine  of  a  dinner  and  the  etiquette 
of  a  dinner  table.  No  lady  should  be  utterly 
dependent  on  the  taste  and  judgment  of  her 
cook.  Though  she  need  not  know  how  to  dress 
a  dish,  she  should  be  able  to  judge  of  it  when 
served.  The  mistress  of  a  house,  in  short, 
should  be  to  her  cook  what  a  publisher  is  to  his 
authors — that  is  to  say,  competent  to  form  a 
iudgment  upon  their  works,  though  himself  in- 

J  r      ^   •••  '  A.'    1 

capable  or  writing  even  a  magazine  article. 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE. 


125 


If  you  wish  to  give  a  good  dinner,  and  do 
not  know  in  what  manner  to  set  about  it,  you 
will  do  wisely  to  order  it  from  any  first-rate 
restaurateur.  By  these  means  you  insure  the 
best  cookery  and  a  faultless  carte. 

Never  reprove  your  servants  before  guests. 
If  a  dish  is  not  placed  precisely  where  you  would 
have  wished  it  to  stand,  or  the  order  of  a  course 
is  reversed,  let  the  error  pass  unnoticed  by  your- 
self, and  you  may  depend  that  it  will  remain 
unnoticed  by  others. 

To  ladies  who  have  the  happiness  of  being 
mothers  we  would  say,  Never  let  your  children 
make  their  appearance  at  dessert  when  you  en- 
tertain friends  at  dinner ;  children  are  out  of 
place  on  these  occasions.  Your  guests  only 
tolerate  them  through  politeness  ;  their  presence 
interrupts  the  genial  flow  of  afterdinner  conver- 
sation ;  and  you  may  rely  upon  it  that,  with  the 
exception  of  yourself  and  your  husband,  there 
is  not  a  person  at  table  who  does  not  wish  them 
in  the  nursery. 

The  duties  of  hostess  at  a  dinner  party  are 
not  onerous  ;  but  they  demand  tact  and  good 
breeding,  grace  of  bearing,  and  self-possession 
in  no  ordinary  degree.  She  does  not  often 
carve  ;  she  has  no  active  duties  to  perform  ;  but 
she  must  neglect  nothing,  forget  nothing,  put 
all  her  guests  at  their  ease,  and  pay  every  pos- 
sible attention  to  the  requirements  of  each  and 


126  GOOD    MANNERS. 

all  around  her.  No  accident  must  ruffle  her 
temper.  No  disappointment  must  embarrass 
her.  She  must  see  her  old  china  broken  without 
a  sigh,  and  her  best  glass  shattered  with  a  smile. 

The  duties  of  a  host  are  more  difficult.  Hear 
what  a  modern  writer  has  to  say  on  this  im- 
portant subject: — 

u  To  perform  faultlessly  the  honors  of  the 
table  is  one  of  the  most  difficult  things  in  society. 
It  mii-'ht.  indeed,  be  asserted  without  much  fear 

~  / 

of  contradiction,  that  no  man  has  as  vet  ever 

•  t 

reached  exact  propriety  in  his  office  as  host,  or 
lias  hit  the  mean  between  exerting  himself  too 
much  and  too  little.  His-  great  business  is  to 
put  every  one  entirely  at  his  ease?  to  gratify  all 
his  desires,  and  make  him,  in  a  word,  absolutely 
contented  with  men  and  things.  To  accomplish 
this,  he  must  have  the  genius  of  tact  to  perceive, 
and  the  genius  of  finesse  to  execute-,  ease  and 
frankness  of  manner  ;  a  knowledge  of  the  world 
that  nothing  can  surprise-,  a  calmness  of  temper 
that  nothing  can  disturb  ;  and  a  kindness  of  dis- 
position that  can  never  be  exhausted  When 
he  receives  others,  he  must  be  content  to  forget 
himself;  he  must  relinquish  all  desire  to  shine, 
and  even  all  attempts  to  please  his  guests  by 
conversation,  and  rather  do  all  in  his  power  to 
let  them  please  one  another.  He  behaves  to 
them  without  agitation,  without  affectation  -,  he 
pays  attention  without  an  air  of  protection ;  he 


TABLE    ETIQUETTE.  127 

encourages  the  timid,  draws  out  the  silent,  and 
directs  conversation  without  sustaining  it  him 
self.     He  who  does  not  do  all  this  is  wanting 
in  his  duty  as  host ;  he  who  does  is  more  than 
mortal." 

In  conclusion,  we  have  a  few  words  to  offer 
on  the  subject  of  m£nns  in  general. 

For  an  ordinary  dinner  the  following  m£nu  is 
sufficient: — One  kind  of  soup,  one  kind  of  fish, 
two  entries,  a  roast,  a  boil,  game,  cheese,  ices, 
dessert,  and  coffee. 

For  a  more  ceremonious  dinner — two  soups 
(one  white,  the  other  clear),  two  kinds  of  fish, 
and  four  entree*  are  necessary. 

Bread  should  be  cut  for  table  not  less  than  an 
inch  thick,  but  rolls  are  preferable. 

Pea  soup,  roast  pork,  and  boiled  beef  are 
never  seen  upon  good  tables. 

Of  all  animal  food,  venison  is  the  most  digest- 
ible. 

Entries  are  those  dishes  which  are  served  in 
the  first  course,  after  the  fish. 

Entremets  are  those  dishes  which  are  served 
in  the  second  course,  after  the  roast. 

A  turkey  will  be  much  improved  by  roasting 
it  covered  with  bacon  and  paper.     A  Christmas 
turkey  should  be  hung  from  a  fortnight  to  three 
weeks.     A    guinea-fowl  and   pheasant   are  ad 
vantageously  dressed  together. 


128  GOOD    MANNERS. 

The  Almanack  des  Gourmands  says,  "A  deli- 
cious sauce  will  cause  you  to  eat  an  elephant." 

The  only  secret  of  dressing  vegetables,  so  as 
to  preserve  their  fresh  green  color,  is  an  open 
saucepan,  plenty  of  water,  a  proper  quantity  of 
salt,  and  fast  boiling. 

The  Spanish  proverb  says,  "  Four  persons  are 
wanted  to  make  a  good  salad ;  a  spendthrift  for 
oil,  a  miser  for  vinegar,  a  counsellor  for  salt, 
and  a  madman  to  stir  it  all  up." 

Cheese  taken  at  the  close  of  the  dinner  assists 
digestion. 

Wines  should  vary  with  the  season.  Light 
wines  are  best  in  summer ;  in  winter  generous 
wines  are  preferable. 

The  custom  of  taking  coffee  after  a  very  late 
dinner  is  bad,  since  its  stimulant  properties 
exert  a  power  destructive  to  sleep.  Never  pour 
it  into  a  saucer  to  cool. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

Engagement  and  Marriage. 

pOURTSHIP  is  one  of  those  crises  in  the 
\J  course  of  life  when  to  act  by  rule  is  impos- 
sible, and  where  feeling  and  good  sense  will 
prove  one's  best  and  often  one's  only  counsel- 
lors. No  wise  man  will  weary  a  lady  with  too 
much  of  his  presence,  or  risk  being  regarded  as 
a  bore.  No  well-bred  woman  will  receive  a 
man's  attentions  —  however  acceptable  —  too 
eagerly  ;  nor  will  she  carry  reserve  so  far  as  to 
be  altogether  discouraging.  It  is  quite  possible 
for  a  lady  to  let  it  be  seen  that  such  and  such  a 
prttendant  is  .not  disagreeable  to  her,  without 
actually  encouraging  him.  It  is  equally  possi- 
ble for  a  man  to  show  attention,  and  even  assi- 
duity, up  to  a  certain  point,  without  becoming  a 
lover.  No  man  likes  to  be  refused,  and  no  man 
of  tact  will  risk  a  refusal.  Unless  the  lady  is 
false,  or  a  downright  coquette,  a  man  ought 
always  to  be  able  to  judge  whether  he  will  be 
favorably  heard,  before  he  ventures  upon  his 
offer. 

With  regard  to  the  manner  of  the  offer,  it  is 
impossible  to  offer  advice;  all  must  depend  on 

(129) 


130  GOOD    MANNERS. 

circumstances.  Is  the  lover  nervous  or  not 
nervous  ?  Has  he  a  persuasive  tongue  ?  Does 
he  speak  well  under  trying  circumstances?  Has 
he  a  good  manner  ?  an  agreeable  person  ?  If  he 
possesses  these  qualifications,  he  will  do  well  to 
make  his  offer  in  person.  If,  on  the  contrary, 
he  is  bashful,  or  labors  under  any  defect  of 
speech,  or  is  likely  to  break  down,  or  is  not 
prepared  to  take  a  refusal  gracefully,  or  in  any 
way  mistrusts  his  own  tact  and  presence  of 
mind,  he  had  far  better  intrust  his  cause  to  his 
pen. 

We  suppose  him  accepted.  His  conduct  as  a 
fiance  must  be  tender,  assiduous,  unobtrusive. 
He  must  evince  the  utmost  respect  towards 
every  member  of  the  lady's  family.  He  must 
by  no  means  act  as  if  he  considered  himself 
already  a  member  of  that  family,  or  venture 
upon  being  in  any  way  unduly  familiar.  He 
must  for  the  present  content  himself  with  the 
position  of  a  devoted  friend  only;  testifying 
interest  in  all  that  concerns  the  welfare  of  the 
family  to  which  he  hopes  to  unite  himself,  and 
losing  no  opportunity  of  rendering  them  any 
service  that  may  lie  in  his  power. 

All  airs  of  mastership,  all  foolish  display  of 
jealousy,  should  be  avoided.  Lovers'  quarrels 
are  as  earnestly  to  be  dreaded  and  deprecated  as 
the  quarrels  of  husbands  and  wives,  or  brothers 
and  sisters.  Quarrels  cannot  but  impair  mutual 


ENGAGEMENT    AND    MARRIAGE.        lol 

respect  and  diminish  love.  The  lady,  on  the 
other  hand,  must  not  be  exacting  or  capricious  ; 
must  not  flirt  with  others  ;  must  not  be  too 
demonstrative  ;  find  must  never  find  fault  with- 
out a  cause.  Both  should  remember  that  they 
are  in  the  first  stage  of  what  is  to  be  a  lifelong 
friendship,  and  should  manifest  the  utmost 
degree  of  mutual  candor,  confidence,  and  sym 
pathy. 

It  must  surely  be  unnecessary  to  hint,  that 
no  approach  towards  familiarity  must  ever  be 
indulged  in.  The  most  perfect  reserve  in  court- 
ship, even  in  cases  of  the  most  ardent  attach- 
ment, is  indispensable  to  the  happiness  of  the 
married  life  to  come.  All  public  displays  of 
devotion  should  be  avoided.  They  tend  to  lessen 
mutual  respect,  and  make  the  actors  ridiculous 
in  the  eyes  of  others.  It  is  quite  possible  for  a 
man  to  show  every  conceivable  attention  to  the 
lady  to  whom  he  is  engaged,  and  yet  to  avoid 
committing  the  slightest  offence  against  delicacy 
or  good  taste. 

Ladies  should  remember  that  nothing  takes 
the  bloom  so  completely  off  a  man's  admiration, 
as  untidiness  in  the  woman  he  loves.  A  lady's 
dress  should  be  at  all  times  exquisitely  clean 
and  neat.  He,  on  his  side,  should  be  chival- 
rously conformable  to  her  tastes,  giving  up 
snicking,  or  any  other  habits  to  which  she  may 


132  GOOD    MANNERS. 

object;  and,  above  all  things,  paying  no  undue 
attentions  to  other  women. 

The  gentleman  presents  the  lady  with  a  ring 
as  soon  as  they  are  engaged.  If  her  parents 
permit  her  to  accept  many  presents,  the  lover 
will  not  fail  to  surround  her  with  tokens  of  his 
devotion  :  if,  however,  this  habit  is  not  encou- 
raged, he  can  spend  as  much  money  as  he  pleases 
in  offering  her  flowers  of  the  rarest  and  costliest 
kinds.  These  she  can  always  accept  and  ho  may 
always  offer.  A  sensible  man  will  not  give  more 
presents  than  he  can  justly  afford. 

It  is  the  lady's  privilege  to  fix  the  wedding 
day. 

The  marriage  settlement  is  an  important 
point.  No  parent  or  guardian  should  allow  his 
child  or  ward  to  marry  without  having  a  part 
of  her  fortune  secured  upon  herself.  The  young 
lady  may  be  over-generous,  but  her  advisers  will 
do  well  to  act  upon  their  own  judgment  in  this 
matter.  It  is  quite  as  advantageous  to  the  hus- 
band as  to  herself,  since,  in  case  of  unlooked-for 
loss  or  misfortune,  there  is  a  sure  provision  for 
his  wife  and  children.  Professional  men,  clerks, 
commercial  travellers,  and  all  that  numerous 
class  of  men  who  are  dependent  upon  their 
health  for  the  maintenance  of  their  family,  are 
in  duty  bound  to  insure  their  lives  for  the  bene- 
tit  of  their  survivors. 

To  return   to  the  marriage  settlement.     An 


ENGAGEMENT    AND    MARRIAGE.        133 

allowance  for  the  lady's  dress  and  pocket  money 
should  always  be  made,  and  so  administered 
that  the  wife  will  not  have  to  ask  for  it  in  sea- 
son and  out  of  season,  but  receive  it  as  promptly 
as  if  it  were  a  dividend. 

The  trousseau  should  be  in  accordance  with 
the  means  of  the  bride.  It  is  preposterous  for 
ladies  of  middle-class  rank  and  limited  means 
to  provide  themselves  with  a  showy,  useless 
outfit ;  and  in  all  cases  a  bridal  trousseau  should 
consist  less  of  dresses,  bonnets,  and  things  of 
ephemeral  fashion,  than  of  linen,  laces,  French, 
Indian,  or  Cashmere  shawls,  jewellery,  and  the 
like. 

The  bridesmaids  may  be  from  two  to  twelve 
in  number.  The  bride's  sisters,  and  the  bride- 
groom's nearest  female  relations,  should  be 
bridesmaids  if  possible.  The  brothers  and  very 
intimate  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom  are 
usually  selected  for  groomsmen.  A  very  young 
lady  should  have  bridesmaids  of  her  own  age, 
but  a  bride  who  is  no  longer  in  her  girlhood 
should  choose  bridesmaids  who  will  not  make 
her  look  old  and  ugly  by  comparison.  The 
bridesmaids  may  wear  veils,  and  should  always 
be  dressed  in  white,  trimmed  with  delicate 
colors.  When  there  are  six  or  eight  it  is  usual 
for  half  to  dress  in  one  color  and  the  other  half 
in  another.  The  bouquet  of  the  bride  should 
be  entirely  of  white — camellias,  orange  flowers, 


134  GOOD    MANNERS. 

&c. ;  those  of  the  bridesmaids  of  mixed  colors. 
Groomsmen  usually  present  the  bouquet  to  the 
bridesmaid  they  are  to  wait  upon.  Except  at 
very  large  wedding  breakfasts,  it  is  customary 
to  invite  only  relatives  and  very  intimate  friends 
to  the  dejeuner.  In  the  former  case,  invitations 
on  printed  cards  are  sent  out  by  the  bride's 
parents  or  guardians. 

The  French  bridal  costume  is  much  simpler 
and  prettier  than  the  English,  and  we  should 
be  glad  to  see  it  imitated.  It  consists  of  a  dress 
of  white  tulle  over  white  silk,  a  long  veil  of 
white  tulle  reaching  to  the  feet,  and  a  wreath  of 
maiden-blush  roses  interspersed  with  orange 
blossoms.  In  England  rich  lace  is  worn  over 
white  satin  or  silk,  and  the  veil  is  generally  of 
costliest  lace. 

Widows  and  ladies  of  middle  age  are  married 
in  bonnets.  The  bridegroom  wears  elegant 
evening  dress,  dark  trousers,  a  black  dress-coat, 
and  a  white  neck-tie. 

The  order  of  going  to  church  is  as  follows  : — • 
The  bridesmaids,  groomsmen  and  members  of 
the  bride's  family  set  off  first ;  the  bride  goes 
last  with  her  father  and  mother,  or  with  her 
mother  alone,  and  the  relative  who  is  to  repre- 
sent her  father  if  he  be  dead  or  absent.  The 
father  of  the  bride  gives  her  his  arm  and  leads 
her  to  the  altar. 

The  bride  stands  f,o  the  left  of  the  bridegroom, 


ENGAGEMENT    AND    MARRIAGE.        135 

and- takes  the  glove  off  her  left  hand,  while  he 
takes  the  glove  off  his  right  hand.  The  bride 
gives  hei  glove  to  her  bridesmaids  to  hold.  Per- 
fect self-control  should  be  exhibited  by  all  par- 
ties during  the  ceremony ;  nothing  is  more  un- 
dignified than  exhibitions  of  feeling  in  public. 
People  who  have  no  self-control  had  better 
remain  at  home. 

The  bride  quits  the  church  first  with  the 
bridegroom,  and  they  drive  away  together  in  his 
carriage  ;  the  rest  follow  in  their  own  carriages. 

The  bridegroom  should  be  liberal  in  his  fees, 
if  he  can  afford  to  be  so.  A  rich  man  may  give 
any  sum  to  the  officiating  clergyman,  from  five 
dollars  to  five  hundred.  For  people  of  moderate 
moans,  from  five  to  twenty  dollars  is  ample. 

The  entertainment  should  be  supplied  by  a 
first-rate  confectioner,  and  the  table  should  be 
as  beautiful  as  flowers,  plate,  glass,  and  china 
can  make  it. 

Fees  to  servants  must  depend  upon  circum- 
stances. From  a  rich  bridegroom  large  sums 
are  expected,  but  from  persons  of  moderate 
means  extravagant  fees  would  be  out  of  place. 
The  bridegroom  usually  presents  each  brides- 
maid with  some  elegant  trinket,  which  should 
be  the  best  of  its  kind.  No  distinction  should 
be  made  in  these  gifts.  The  bridegroom  usually 
presents  the  bride  with  some  useful  and  costly 
article. 
10 


136  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Where  the  circle  of  friends  on  both  sides  is 
very  extensive,  it  has  of  late  become  customary 
to  send  invitations  to  such  as  are  not  called  to 
the  wedding  feast,  to  attend  the  ceremony  at 
church.  This  stands  in  place  of  issuing  cards. 
When  this  rule  is  observed,  it  is  usual,  in  noti- 
fying the  marriage  in  the  newspapers,  to  add 
the  words  "  No  cards." 

When  a  gentleman  attends  a  wedding  or 
bridal  reception,  it  is  the  bridegroom  he  is  to 
congratulate,  offering  to  the  bride  his  wishes  for 
her  future  happiness,  but  not  congratulation. 

If  you  are  acquainted  with  the  bridegroom, 
and  not  with  the  bride,  speak  to  him  first,  and 
he  will  introduce  you  to  his  bride  ;  but  in  any 
other  case,  you  must  speak  first  to  the  bride, 
then  to  the  bridegroom,  then  to  the  bridesmaids, 
if  you  have  any  previous  acquaintance  with 
them  ;  then  to  the  parents  and  family  of  the 
bride  and  groom ;  and  after  this  you  are  at  liberty 
to  seek  your  friends. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

Visiting  at  a  Country  House. 

T7ISITORS  are  bound  by  the  laws  of  social 
V  intercourse  to  conform  in  all  respects  to 
the  habits  of  the  house.  In  order  to  do  this 
effectually,  they  should  inquire  what  those 
habits  are.  To  keep  your  friend's  dinner  wait- 
ing ;  to  accept  other  invitations  ;  to  impose  much 
trouble  on  your  friend's  servants ;  or  to  keep 
the  family  up  till  unwonted  hours,  are  alike 
evidences  of  a  want  of  good  feeling  and  good 
breeding. 

At  breakfast,  dinner,  and  tea,  absolute  punc- 
tuality ought  to  be  expected. 

No  order  of  precedence  is  observed  at  either 
breakfast  or  luncheon.  Persons  take  their  seats 
as  they  come  in,  and  "having  exchanged  their 
morning  salutations,  begin  without  waiting  for 
the  rest  of  the  party.  If  letters  are  delivered 
to  you  at  breakfast  or  luncheon,  you  may  read 
them  by  asking  permission  from  your  host  or 
hostess. 

Always  hold  yourself  at  the  disposal  of  those 
in  whose  house  you  are  staying.  If  they  pro- 


138  GOOD    MANNERS. 

pose  to  ride,  drive,  walk,  or  otherwise  occupy 
the  day,  you  may  take  it  for  granted  that  these 
plans  are  made  with  reference  to  your  enjoy- 
ment. You  should  therefore  receive  them  with 
cheerfulness,  and  enter  into  them  with  alacrity, 
doing  your  best  to  seem  pleased,  and  be  pleased, 
by  the  efforts  which  are  made  to  entertain  you. 

Children  and  horses  should  never  be  taken 
except  to  old  friends,  or  when  the  invitation 
especially  includes  them.  No  visit  should  bo 
prolonged  beyond  a  week,  unless  amongst  very 
intimate  friends  and  relations.  Both  host  and 
guest  should  study  to  be  as  agreeable  to  each 
other  as  possible,  and  not  exact  too  much  of  each 
other's  company. 

A  guest  should  endeavor  to  amuse  himself  as 
much  as  possible,  and  not  be  continually  de- 
pendent on  his  host  for  entertainment.  He 
should  remember  that,  however  welcome  he  may 
be,  he  is  not  always  wanted.  During  the 
morning  hours  a  gentleman  visitor  who  neither 
shoots,  reads,  writes  letters,  nor  does  anything 
but  idle  about  the  house  and  chat  with  the 
ladies,  is  an  intolerable  nuisance.  Sooner  than 
become  the  latter,  he  had  better  retire  to  the 
billiard-room  and  practise  cannons  by  himself, 
or  walk  about  the  neighborhood. 

The  lady  visitor  should,  of  course,  amuse  and 
occupy  herself  in  like  manner,  as  best  suits  her 
own  taste :  remembering  that  her  hostess,  as 


VISITING    AT    A    COUNTRY    HOUSE.    139 

mistress  of  the  house,  must  have  many  duties 
and  occupations  for  the  morning. 

Those  who  receive  "  staying  visitors/1  as  they 
are  called,  should  remember  that  the  truest  hos- 
pitality is  that  which  places  the  visitor  most  at 
his  ease,  and  affords  him  the  greatest  oppor- 
tunity for  enjoyment.  They  should  also  re- 
member that  different  persons  have  different 
ideas  on  the  subject  of  enjoyment,  and  that  the 
surest  way  of  making  a  guest  happy  is  to  find 
out  what  gives  him  pleasure ;  not  to  impose 
that  upon  him  which  is  pleasure  to  themselves. 

As  a  rule,  host  and  guest  should  be  quite  in- 
dependent of  each  other  till  breakfast,  after 
which  time  the  host  will  have  planned  drives, 
walks,  and  out-door  amusements  for  his  visitors, 
taking  care  that  each  guest  shall  enjoy  the 
recreation  and  the  society  he  likes  best.  A  model 
host  is  the  most  unselfish  person  possible,  relin- 
quishing the  best  of  everything  in  favor  of  those 
he  has  invited  to  his  house.  At  dinner  the 
whole  party  reassembles,  men  tall}7  and  phys- 
ically refreshed,  let  us  hope,  by  exercise  and 
genial  companionship.  A  guest  is  bound  to 
spend  his  evening  in  the  drawing-room,  and  to 
behave  in  all  respects  as  if  he  were  a  visitor  for 
that  evening  only  5  dressing  as  for  a  party,  and 
exerting  himself  to  be  as  agreeable  as  if  he 
were  about  to  take  his  leave  at  eleven  o'clock. 

The   signal  lor  retiring  to  rest  is  generally 


140  GOOD    MANNERS. 

given  by  the  appearance  of  a  servant  with  a 
tray  containing  fruit,  wine,  water,  and  biscuits. 
These  are  the  last  refreshments  of  the  evening, 
and  the  visitor  will  do  well  to  watch  his  oppor- 
tunity to  rise  and  wish  good-night  shortly  after 
they  have  been  handed  round. 

Great  discretion  must  be  used  among  guests 
to  avoid  all  criticism  on  their  host,  his  friends, 
his  household,  his  manner  of  living,  and  all  that 
concerns  him.  If  anything  goes  wrong  during 
the  visit,  one  should  seem  not  to  see  it.  If  the 
dinner  is  late,  it  is  very  impolite  to  appear  im- 
patient. If  any  plan  falls  to  the  ground,  no 
comments  or  disapproval  must  be  indulged  in, 
and  no  disappointment  betrayed.  If  the  child- 
ren of  the  house  are  fractious,  or  noisy,  a  visitor 
must  never  find  fault  with  their  behavior. 

The  same  caution  must  be  exercised  in  the 
treatment  of  your  friend's  friends.  They  may 
be  such  as  you  do  not  care  to  become  intimate 
with,  but  you  must  not  evince  dislike  or  special 
avoidance,  and  must  always  have  recourse 
rather  to  a  negative  than  a  positive  line  of  con- 
duct. A  person  of  tact  can  always  keep  people 
at  a  distance  without  hurting  their  feelings. 

Your  friend's  horses,  carriages,  books,  &c., 
should  be  even  more  carefully  used  than  if  they 
were  your  own.  A  good-natured  host  will  de- 
light in  seeing  his  visitors  enjoy  all  the  good 
things  he  places  at  their  disposal,  but  they 


VISITING    AT   A    COUNTRY   HOUSE.    141 

should  never  abuse  his  indulgence.  To  ride  a 
horse  too  far  or  too  fast,  to  dog's-ear  or  blot  his 
books,  to  gather  his  flowers  without  permission, 
are  all  signs  of  an  under-bred  and  selfish  nature. 
Above  all,  we  should  be  thoughtful  in  our  treat- 
ment of  his  servants  j  never  putting  them  to 
undue  trouble,  nor  commenting  on  their  short- 
comings. 

The  religious  opinions  of  those  from  whom 
we  receive  hospitality  must  on  no  account  be 
shocked  or  scoffed  at.  If  our  friends  go  to 
church,  we  should  go  with  them  ;  or,  without 
remark,  repair  to  the  place  of  worship  we  prefer. 
If  family  prayers  are  read,  we  should  endeavor 
to  be  present.  If  the  Sunday  is  observed  with 
great  rigidity,  we  should  refrain  from  any  pur- 
suits to  which  objection  could  possibly  be  made. 
In  short,  we  must  remember  that  social  inter- 
course is  made  up  of  innumerable  little  acts  of 
kindness,  self-denial,  charity,  chivalry,  and  good 
fellowship  ;  and  that  only  those  who  give  largely 
will  receive  "  full  measure,  brimming  over." 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

Hints  on  Carving. 

A  I/THOUGH,  in  these  days  ot  dinners  a  la 
-1JL  Russe,  it  is  seldom  that  either  ladies  or 
gentlemen  are  called  upon  to  carve  in*  society,  a 
certain  proficiency  in  the  art  is  indispensable 
to  both  sexes  in  the  daily  routine  of  home  life. 

In  the  middle  classes  this  duty  is  not  unusu- 
ally taken  by  the  wife  of  a  man  whom  business 
may  often  detain  from  his  home  ;  and  a  skilful 
and  economical  carver  is  no  bad  helpmate  for  a 
hard-working  professional  man. 

Men  ought  to  know  how  to  carve  any  joint  or 
dish  set  before  them,  or,  however  high  their 
standing  in  the  world,  they  appear  awkward 
and  clownish  ;  and,  therefore,  all  men  should 
practise  the  art  of  carving  in  their  youth. 

The  first  necessary  provisions  for  carving  are 
the  proper  utensils;  the  most  skilful  of  artists 
would  be  defeated  in  his  aim  if  he  had  not  his 
tools.  The  carving-knives  and  forks  are  now 
made  specially  for  the  various  dishes.  The  fish- 
slices should  be  of  silver  or  silver  metal,  in 
order  that  the  flavoi  of  the  fish  may  not  be  in- 

(142) 


HINTS    ON    CARVING.  143 

jured  by  contact  with  steel;  and  made  flat  and 
broad,  so  that  the  flakes  be  not  broken  in  raising. 
For  joints,  use  a  very  long  sharp  steel  blade; 
and  for  poultry  and  game,  a  long-handled  knife 
with  a  short  and  pointed  blade,  so  constructed 
as  to  be  inserted  dexterously  between  the  small 
joints  of  the  birds.  The  forks  must  be  two- 
pronged,  and  the  dish  must  be  sufficiently  near 
to  the  carver  to  give  him  an  easy  command  over 
it.  Having  the  needful  utensils  for  work,  all 
now  depends  on  the  coolness,  confidence,  and 
dexterity  of  the  carver.  A  very  brief  amount 
of  practice  will  enable  him  to  know  what  joints 
there  must  be  in  the  piece  before  him,  and  where 
they  are  situated.  In  butcher's  meat,  one  rule 
is  almost  universal :  the  slice  cut  must  be  cut 
across  the  fibres  of  the  meat,  and  not  along  them  ; 
a  process  which  renders  it  more  easy  to  masti- 
cate and  digest.  The  exceptions  to  this  rule  are 
the  fillet  or  under-cut  in  a  sirloin  of  beef,  and  the 
slices  along  the  bone  in  a  saddle  of  mutton.  In 
cutting  a  joint  of  meat,  the  strong  fork  is  used 
to  steady  it:  but  in  carving  poultry  it  is  the 
fork  which  is  most  useful  in  removing  the  wing 
and  leg  by  a  jerk,  without  leaving  any  ragged 
remains  adhering  to  the  body.  All  this  must 
be  accomplished  by  dexterity  not  by  strength, 
and  any  lady  can  acquire  the  art  by  a  little  ob- 
servation and  practice. 
A  knife  should  seldom  be  used  for  pies,  en 


144  GOOD    MANNERS. 

tr6es,  or  sweet  dishes.  As  a  rule,  indeed,  you 
must  use  a  spoon  whenever  it  is  possible. 

In  helping  soup,  you  give  half  a  ladleful  to 
each  person. 

In  helping  to  choice  dishes,  stuffing,  &c.,  the 
carver  should  always  calculate  the  number  of 
the  company  and  proportion  the  delicacies  dis- 
creetly. 

The  fairest  mode  of  cutting  a  ham,  so  as  to 
cut  both  fat  and  lean  evenly,  is  to  begin  at  a 
hole  in  the  centre  of  the  thickest  part,  and  cut 
from  it  in  thin  circular  slices. 

Be  careful  alwavs  to  cut  straight  to.  the  bone, 

•/  O 

by  which  method  you  never  spoil  the  joint,  and 
are  yet  enabled  to  help  many  persons  with  but 
little  meat.  What  remains  also  looks  well  and 
is  good  to  eat. 

A  leg  of  mutton  should  be  sliced  lightly,  so 
as  not  to  press  out  the  pieces  and  serve  dry 
meat.  Cut  first  in  the  middle  as  the  most  juicy 
part,  cut  to  the  bone,  and  thin  slices.  Currant 
jelly  should  always  be  served  with  mutton. 

In  carving  a  roast  sirloin  of  beef,  you  may 
begin  at  either  side.  The  outside  should  be 
sliced  down  to  the  bone,  while  the  inside  or  ten- 
derloin part  should  be  sliced  thin,  lengthwise, 
and  a  little  of  the  soft  rat  given  with  each  piece. 
You  may  ask  whether  the  outside  or  inside,  the 
rare  or  well-done,  is  preferred ;  otherwise  a 
small  piece  of  the  inside  should  be  served  with 


HINTS    ON    CARVING.  145 

each  plate,  as  this  is  generally  regarded  as  the 
choicest  portion. 

A  round  of  beef  should  be  cut  in  thin,  large, 
even  slices. 

A  filled  of  veal  should  be  cut  in  the  same 
way  as  a  round  of  beef,  and  served  with  each 
slice  some  of  the  stuffing  and  a  little  of  the  fat. 
Frequently  the  brown  parts  or  outside  are  pre- 
ferred to  the  inner  cuts,  and  the  inquiry  should 
be  made. 

When  carving  a  forequarter  of  lamb,  separate 
the  shoulder  from  the  breast  and  ribs,  by  pass- 
ing the  knife  under  and  through  it;  then  sepa- 
rate the  gristly  part  from  the  ribs,  and  help  from 
that,  or  the  ribs,  as  may  be  chosen. 

A  haunch  of  mutton  is  the  leg  and  apart  of 
the  fat  of  the  loin,  and  the  lean  of  the  leg.  Cut 
each  part  directly  down  through  in  slices,  about 
a  quarter  of  an  inch  thick. 

A  saddle  of  mutton  should  be  cut  in  thin 
slices  from  tail  to  end,  beginning  close  to  the 
back-bone ;  help  some  fat  from,  the  sides. 

A  rcast  pig  should  be  cut  in  two  before  it  is 
sent  to  the  table.  Begin  to  carve  by  separating 
the  shoulders  from  one  side,  then  divide  the 
ribs.  The  joints  may  be  divided,  or  pieces  cut 
from  them.  The  ribs  are  considered  the  finest 
part,  though  some  prefer  the  neck  end. 

When  carving  a  goose,  cut  off  the  apron,  or 
the  part  directly  under  the  neck,  and  outside  of 


146  GOOD    MANNERS. 

the  merry- thought.  Then  turn  the  neck  tc  wards 
you,  and  cut  the  breast  in  slices.  Take  off  the 
leg  by  putting  the  fork  into  the  small  end  of  the 
bone,  pressing  it  to  the  body,  at  the  same  time 
passing  the  knife  into  and  through  the  joint. 
Take  off  the  wing  by  putting  the  fork  into  the 
small  end  of  the  pinion,  and  pressing  it  close 
to  the  body  while  the  knife  is  dividing  the  joint. 
The  wing  side-bones,  and  also  the  back  and 
lower  side-bones,  should  then  be  cut  off.  The 
best  pieces  are  the  breast  and  thighs. 

Chickens  and  turkeys  are  carved,  by  first  de- 
taching the  legs  from  the  body.  Next,  take  off 
the  wings,  by  dividing  the  joint  with  the  knife 
then  lift  up  the  pinion  with  your  fork,  and  draw 
the  wing  towards  the  leg,  and  the  muscles  will 
separate  in  a  better  form  than  if  cut  Now  cut 
the  breast  into  thin  slices.  Then  remove  the 
merry-thought  from  the  neck-bones,  and  divide 
the  breast-bone  from  the  carcase  by  laying  it 
first  on  one  side  and  then  on  the  other,  each  time 
cutting  through  the  tender  ribs.  Then  lay  the 
back  upwards,  and  cut  it  across  half-way  between 
the  neck  and  the  rump.  Then  insert  the  point 
of  the  knife  between  the  back-bone  and  the  side- 
bone  and  cut  them  off.  The  breast,  the  wings, 
the  side-hones,  or  the  thighs  are  considered  the 
choicest  parts.  A  skilful  carver  will  insert  his 
fork  in  the  breast-bone  of  poultry  and  not  remove 
it  till  the  whole  bird  is  nearly  dissected. 


HINTS    ON    CARVING.  147 

Larks,  quails,  plovers,  and  all  small  game 
birds  should  be  always  cut  through  the  breast 
from  the  back  to  the  tail,  and  served  in  two 
helpings. 

The  shoulder  of  a  rabbit  is  very  delicate,  and 
the  brains  are  considered  choice. 

In  helping  roast  pheasant  or  chicken,  add 
some  of  the  cresses  with  which  it  is  garnished. 

Never  pour  gravy  over  white  meats,  as  these 
should  retain  their  color. 

Do  not  pour  sauce  over  meat  or  vegetables,  but 
a  little  on  one  side. 

Before  cutting  up  a  wild-duck,  pour  over  a 
few  spoonfuls  of  sauce,  compound  of  port  wine 
or  claret,  lemon  juice,  salt,  and  cayenne  pepper, 
or  help  with  currant  jelly. 

The  most  delicate  parts  of  a  calf's  head  are 
the  bits  under  the  ears,  neck,  and  eyes,  and  the 
side  next  the  cheek. 

The  upper  part  of  a  roast  sirloin  of  beef 
should  be  carved  lengthwise,  and  never  across. 

The  best  helping  in  a  large  salmon  is  a  thick 
piece  from  the  middle. 

Grouse  is  carved  like  chicken,  but  the  back  is 
considered  the  iiiOst  delicate. 

Partridges  may  be  cut  up  like  chickens,  if  the 
supply  of  game  be  limited;  but  otherwise  are 
better  divided,  like  small  birdvS. 

Of   roasted  chicken,   the   breast  i,s   the  best 


H8  GOOD    MANNERS. 

part ;  of  boiled  chicken,  the  leg  is  considered 
choice. 

A  good  carver  will  remember  that  the  follow 
ing  are  esteemed  delicacies  : — 

The  sounds  of  cod-fish. 

The  fat  of  salmon. 

The  fat  of  venison. 

Kidneys  of  lamb  and  veal. 

The  long  cuts  and  the  gravy  from  the  Balder- 
man's  walls"  of  a  haunch  of  venison. 

The  pope's  eye  in  a  leg  of  mutton. 

The  oyster  cut  of  a  shoulder  of  mutton. 

The  ribs  and  neck  of  a  pig. 

Breast   and   thighs   (without   drumstick)   of 
turkey  and  goose. 

The  legs  and  breast  of  a  duck. 

The  wings,  breast,  and  back  of  game. 


CHAPTER  XV. 


Travelling. 

are  many  little  courtesies  a  gentleman 
may  offer  to  a  lady  when  travelling,  even 
if  she  is  an  entire  stranger,  and  by  an  air  of 
respectful  deference,  he  may  place  her  entirely 
at  ease. 

If  a  lady  is  placed  under  a  gentleman's  care 
for  a  journey,  she  will  probably  meet  him  at  the 
depot  5  but  if  an  old  acquaintance,  you  should 
offer  to  call  for  her  at  her  residence.  Take  a 
hack,  and  call,  leaving  ample  time  for  her  to  say 
her  last  words  of  farewell.  A  lady  should  offer 
her  escort  a  sum  of  money  from  which  to  defray 
her  expenses,  at  starting,  and  the  gentleman 
should  accept  it  without  the  slightest  hesitation  ; 
this  mode  is  preferable  for  several  reasons.  Or 
she  can  always  hand  the  gentleman  her  fare 
when  he  is  paying  for  his  own  ;  or  what  per- 
haps is  better,  let  him  keep  an  account  of  the 
day's  or  the  journey's  expenses,  and  settle  with 
each  other  at  the  end. 

Select  for  your  companion  the  pleasantest 
Beat,  then  attend  to  the  baggage  and  have  it 

(149) 


150 


GOOD    MANNERS. 


properly  checked.  Before  starting,  place  her 
shawls,  bag,  &c.,  in  convenient  reach,  arrange 
the  windows  or  shades  to  her  liking,  and  see 

C* ' 

that  she  starts  comfortably  fixed  ;  and  be  at  all 
times  ready  to  wait  on  her. 

When  arriving  at  the  hotel,  escort  her  to  the 
parlor,  and  leave  her  there  while  you  engage 
rooms.  When  the  waiter  is  ready  to  show  her 
to  her  room  escort  her  thither  and  leave  her  at 
her  door.  Ask  her  at  what  hour  she  wishes  to 
take  the  next  meal,  and  promptly  meet  her  in 
the  parlor  at  that  time,  and  accompany  her  to 
the  table. 

If  you  remain  in  the  city  where  her  journey 
terminates,  you  should  call  upon  her  the  day 
after  her  arrival.  It  is  then  at  her  option 
whether  she  is  "at  home"  to  you  or  not,  and 
whether  she  cares  to  continue  the  acquaintance. 

When  travelling,  any  little  attention  to  a  lady 
who  is  unattended,  is  always  allowable,  pro- 
vided it  is  done  with  great  courtesy,  and  you  are 
not  too  attentive  so  as  to  become  officious. 

If  travelling  in  a  foreign  country,  endeavor  to 
acquire  the  languages  before  you  go,  and  ac- 
custom yourself  to  the  customs  of  the  natives, 
and  as  far  as  you  can,  without  violation  of  prin- 
ciple, follow  them. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

Etiquette  in  Church. 

JF  you  visit  other  churches  than  your  own, 
do  not  sneer  or  scoff  at  any  of  their  forms, 
but  follow  the  service  as  closely  as  you  can. 

To  remove  your  hat,  if  a  gentleman,  upon 
entering  church,  is  a  sign  of  respect  never  to  be 
omitted.  Follow  the  customs  of  those  around 
you. 

A  gentleman  should  pass  up  the  aisle  with 
the  lady  until  he  reaches  the  pew  to  be  occu- 
pied, when  he  steps  before  her,  opens  the  door, 
holds  it  open  while  she  enters,  and  follows  her, 
closing  the  door  after  him. 

If  you  are  visiting  a  strange  church,  request 
the  sexton  to  give  you  a  seat.  Never  enter  a 
pew  uninvited.  If  you  are  in  your  own  pew  in 
church,  and  see  strangers  looking  for  a  place, 
open  your  pew  door,  and  by  a  motion  invite 
them  to  enter. 

A  gentleman  or  lady  may  offer  a  fan  or  book 
to  a  stranger  near,  if  they  are  unprovided, 
whether  thev  be  young  or  old,  lady  or  gentleman. 
11  (151) 


152  GOOD    MANNERS. 

If  you  visit  a  church  to  see  the  pictures  or 
monuments  and  not  for  worship,  choose  the 
hours  when  there  is  no  service  being  read. 
Speak  low,  walk  slowly,  and  keep  an  air  of  quiet 
respect  in  the  edifice. 

Hanging  around  church-doors  and  staring  at 
the  ladies,  making  remarks,  is  very  ill-bred.  If 
you  are  waiting  to  join  any  one.  remain  unob- 
trusive until  they  make  their  appearance,  and 
then  quietly  join  them. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

Places  of  Amusement. 

JF  a  gentleman  invites  a  lady  to  accompany 
him  to  a  theatre,  opera,  or  public  place  of 
amusement,  he   must    send   the  invitation  the 
day  previous,  and  write  it  in  the  third  person. 

If  the  lady  accepts  the  invitation,  he  should 
take  care  to  secure  good  seats,  otherwise  it 
would  be  a  poor  compliment  to  invite  her  and 
place  her  where  she  can  neither  see  nor  hear  well. 

Although,  when  alone,  a  gentleman  will  act 
a  courteous  part  in  giving  his  seat  to  a  strange 
lady,  who  is  standing,  in  a  crowded  concert- 
room,  he  should  not  do  so,  when  acting  as  the 
escort  of  a  lady.  By  giving  up  your  place  be- 
side her,  you  may  place  a  lady  next  her,  whom 
she  will  find  an  unpleasant  companion,  and  you 
are  yourself  separated  from  her,  when  the  con- 
versation between  the  acts  makes  one  of  the 
greatest  pleasures  of  an  evening  spent  in  this 
way.  In  case  of  accident,  too,  he  deprives  her 
of  his  protection,  and  gives  her  the  appearance 
of  having  come  alone.  Your  first  duty  is  to 
that  ladv  before  all  others. 

(153) 


154  GOOD    MANNERS. 

When  you  are  with  a  lady  at  a  place  of  amuse- 
ment, you  must  not  leave  your  seat  until  you 
rise  to  escort  her  home.  If  at  the  opera,  you 
may  invite  her  to  promenade  between  the  acts, 
but  if  she  declines,  do  you  too  remain  in  your 
seat. 

Any  lover-like  airs  or  attitudes,  although  you 
may  have  the  right  to  assume  them,  are  in  bad 
taste  in  public. 

If  the  evening  you  have  appointed  be  a 
stormy  one,  you  must  call  for  your  companion 
with  a  carriage,  and  this  is  the  more  elegant 
way  of  taking  her  even  if  the  weather  does  not 
make  it  absolutely  necessary.  Though  amongst 
intimate  friends  the  passenger  cars  are  quite 
allowable. 

When  you  are  entering  a  concert-room,  or  the 
box  of  a  theatre,  walk  before  your  companion 
up  the  aisle,  until  you  reach  the  seats  you  have 
secured,  then  turn,  offer  your  hand  to  her,  and 
place  her  in  the  inner  seat,  taking  the  outside 
one  yourself;  in  going  out,  if  the  aisle  is  too 
narrow  to  walk  two  abreast,  you  again  precede 
your  companion  until  you  reach  the  lobby, 
where  you  turn  and  offer  your  arm. 

Let  all  your  conversation  be  in  a  low  tone, 
not  whispered:  loud  talking,  laughter,  or  mis 
timed   or  noisy  applause,  are  all  in  very  bad 
taste  ;  for  if  you  do  not  wish  to  pay  strict  atten- 


PLACES    OF   AMUSEMENT.  155 

tion  to  the  performance,  those  around  you  pro- 
bably do. 

Secure  your  programme,  libretto,  or  concert 
bill,  before  taking  your  seat,  as  you  may  find  it 
on  your  return  occupied  by  another  whom  it 
would  be  difficult  or  unpleasant  to  dislodge 
from  it. 

In  a  crowd,  do  not  push  forward  regardless 
of  others,  but  protect  your  companion  and  take 
your  turn. 

If  your  seats  are  secured,  call  in  time  for 
your  companion,  so  as  to  be  seated  some  minutes 
before  the  performance  commences  5  but  if  your 
seats  are  not  secured,  it  is  best  to  go  early. 

At  an  exhibition  of  fine  arts,  you  may  con- 
verse in  a  low  tone,  but  do  not  gesticulate  or 
criticise  in  a  loudr  authoritative  manner.  Nor 
remain  too  long  in  one  position  to  the  exclusion 
of  others  who  may  want  to  see  that  particular 
piece. 

Be  careful,  unless  particularly  urged,  how  you 
attach  yourself  to  any  other  party  you  may 
meet  at  such  places. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

The  Arrangement  of  a  Lady's  House,  and  the 
Management  of  Servants. 

THE  first  point  necessary  to  consider  in  the 
arrangement  and  orderiir  of  a  lady's  house- 
hold, is  that  everything  should  be  on  a  scale 
exactly  proportionate  to  her  husband's  income. 
Elegance  and  refinement  are  great  accessories 
to  the  enjoyment  of  life ;  good  taste  is  a  luxury 
which  we  can  hardly  overestimate  ;  but  nothing 
will  prove  a  recompense  for  the  hundred  and 
one  vexations  and  anxieties  induced  by  habits 
of  thoughtless  extravagance. 

We  have  called  good  taste  a  luxury,  and  so  it 
is ;  though,  like  many  other  luxuries,  it  may  be 
obtained  at  a  moderate  expense.  No  matter 
how  modest  the  scale  of  a  lady's  manage,  how 
simple  her  hospitalities,  how  inexpensive  her 
toilettes,  the  real  gentlewoman  proclaims  her- 
self as  readily  in  a  cottage  as  in  a  palace.  The 
first  essential  of  refinement  in  life  and  manner 
is  a  total  absence  of  pretension. 

A  true  gentleman  or  lady  is  necessarily  free 
from  every  kind  of  pretence.  Of  the  untruth- 

1156) 


ARRANGEMENT  OP  A  LADY'S  HOUSE.    157 

fulness  of  pretence,  of  the  vulgarity  of  pre- 
tence, Thackeray,  in  his  immortal  "  Book  of 
Snobs,"  has  said  all  that  can  be  said  in  bitter 
reproval.  He  has,  in  fact,  so  exhausted  the 
subject,  that  none  who  may  now  attempt  to 
touch  upon  it  need  hope  to  do  more  than  para- 
phrase or  quote  him.  And  a  finer  book  upon 
manners  and  morals  it  would  be  difficult  to  dis- 
cover. 

To  affect  a  better  family  connexion,  a  larger 
income,  a  more  lavish  expenditure,  than  is 
really  ours ;  to  be  in  any  sense  "shabby-gen- 
teel 5"  to  live  beyond  one's  means ;  to  run  in 
debt ;  to  pay  shabby  prices  for  shabby  luxuries 
— is  to  lose  alike  in  peace,  in  self-respect,  and  in 
the  estimation  of  others.  Let  all  young  house- 
keepers, then,  begin  life  by  a  resolute  abnega- 
tion of  shams.  As  wealth  increases,  so  may 
expenditure  also  be  increased. 

To  do  as  other  people  do  is  the  ambition  of 
snobs.  Do  we  not  all  know  persons  who  ha- 
bitually sacrifice  themselves,  their  dignity,  and 
their  peace  of  mind  to  this  one  futile  en- 
deavor ? 

"  Veracity  first  of  all  and  for  ever,"  as  Emer- 
son says  ;  "  and  all  the  rest  will  be  easy."  Build 
your  plan  of  life  upon  a  superstructure  of  sin- 
cerity, and  then  give  your  mind  to  elegance  and 
refinement.  As  wealth  does  not  always  pre- 
suppose good  taste,  so  moderate  means  need  not 


158  GOOD   MANNERS. 

presuppose  vulgarity.  It  is  pleasant  to  possess 
jewelsr  but  let  no  admiration  for  diamonds  in- 
duce us  to  wear  paste.  A  lady  will  therefore 
concern  herself  less  about  the  size  and  splen- 
dor of  her  house,  than  the  harmony  of  its 
colors,  and  the  good  taste  of  its  decoration.  The 
rooms  will  be  furnished  with  perfect  adaptation 
to  comfort,  with  a  careful  avoidance  of  glaring 
colors,  without  any  undue  profusion  of  orna- 
ments,, and  without  any  ostentation  of  uphol- 
stery. If  there  are  pictures  and  other  works 
of  artr  they  must  be  good.  No  house,  however 
modestr  should  be  without  something  like  a 
library.  A  house  without  books  is  a  house 
without  a  soul.  Flowers  and  ferns  may  be  had 
at  a  trifling  cost,,  and  are  the  loveliest  of  orna- 
ments, especially  in  cities  and  towns. 

Reception  rooms  should  never  be  overcrowded 
with  furniture.  Suite  tables  covered  with  little 
shepherdesses  in  Dresden  china,  and  little 
chalets  carved  in  wood,  are  a  delusion  and  a 
snare.  All  bric-a-brac  should  be  kept  in  ca- 
binets with  glass  doors.  Mirrors  should  be 
numerous,  and  of  the  best  quality ;  frames  and 
cornices  of  studied  simplicity  of  design. 

The  painting  and  papering  of  the  walls  is  a 
most  important  subject,  and  should  be  carried 
out  in  strict  harmony  with  the  colors  and 
character  of  the  furniture.  It  is,  perhaps, 
superfluous  to  say  that  geometrical  patterns  are, 


ARRANGEMENT  G?  A  LADY'S  HOUSE.  159 

of  all  others,  the  most  reprehensible;  and,  in- 
deed, inflict  positive  torture  upon  the  eyes  of 
very  sensitive  people.  The  colors  of  walls 
should  be  always  sober.  Carpets  may  be  as 
rich  in  color  as  you  please ;  but  the  patterns 
must  be  small,  and  the  hues  harmoniously 
blended. 

Elaving  engaged  servants  who  thoroughly 
understand  their  business,  we  should  leave  them 
to  do  it  without  undue  interference.  No  good 
servant  will  stay  with  a  petulant,  fault-finding, 
suspicious  mistress ;  and  no  good  servant  will 
stay  in  a  place  where  he  has  more  work  to  do 
than  he  can  get  through  with  credit  to  himself. 
Ill-paid  work  will  of  necessity  be  ill-done,  as 
forced  work  is  only  undertaken  by  the  incom- 
petent. Nothing  so  entirely  vulgarizes  a  house- 
hold as  a  tone  of  hostility  between  servants  and 
employers.  A  lady  will  make  it  her  first 
study  to  obtain  a  staff  of  the  best  servants  she 
can  get,  and  will  then  remember  that,  after  all, 
they  are  not  angels,  but  human  beings,  liable  to 
the  same  errors,  temptations,  and  passions  as 
their  employers.  She  will  endeavor  to  correct 
their  faults,  and  not  to  aggravate  them  ;  above 
all,  she  will  treat  them,  and  encourage  her 
children  to  treat  them,  with  uniform  kindness 
and  civility,  remembering  that  service  is  a  rela- 
tionship of  employer  and  employed,  and  not  of 
master  and  slave.  One  can  never  overestimate 


160  GOOD    MANNERS. 

the  effect  of  sympathy  in  dealing  with  a  clas% 
of  inferior  rank  to  our  own.  It  is  not  enough 
to  be  just  and  liberal  to  one's  servants;  one 
should  also  be  sympathetic.  A  little  kindly 
interest  in  their  circumstances  and  general  well- 
being  is  sure  to  bring  its  own  reward.  It  is 
well,  also,  to  supply  our  servants  occasionally 
with  good  books,  and  to  encourage  them  to 
spend  their  holidays  at  places  of  wholesome  and 
instructive  amusement.  A  taste  for  reading 
when  it  is  well  directed  will  prove  a  sure  anti- 
dote against  bickering  and  gossip  in  the  kitchen. 
Punctuality  is  as  necessary  to  the  comfort  of 
a  house,  as  punctuation  is  necessary  to  the 
lucidity  of  a  sentence.  If  it  is  allowable  to 
have  any  unpunctual  meals,  it  must  be  only  the 
least  important  ones,  such  as  afternoon  tea,  &c. 
Breakfast  should  always  be  in  readiness  to  the 
moment;  and  the  dinner-bell  be  as  certain  as 
the  church-bell  on  Sunday.  The  health  of  the 
whole  family  depends  as  much  on  the  regularity 
as  the  quality  of  the  meals.  Bad  food,  ill- 
cooked  food,  monotonous  food,  insufficient  food, 
injure  the  physique,  and  ruin  the  temper.  No 
lady  should  turn  to  the  more  tempting  occupa- 
tions or  amusements  of  the  day  till  she  has 
gone  into  every  detail  of  the  family  commis- 
sariat, and  assured  herself  that  it  is  as  good  as 
her  purse,  her  cook,  and  the  season  can  make  it. 


ARRANGEMENT  OF  A  LADY'S  HOUSE.  161 

This  duty  done,  she  may  dismiss  the  matter  with 
a  clear  conscience. 

The  question  of  housekeeping  involves  the 
question  of  accounts. 

Most  ladies  hold  accounts  in  abhorrence ;  but 
account-keeping  is  easy  enough  if  the  habit  of 
keeping  daily  entries,  and  weekly  casting  up 
one's  household  bills,  be  strictly  adhered  to.  It 
is  only  when  accounts  are  suffered  to  run  on 
and  accumulate  that  they  become  very  difficult. 
It  is  the  first  neglected  knot  that  occasions  the 
hopeless  tangle  of  the  skein. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

Wine  at  Table. 

A  LMOST  every  gentleman  has  wine  at  his 
I\.  table  whenever  he  has  invited  guests,  as 
it  is  considered  an  indispensable  part  of  a  good 
dinner,  to  which  gentlemen  have  been  formally 
invited.  Even  if  you  are  a  total  abstinence 
man,  no  real  gentleman  would  compel  his  guests 
to  be  so  against  their  wish. 

If  there  is  a  gentleman  at  the  table  who  is 
known  to  be  a  total  abstinence  man,  you  should 
respect  his  scruples,  and  not  urge  him  to  drink. 
If  he  is  a  gentleman,  he  will  avoid  calling  at- 
tention to  it  himself,  and  suffer  his  glass  to  be 
filled  at  the  first  passage  of  the  wine,  and  raising 
it  to  his  lips,  will  bow  his  respects  with  the  rest 
of  the  guests,  and  after  that  will  allow  his  glass 
to  remain  untouched.  If  it  is  a  small  party 
and  he  is  intimate  with  his  host,  he  may  decline 
to  have  his  glass  filled  at  all,  without  any  im 
propriety. 

It  is  not  now  the  custom  to  ask  a  lady  across 
the  table  to  take  wine  with  you.  It  is  expected 
that  every  lady  will  be  properly  helped  to  wine 

(162) 


WINE    AT    TABLE.  163 

by  the  gentleman  who  takes  her  to  the  table,  or 
who  sits  next  to  her.  Do  not  offer  to  help  a  lady 
to  wine  until  you  see  she  has  finished  her  soup 
or  fish. 

It  is  considered  polite  to  take  the  same  wine 
as  that  selected  by  the  person  with  whom  you 
drink.  But  it  is  allowable  to  take  that  which 
you  prefer,  at  the  same  time  asking  the  permis- 
sion to  do  so. 

In  inviting  a  gentleman  to  take  wine  with  you 
at  table,  you  should  politely  say,  u  Shall  I  have 
the  pleasure  of  a  glass  of  wine  with  you?"  You 
will  then  either  hand  him  the  bottle  you  have 
selected  or  send  it  by  the  waiter,  and  after- 
wards fill  your  own  glass,  when  you  will  politely 
and  silently  bow  to  each  other,  as  you  raise  the 
wine  to  your  lips. 

On  taking  the  first  glass  of  wine  it  is  cus- 
tomary for  a  gentleman  to  bow  to  the  lady  of 
the  house. 

It  is  not  customary  to  propose  toasts  or  to 
drink  deep  at  a  gentleman's  family  table. 

At  dinner  parties  which  are  given  to  gentle- 

C  C  '      •      TJ 

men,  tor  the  purpose  or  conviviality,  one  may 
indulge  in  as  much  wine  as  he  can  properly 
carry,  but  not  more  than  inside  the  limits  of 
propriety.  Where  drinking,  toasts,  and  songs 
are  the  order  of  the  feast,  as  at  a  public  dinner, 
far  greater  latitude  is  allowed  than  on  more 
private  or  select  occasions.  It  is,  1  owever,  the 


164  GOOD    MANNERS. 

first  care  of  a  well-bred  man  never  to  drink  be- 
yond his  self-control  at  table,  where  the  com- 
fort of  the  whole  party  is  so  much  dependent 
upon  the  propriety  of  every  one  present.  But, 
whenever  a  gentleman  has  the  misfortune  to 
forget  himself,  every  other  gentleman  will  do  all 
in  his  power  to  make  the  best  of  the  accident. 

Do  not  praise  bad  wine,  for  it  will  persuade 
those  who  are  judges  that  you  are  an  ignoramus 
or  a  flatterer.  At  the  same  time,  avoid  noticing 
that  it  is  bad,  unless  the  host  calls  attention  to 
it  himself. 

As  wine  is  a  very  common  subject  of  disc-is- 
sion  at  table,  it  is  quite  necessary  that  every 
gentlemen  should  be  able  to  converse  under- 
standingly  upon  the  character  and  quality  of  the 
various  wines  in  use.  It  is  very  embarrassing 
to  be  called  upon  for  an  opinion  and  not  be 
able  to  give  one ;  and  it  is  still  worse  to  betray 
one's  ignorance  on  the  subject  of  conversation. 
Besides,  ignorance  of  the  history  and  quality 
of  wines  may  impress  gentlemen  with  the  idea 
that  you  have  not  been  much  in  good  company. 
We  append  some  few  hints  on  the  different 
wines. 

THE  AGE  OF  WINES.  It  is  an  error  that  ex- 
tensively prevails,  to  suppose  that  great  age  ia 
necessary  to  the  goodness  of  wine.  The  quality 
of  the  vintage  has  more  to  do  with  the  excel- 
lence of  the  wine  than  the  number  of  years  it 


WINE    AT    TABLE.  1G5 

has  been  kept.  Port  wine,  of  a  good  vintage, 
is  best  when  not  more  than  ten  years  old. 
Hocks  and  clarets,  indeed,  will  not  keep  till 
old.  Champagne  is  best  at  from  three  to  five 
years  old.  So  that  the  phrase  "old  wine,"  has 
no  such  wonderful  charm  for  the  well  informed. 

How  TO  KNOW  GOOD  WINE.  All  wines  made 
out  of  the  juice  of  the  grape  possess  a  peculiar 
bouquet,  or  powerful  odor,  which  is  quite  unmis- 
takeable  to  an  experienced  wine-drinker.  This 
characteristic  bouquet  depends  upon  the  pre- 
sence of  cenanthic  ether,  which  is  produced  by 
the  fermentation  of  the  juice  of  the  grape,  and  is 
therefore  relied  upon  as  one  of  the  general 
proofs  that  the  wine  is  made  of  grapes.  By 
comparing  the  bouquet  of  a  bottle  of  real  grape 
wine,  with  one  made  of  cider,  gooseberries,  or 
any  other  juice,  you  will  soon  educate  your  nose 
to  be  a  tolerable  detector  of  bad  wine. 

Immature  red  wines  are  remarkably  bright 
and  red,  in  consequence  of  the  presence  of 
phosphoric  and  other  acids,  which  are  subdued 
when  the  wine  has  obtained  a  proper  age.  In 
perfectly  ripe  wines  this  intense  brightness  is 
changed  into  a  mellow,  rich,  and  tawny  hue,  that 
is  considered  a  sign  of  maturity  in  all  red 
wines.  But  art  has  learned  to  counterfeit  all 
these  things,  therefore  taste  is  the  surest  guide. 

Poii'i  WINE  is  undoubtedly  "  one  of  the  most 
healthy  of  all  vinous  liquors:  it  strengthens 


166  GOOD    MANNERS. 

the  muscular  system,  assists  the  digestive 
powers,  accelerates  the  circulation,  exhilarates 
the  spirits,  and  sharpens  the  mental  energies." 
But  it  is  rarely  that  pure  port  is  ever  found  in 
this  country.  It  would  not  keep  without  an 
admixture  of  brandy.  Most  of  the  port  wine 
sold  as  such  is  either  a  cheap  French  wine,  or  a 
poisonous  compound  of  drugs  and  color.  When 
real  port  loses  its  stringency,  and  acquires  a 
slightly  acid  taste,  it  is  unwholesome,  and  is 
unfit  for  use. 

CHAMPAGNE.  The  Faculty  of  Paris  in  1778 
pronounced  champagne  to  be  the  finest  and 
healthiest  of  all  wines  ;  and,  except  in  cases  of 
weak  digestion,  is,  if  pure,  one  of  the  safest 
wines  that  can  be  drank.  It  is  the  king  of  wines 
at  the  convivial  board  in  this  country — so  much 
so,  that  when  a  u  bottle"  of  wine  is  proposed,  it 
is  understood  to  be  champagne,  unless  some 
other  is  expressly  mentioned.  '"  Its  intoxicating 
effects  are  rapid,  but  exceedingly  transient,  and 
depend  partly  upon  the  carbonic  acid,  which  is 
evolved  from  it,  and  partly  upon  the  alcohol, 
which  is  suspended  in  this  gas,  being  rapidly 
and  extensively  applied  to  a  large  surface  of  the 
stomach/'  The  idea  that  champagne  produces 
gout  is  erroneous,  though  it  is  to  be  avoided 
where  that  disease  already  exists. 

It  is  a  mistaken  idea  that  champagne  must  be 
swallowed  as  soon  as  possible  after  it  is  un- 


WINE   AT    TABLE.  167 

corked.  If  it  is  real  arid  good  champagne  it 
improves  by  letting  it  stand  a  little,  as  after  the 
gas  has  partly  escaped  it  will  entirely  retain  the 
flavor  and  body  of  the  wine,  which  is,  to  some 
extent,  concealed  by  its  effervescence.  This  is 
the  best  test  of  good  champagne. 

BURGUNDY  is  stronger  than  claret,  possesses 
a  powerful  aroma,  and  a  delicious  and  lasting 
flavor,  when  pure  ;  of  which  we  get  but  little  in 
this  country. 

CLARET  comes  chiefly  from  Bordeaux  and 
from  the  neighboring  districts  of  Medoc.  The 
pure  Bordeaux  is  a  safe  wine,  light,  agreeable, 
gently  exhilarating,  and  an  excellent  quencher 
of  thirst.  The  best  brands  are  the  St.  Julien, 
La  Rose,  and  Bouillac,  the  lightest,  most  palat- 
able and  aromatic  of  the  clarets.  The  Chateaux- 
Margau  is  a  delicious  claret,  which  has  the  per- 
fume of  the  violet,  and  possesses  a  rich  ruby 
color.  The  Haut  Brion  has  a  powerful  bouquet, 
resembling  a  mixture  of  violets  and  raspber- 
ries ;  as  have  also  La  Tour  and  Lafitte. 

GFRMAN  WINES.  Hock  wines  or  Rhine  wines, 
such  as  the  Johannisberg  and  the  Steinberg, 
are  of  delicious  flavor  and  exquisite  bouquet, 
and  great  favorites  in  warm  weather.  The 
Rudesheim,  Markobrunner,  Rothenberg,  and 
Hockheim  which  grows  on  the  banks  of  the 
Main,  are  among  the  best  of  the  second  class 
of  Rhine  wines. 
12 


168  GOOD    MANNERS. 

The  delicately  flavored  Moselles  are  the  favor- 
ite wines  with  the  Germans.  Grunhauser  and 
Scharrberger  are  called  *'  the  Nectar  of  the 
Moselle." 

SHERRY,  of  due  age  and  in  good  condition,  ia 
a  fine,  perfect,  and  wholesome  wine-,  free  from 
excess  of  acid,  and  possessing  a  dry,  aromatic 
flavor  and  fragrance  ;  but,  as  produced  in  ordi- 
nary market,  it  is  of  fluctuating  and  anomalous 
quality,  often  destitute  of  all  aroma,  and  tast- 
ing of  little  else  than  alcohol  and  water. 

The  best  sherries  are  the  pale  and  light  golden 
wines,  made  of  the  Xeres  grape ;  the  delicate 
hue  of  which  is  frequently  imitated  by  art,  in 
a  much  inferior  article.  The  finest  is  the  Amon- 
tillado, a  pure  article  of  which  is  seldom  seen 
in  this  country. 

MADEIRA,  of  u  the  South  Side,"  is  a  delightful 
wine,  but  a  pure  article  is  rare  in  this  country, 
but  little  having  been  made  of  late  years,  owing 
to  the  disease  which  has  attacked  the  vines  on 
the  island. 

AMERICAN  WINES  are  gradually  achieving  a 
high  reputation,  even  in  Europe  ;  they  are  quite 
equal  to  the  best  imported  wines,  and  are  gene- 
rally much  cheaper.  A  recent  English  author 
says  "  In  comparing  these  wines  with  those  of 
Europe,  we  must  bear  in  mind  that  they  are 
distinct  in  flavor  from  any  or  all  of  them.  It  is 
their  peculiarity  that  no  spurious  compound  can 


WINE    AT    TABLE.  169 

be  made  to  imitate  them,  .and   in    purity  and 
delicacy  there  is  no  known  wine  to  equal  them/' 

Our  still  Catawba  has  the  lowest  percentage 
of  alcohol  of  any  wine  in  the  world.  The  most 
expensive  wine  in  Europe,  Tokay,  has  9.8b  per 
cent,  of  spirit,  while  our  Catawba  has  only 
9.50. 

The  best  champagne  made  in  the  Unite .1 
States  is  Werke's  sparkling  Isabella,  unless  It 
is  equalled  by  the  sparkling  wine  of  Missouri. 
Werke's  sparkling  Catawba,  not  so  delicate  in 
flavor  as  his  Isabella,  is  prefered  by  lovers  of 
champagne  to  that  of  Longworth.  The  El  Paso 
and  Mustang  wines  of  Texas  are  very  tine ; 
the  Mustang  grape  yielding  a  wine  hardly 
distinguishable  from  the  best  port. 

How  TO  USE  WINE.  The  Romans  had  a  prac- 
tice of  eating  cheese  to  bring  out  the  Havor  of 
their  wine,  a  custom  which  prevails  at  the  pre- 
sent time  with  us.  Wine-drinkers  vary  their 
choice  of  wines  to  suit  the  seasons ;  selecting 
such  light  wines  for  summer,  as  Hock,  Claret, 
Burgundy,  Rhinish,  and  Hermitage  •,  and  for 
winter  those  of  more  body  and  strength,  as  Port, 
Sherry,  and  Madeira.  While  others  carry  it 
still  further,  and  use  only  white  wine  with 
white  meats,  and  red  wine  with  brown  meats ; 
light  wines  with  light  dishes,  and  stronger 
wines  with  more  substantial  food.  Red  wines 
usually  open  the  repast,  after  which  the  exhila 


170  GOOD    MANNERS. 

rating  champagne  keeps  up  the  good  temper  of 
the  guests,  perhaps  followed  by  sherry,  or  even 
brandy  and  water.  But  for  a  quiet,  enjoyable 
repast  it  is  usual  to  open  the  dinner  with  claret, 
followed  by  champagne,  and  close  with  a  cup 
of  strong  coffee. 

Wine-coolers  are  indispensable  in  hot  weather, 
as  the  practice  of  putting  ice  into  the  glass  with 
the  wine  is  sure  to  destroy  the  fine  aroma  and 
delicious  taste  of  the  choicest  wines.  Claret 
which  is  kept  in  a  cellar,  needs  no  cooling;  and 
in  winter,  wine-drinkers  usually  place  it  near  the 
fire  before  uncorking,  as  a  moderate  degree  of 
warmth  improves  the  soft  and  delicious  flavor 
which  is  the  chief  merit  of  this  wine.  Cham- 
pagne, in  summer,  needs  cooling,  to  improve  its 
sparkling  flavor. 


CHAPTER   XX. 

General  Hints  to  both  Sexes. 

ALL  egotism  must  be  banished  froa.  the 
drawing-room.  The  person  who  mjJv^is  his 
family,  his  wealth,  his  affairs,  or  his  hobbc\  the 
topic  of  conversation,  is  not  only  a  bore,  bat  a 
violator  of  charity  and  good  taste.  We  meet  in 
society,  not  to  make  a  display  of  ourselves,  but 
to  give  and  take  as  much  rational  entertainment 
as  our  own  accomplishments  and  those  of  others 
can  afford.  He  who  engrosses  the  conversation 
is  as  unpardonably  selfish,  as  he  who  allows  his 
neighbor  no  elbow-room. 

The  drawing-room  is  not  a  monarchy  but  a 
republic,  where  the  rights  of  all  are  equal. 
Very  young  people  should  never  be  neglected. 
If  we  wish  our  sons  and  daughters  to  possess 
easy,  polished  manners,  and  fair  powers  of 
expressing  themselves,  we  should  treat  them 
politely  and  kindly,  and  lead  them  to  take  an 
interest  in  whatever  conversation  may  be  going 
on.  Neither  must  we  bring  our  gloomy  moods 
or  irritable  temper  with  us  when  we  enter  so- 
ciety. To  look  pleasant  is  a  duty  we  owe  to 
others.  One  is  bound  to  listen  with  the  appear- 

(171) 


172  GOOD    MANNERS. 

ance  of  interest  to  even  the  most  inveterate 
proser  who  fastens  upon  us  in  society  ;  to  smile 
at  a  twice-told  tale  ;  and,  in  short,  to  make  such 
minor  sacrifices  of  sincerity,  as  good  manners 
and  good  feeling  demand. 

Awkwardness  of  attitude  does  one  the  same 
ill  service  as  awkwardness  of  speech.  Lolling, 
gesticulating,  fidgetting,  and  the  -like,  give  an 
air  of  f/ finch  trie,  and,  so  to  say,  take  off  a  certain 
percentage  from  the  respect  of  others.  A  lady 
who  sits  cross-legged,  or  sideways  on  her  chair, 
who  has  a  habit  of  holding  her  chin,  or  twirling 
her  watch  chain — a  man  who  sits  across  his  chair, 
or  bites  his  nails,  or  nurses  his  leg — manifests 
an  unmistakable  want  of  good  breeding.  Both 
should  be  quiet,  easy,  and  graceful  in  their  car- 
riage 5  the  man,  of  course,  being  allowed  some- 
what more  freedom  than  the  lady. 

If  an  object  is  to  be  indicated,  you  must  move 
the  whole  hand,  or  the  head,  but  never  point 
with  the  finger. 

Coughing,  sneezing,  clearing  the  throat,  &c., 
if  done  at  all,  must  be  done  quietly.  Sniffing, 
snuffling,  expectorating,  must  never  be  per- 
formed in  society  under  any  consideration. 

The  breath  should  be  kept  sweet  and  pure  by 
refraining  from  onions  or  anything  of  equally 
strong  flavor ;  and  no  gentleman  ought  to  entei 
the  presence  of  ladies  smelling  of  tobacco. 

Physical  education  is  indispensable  to  every 


GENERAL  HINTS  TO  BOTH  SEXES.      173 

well-bred  man  and  woman.  A  gentleman  should 
not  only  know  how  to  fence,  to  box,  to  ride,  to 
shoot,  to  swim,  and  to  play  at  billiards  ;  he  must 
also  know  how  to  dance,  to  walk,  and  to  carry 
himself.  A  good  carriage  is  only  attained  by 
the  help  of  a  drilling  master,  and  boxing  must 
also  be  scientifically  taught.  The  power  to  de- 
liver a  good  scientific  blow  may  be  of  inestima- 
ble value  under  certain  extreme  circumstances; 
though  of  course  no  gentleman  would  willingly 
resort  to  so  strong  a  measure.  A  man,  however, 
may  be  attacked  by  garotters  ;  or  may  come 
upon  some  ruffian  insulting  a  woman  in  the 
streets ;  and  in  such  cases  a  blow  settles  the 
matter.  "  To  knock  a  man  down,"  it  has  been 
said,  "  is  never  good  manners,  but  there  is  a 
way  of  doing  it  gracefully."  Indignation  should 
never  be  manifested  in  words.  Defend  yourself, 
or  the  person  whose  champion  you  are,  without 
vituperation.  But  be  able  to  defend  yourself 
upon  any  occasion. 

What  fencing  and  drilling  are  to  a  man, 
dancing  and  calisthenic  exercises  are  to  a  young 
woman.  Every  lady  should  know  how  to  dance, 
whether  she  intends  to  dance  in  society  or  not ; 
and  the  better  her  physical  training,  the  more 
graceful  she  will  be.  Swimming,  skating,  arch- 
ery, riding,  and  driving,  all  help  to  strengthen 
the  muscles,  and  are  therefore  desirable.  The 


174  GOOD    MANNERS. 

subject,  indeed,  is  one  that  cannot  1  e  too  much 
insisted  upon  by  educational  reformers. 

Decorum  is  a  word  that  has  almost  fallen  into 
discredit,  and  yet  its  primitive  meaning  is  one 
we  would  do  well  to  understand.  "  Decorum," 
says  a  French  writer,  ''  is  nothing  less  than  the 
respect  of  oneself  and  of  others  brought  to  bear 
upon  every  circumstance  of  life."  In  all  our 
relations  with  our  fellow-men,  whether  social  01 
domestic,  anything  approaching  to  coarseness, 
undue  familiarity,  or  levity  of  conduct,  is  prolific 
of  evil,  especially  in  the  married  state,  where 
happiness  hinges  upon  mutual  respect.  As 
the  vestal  virgins  of  Rome  were  intrusted  with 
the  care  of  that  sacred  fire  which  was  never  to 
burn  low,  and  never  to  be  allowed  to  go  out,  so 
are  our  wives  and  mothers  charged  with  the  no 
less  sacred  worship  of  decorum.  No  amount  of 
wealth,  no  amount  of  generosity,  no  amount  of 
good  management,  can  make  a  household  re- 
spected where  the  spirit  is  wanting.  The  tone 
of  vulgarity  infects  alike  the  nursery,  the 
kitchen,  and  the  drawing-room,  and  is  carried 
with  us  like  a  contagion  wherever  we  go.  A 
woman  exercises  so  much  influence  in  her  home, 
that  the  power  of  banishing  an  evil  element 
rests  chiefly  with  the  wife,  the  mother,  or  the 
daughters  of  the  family.  If  they  are  uniformly 
refined  and  modest  in  word  and  act;  if  they 
reprove  every  approach  to  lightness  of  conduct 


GENERAL  HINTS  TO  BOTH  SEXES.     175 

or  indelicacy  of  speech ;  if  they  deprecate  all 
possible  inroads  upon  the  mutual  respect  which 
it  is  so  essential  to  maintain  between  the  mem- 
bers of  a  family  ;  they  will  assuredly  have  their 
reward  in  the  assured  peace  and  happiness  of 
their  home. 

There  are  some  minor  points  of  etiquette 
which  have  found  no  place  in  our  former  chap- 
ters, and  which  must  be  lightly  touched  upon 
in  these  concluding  pages.  With  regard,  for 
instance,  to  the  giving  of  presents  : — the  art  of 
giving  and  receiving  gifts  is  not  always  an  in- 
tuition. A  generous  person  may  unwittingly 
wound  where  he  intends  to  confer  nothing  but 
gratification.  A  grateful  person  may,  through 
sheer  want  of  tact,  seem  almost  to  deprecate  the 
liberality  of  his  friends. 

A  gift  should  always  be  precious  for  some- 
thing better  than  its  price.  It  may  have  been 
brought  by  the  giver  from  some  far  or  famous 
place  ;  it  may  be  unique  in  its  workmanship ; 
it  may  be  valuable  only  from  association  with 
some  great  man  or  strange  event.  Autographic 
papers,  foreign  curiosities,  and  the  like,  are 
elegant  gifts.  An  author  may  offer  his  book,  or 
an  artist  his  sketch,  with  grace  and  propriety. 
Offerings  of  flowers  and  game  are  unexception- 
able, and  -may  be  made  even  to  those  whose 
position  is  superior  to  that  of  the  giver. 

''Our  tokens   of  love,"  says  Emerson,  "are 


176  GOOD    MANNERS. 

for  the  most  part  barbarous,  cold,  and  lifeless, 
because  they  do  not  represent  our  life.  The 
only  gift  is  a  portion  of  thyself.  Therefore  let 
the  farmer  give  his  corn  ;  the  miner,  a  gem  ; 
the  sailor,  coral  and  shells  ;  the  painter,  his 
picture ;  and  the  poet,  his  poem." 

If  we  are  rich,  we  must  beware  how  we  give 
to  those  who  are  poor,  lest  we  hurt  their  pride. 
If  we  are  poor,  we  must  give  something  that 
our  time,  our  affection,  or  our  talents  have  made 
precious. 

Never  give  a  present  with  any  expectation  of 
a  return. 

Never  allude  to  a  present  which  you  have 
given.  Be  careful  even  to  seem  not  to  recog- 
nise it  when  you  see  it  again. 

If  you  present  a  book  to  a  friend,  do  not  write 
his  or  her  name  in  it,  unless  requested.  You 
have  no  right  to  presume  that  it  will  be  rendered 
any  the  more  valuable  for  that  addition  ;  and 
you  ought  not  to  conclude  beforehand  that  your 
gift  will  be  accepted. 

Never  undervalue  the  gift  which  you  are  your- 
self offering ;  you  have  no  business  to  offer  it  if 
is  valueless :  neither  say  that  you  do  not  want 
it  yourself,  or  that  you  should  throw  it  away  if 
it  were  not  accepted,  &c.,  &c.  Such  apologies 
would  be  insults  if  true,  and  mean  nothing  if 
false. 

Unmarried  ladies  should  not  accept  presents 


GENERAL  HINTS  TO  BOTH  SEXES.      177 

from  gentlemen  who  are  neither  related  nor  en- 
gaged to  them.  Presents  made  by  a  married 
lady  to  a  gentleman  can  only  be  offered  in  the 
joint  names  of  her  husband  and  herself. 

Married  ladies  may  occasionally  accept  pre- 
sents from  gentlemen  who  visit  frequently  at 
their  houses,  and  who  desire  to  show  their  sense 
of  the  hospitality  which  they  receive  there. 
The  presentation  of  etrennes  is  now  carried  to 
a  ruinous  and  ludicrous  height  among  French  ; 
but  it  should  be  remembered  that,  without  either 
ostentation  or  folly,  a  gift  ought  to  be  worth 
offering.  It  is  better  to  give  nothing  than  too 
little.  On  the  other  hand,  mere  costliness  does 
not  constitute  the  soul  of  a  present ;  on  the 
contrary,  it  has  the  commercial  and  unflattering 
effect  of  repayment  for  value  received. 

Never  refuse  a  present  unless  under  very  ex- 
ceptional circumstances.  However  humble  the 
giver,  and  however  poor  the  gift,  you  should 
appreciate  the  good  will  and  intention,  and  ac- 
cept it  with  kindness  and  thanks.  Never  say, 
"  1  fear  I  rob  you,"  or  'k  I  am  really  ashamed 
to  take  it,"  &c.,  &c.  Such  deprecatory  phrases 
imply  that  you  think  the  bestower  of  the  gift 
cannot  spare  or  afford  it. 

Acknowledge  the  receipt  of  a  present  without 
delay,  but  do  not  quickly  follow  it  up  by  a 
return.  It  is  to  le  taken  for  granted  that  a 
gift  is  intended  to  afford  pleasure  to  the  reci- 


178  GOOD    MANNERS. 

pient,  not  to  be  regarded  as  a  mere  question  of 
investment  or  exchange. 

A  good  memory  for  names  and  faces,  and  a 
self-possessed  manner,  are  necessary  to  all  who 
wish  to  create  a  favorable  impression  in  society. 
Except  in  very  young  people,  shyness  is  not 
only  ungraceful,  but  a  positive  injury  and  dis- 
advantage. If  we  blush,  stammer,  or  fidget  in 
the  presence  of  strangers,  they  will  assuredly 
form  a  low  estimate  of  our  breeding,  and  fail  to 
do  justice  to  our  powers  of  mind,  our  educa.- 
tion,  and  our  solid  worth.  The  only  cure  for 
chronic  shyness  is  society.  No  habit  is  so 
likely  to  grow  upon  one  as  the  habit  of  shy- 
ness, and  none  requires  to  be  more  strenuously 
combated. 

No  compliment  that  bears  insincerity  on  the 
face  of  it  is  a  compliment  at  all. 

To  yawn  in  the  presence  of  others,  to  lounge, 
to  put  your  feet  on  a  chair,  to  stand  with  your 
back  to  the  fire,  to  take  the  most  comfortable 
seat  in  the  room,  to  do  anything  which  shows 
indifference,  selfishness,  or  disrespect,  is  unequi- 
vocally vulgar  and  inadmissible. 

If  a  person  of  greater  age  or  higher  rank 
than  yourself  desires  you  to  step  first  into  a 
carriage,  or  through  a  door,  it  is  more  polite  l;o 
bow  and  obey  than  to  decline. 

Compliance  with,  and  deference  to,  the  wishes 
of  others  is  the  finest  breeding. 


GENERAL  HINTS  TO  BOTH   SEXES.      179 

When  you  cannot  agree  with  the  propositions 
advanced  in  general  conversation,  be  silent.  If 
pressed  for  your  opinion,  give  it  with  modesty. 
Never  defend  your  own  views  too  warmly. 
When  you  find  others  remain  unconvinced,  drop 
the  subject,  or  lead  to  some  other  topic. 

Never  boast  of  your  birth,  your  money,  your 
grand  friends,  or  anything  that  is  yours.  If  you 
have  travelled,  do  not  introduce  that  informa- 
tion into  your  conversation  at  every  opportunity. 
Any  one  can  travel  with  money,  health,  and 
leisure  ;  the  only  real  distinction  is  in  coming 
home  with  enlarged  views,  improved  tastes,  and 
a  mind  free  from  former  prejudices. 

In  entering  a  morning  exhibition,  or  public 
room,  where  ladies  are  present,  the  gentleman 
should  lift  his  hat. 

In  going  upstairs,  the  gentleman  should  pre- 
cede the  lady  ;  in  going  down,  he  should  follow 
her. 

If  jou  accompany  ladies  to  a  theatre  or  con- 
cert-room, precede  them  to  clear  the  way  and 
secure  their  seats. 

If,  when  you  are  walking  with  a  lady  in  any 
crowded  thoroughfare,  you  are  obliged  to  pro- 
ceed singly,  precede  her  to  clear  the  way. 

Always  give  the  lady  the  wall :  by  doing  so 
you  interpose  your  own  person  between  her 
and  the  passers  by,  and  assign  her  the  cleanest 
part  of  the  pavement. 


180  GOOD    MANNERS. 

Do  not  smoke  shortly  before  entering  the  pre- 
sence of  ladies. 

Always  wear  your  gloves  in  church  or  in  a 
theatre. 

If,  while  walking  up  and  down  a  public  pro- 
menade, you  should  meet  friends  or  acquaint- 
ances whom  you  do  not  intend  to  join,  it  is 
only  necessary  to  salute  them  the  first  time  of 
passing. 

When  asked  to  execute  a  commission  for  a 
friend  do  it  immediately,  at  any  cost  of  incon- 
venience. You  thus  double  the  obligation,  and 
show  your  anxiety  to  oblige. 

In  matters  of  precedence,  be  more  careful  to 
give  others  their  rank  than  to  take  your  own. 

It  is  impossible  to  be  polite  without  cultivat- 
ing a  good  memory.  The  absent  or  self-absorbed 
person  who  forgets  the  name  of  his  next-door 
neighbors,  recalls  unlucky  topics,  confuses  the 
personal  relationships  of  his  acquaintances, 
speaks  of  the  dead  as  if  they  were  still  living, 
talks  of  people  in  their  hearing,  and  so  forth, 
without  being  guilty  of  the  least  malevolent 
intention,  is  sure  to  make  enemies  for  himself, 
and  to  wound  the  feeling  of  others. 

We  must  give  as  well  as  take  in  all  our  rela- 
tions writh  others,  and  grudge  none  of  those 
email  observances  which  we  ourselves  find  it  so 
good  and  pleasant  to  accept. 


GENERAL  HINTS  TO  BOTH  SEXES.      181 

Temper  has  much  more  to  do  wich  good 
breeding  than  may  generally  be  supposed. 

The  French  are  allowed  to  be  the  best-man- 
nered people  in  the  world  5  but  this  is  only  be- 
cause they  are  the  most  amiable.  Spend  a 
month  with  a  French  family,  observe  well  the 
tone  of  the  salon,  the  school-room,  the  nursery, 
the  kitchen,  &c.,  you  will  better  understand  how 
it  is  that  French  politeness  has  become  prover- 
bial. A  considerate,  courteous,  kindly  spirit 
pervades  the  entire  household — a  spirit  which 
perhaps  may  pass  for  politeness,  but  which  is, 
in  substance  and  in  truth,  amiability  only. 

We,  unhappily,  have  not  sufficiently  culti- 
vated la  politesse  du  foyer.  With  us,  small 
sacrifices  are  not  made  with  a  good  grace  ;  small 
disappointments  are  not  accepted  in  a  patient 
spirit  5  small  grievances  a.re  too  often  exagge- 
rated. A  very  little  self-control,  a  very  little 
allowance  for  the  failings  of  others,  would  often 
change  the  entire  tone  of  a  household  5  whilst, 
in  our  intercourse  with  the  world,  both  must  be 
largely  exercised,  if  we  would  hope  for  tolera- 
tion, to  say  nothing  of  popularity. 

True  politeness  has  its  roots  in  ethics.  We 
are  not  to  be  polite  merely  because  we  wish  to 
please,  but  because  we  wish  to  consider  the 
feelings  and  spare  the  time  of  others ;  because 
we  entertain  that  charity  "  that  thinketh  no 
evil;"  because  we  are  as  careful  Df  our  neigh- 


182  GOOD    MANNERS. 

bor  s  reputation,  property,  and  personal  comfort 
as  we  would  be  of  our  own  5  because,  in  a  word, 
we  desire  to  carry  into  every  act  of  our  daily 
life  the  spirit  and  practice  of  that  religion  which 
commands  us  to  "do  unto  others  as  we  would 
they  should  do  unto  us." 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

Washington's  u  Rules   of    Civility  and  Decent 
Bekavior  in  Company." 

[Among  the  earlier  writings  of  Washington,  Mr.  Sparks 
preserves  a  series  of  directions  as  to  personal  conduct,  and 
remarks,  very  just]}',  that  whoever  has  studied  the  character 
of  Washington  will  be  persuaded  that  some  of  its  most  pro- 
minent features  took  their  shape  from  the  rules  which  he 
thus  early  selected  and  adopted  as  his  guide.] 

1.  Every  action  in  company  ought  to  be  with 
some  sign  of  respect  to  those  present. 

2.  In  the  presence  of  others,  sing  not  to  your- 
self with  a  humming  noise,  nor  drum  with  your 
lingers  or  feet. 

3.  Speak  not  when  others  speak,  sit  not  when 
others  stand,  and  walk  not  when  others  stop. 

4.  Turn  not  your  back  to  others,  especially 
in  speaking  ;  jog  not  the  table  or  desk  on  which 
another  reads  or  writes-,  lean  not  on  any  one. 

5.  Be  no  flatterer,  neither  play  wkh  any  one 
that  delights  not  to  be  played  with. 

6.  Read  no  letters,  books,  or  papers  in  com- 
pany ;   but  when   there  is  a  necessity  for  doing 
it,  you   must  ask  leave.     Come   not  near   the 
books  or  writings  of  any  one  so  as  to  read  them, 

13  (183) 


184  GOOD    MANNERS. 

unasked ;  also,  look  not  nigh  when  another  is 
writing  a  letter. 

7.  Let  your  countenance  be  pleasant,  but  in 
serious  matters  somewhat  grave. 

8.  Show  not  yourself  glad  at  the  misfortune 
of  another  though  he  were  your  enemy. 

9.  They  that  are  in  dignity  or  office  have  in 
all    places    precedency  ;    but    whilst   they    are 
young,  they   ought   to  respect    those    that   are 
their  equals  in  birth  or  other  qualities,  though 
they  have  no  public  charge. 

10.  It   is    good   manners  to  prefer  them    to 
whom  we  speak  before  ourselves,  especially  if 
they  be  above  us,  with  whom,  in  no  sort,  Wj 
ought  to  begin. 

11.  Let  your  discourse  with  men  of  business 
be  short  and  comprehensive. 

12.  In   visiting    the    sick,    do   not   presently 
play    the   physician,    if    you   be   not  knowing 
therein. 

13.  In  writing  or  speaking,  give  to  every  per- 
son his  due   title,  according  to  his  degree  and 
the  custom  of  the  place. 

14.  Strive  not  with  your  superiors   in  argu- 
ment, but   always    submit   your  judgment    to 
others  with  modesty. 

15.  Undertake  not  to  teach  your  equal  in  the 
art  himself  professes ;  it  savors  of  arrogancy. 

16.  When  a  man  does  all  he  can,  though  it 
succeeds  not  well,  blame  not  him  that  did  it. 


WASHINGTON'S  HULES.  185 

17.  Being  to  advise  cr  reprehend  any  one, 
consider  whether  it  ought  to  be  in  public  or  in 
private,  presently  or  at  some  other  time,  also  in, 
*vhat  terms  to  do  it ;  and  in  reproving,  show  no 
signs  of  choler,  but  do  it  with  sweetness  and 
mildness. 

18.  Mock  not,  nor  jest  at  any  thing  of  import- 
ince ;  break  no  jests  that  are  sharp  or  biting, 
and  if  you  deliver  any  thing  witty  or  pleasant, 
abstain  from  laughing  thereat  yourself. 

19.  Wherein  you  reprove  another  be  unblam- 
able yourself,   for  example  is  more   prevalent 
than  precept. 

20.  Use  no  reproachful  language  against  any 
one,  neither  curses  nor  revilings. 

21.  Be  not  hasty  to  believe  flying  reports,  to 
the  disparagement  of  any  one. 

22.  In  your  apparel  be  modest,  and  endeavor 
to    accommodate    nature    rather    than    procure 
admiration,  keep  to  the  fashion  of  your  equals, 
such  as  are  civil  and  orderly  with  respect  to 
time  and  place. 

23.  Play    not    the    peacock,    looking   every- 
where about  you  to  see  if  you  be  well  decked, 
if   your   shoes    fit  well,   if   your   stockings   sit 
neatly,  and  clothes  handsomely. 

24.  Associate    yourself    with    men   of    good 
quality  if  you  esteem  your  own  reputation,  for 
it  is  better  to  be  alone  than  in  bad  company. 

25.  Let  your  conversation  be  without  malice 


186  GOOD    MANNERS. 

or  envy,  for  it  is  a  sign  of  a  tractable  and  com- 
mendable nature,  and  in  all  causes  of  passion 
ad  in  it  reason  to  govern. 

26.  Be  not  immodest  in  urging  your  friend 
to  discover  a  secret. 

"21.  Utter  not  base  and  frivolous  tilings 
amongst  grown  and  learned  men :  nor  very 
difficult  questions  or  subjects  amongst  the  igno- 
rant, nor  things  hard  to  be  believed. 

1^.  Speak  not  of  doleful  things  in  time  of 
mirth,  nor  at  the  table  5  speak  not  of  melan- 
choly things,  as  death  and  wounds,  and  if  others 
mention  ihem,  change,  if  you  can,  the  dis- 
course. Tell  not  your  dreams  but  tc  your 
intimate  friends. 

29.  Break  not  a  jest  where  none  take  pleasure 
in  mirth.     Laugh  not  aloud,  nor  at  all  without 
occasion.     Deride  no  man's  misfortune,  though 
there  seem  to  be  some  cause. 

30.  Speak  not  injurious  words,  neither  in  jest 
or  earnest.     Scoff  at  none,  although  they  give 
occasion. 

31.  Be  not  forward,  but  friendly  and  court- 
eous, the  first  to  salute,  hear  and  answer,  and 
be  not  pensive  when  it  is  a  time  to  converse. 

*2.  Detract  not  from  others,  but  neither  be 
excessive  in  commending. 

33.  Go  not  thither,  where  you  know  not  whe- 

•/ 

ther  you  shall   be  welcome  or  not.     Give  not 


WASHINGTON'S  RULES.  187 

advice  without  being  asked,  and  when  ie-sired, 
do  it  briefly. 

34.  If   two  contend   together,   take   not    the 
part  of  either  unconstrained,  and  be  not  obsti- 
nate in  your  opinion :    in  things  indifferent  be 
of  the  major  side. 

35.  Reprehend  not  the  imperfections  of  others, 
for  that  belongs  to  parents,  masters,  and  supe- 
riors. 

36.  Gaze  not  on  the   marks  or  blemishes  of 
others,  and  ask  not  how  they  came.     What  you 
may  speak  in  secret  to  your  friend,  deliver  not 
before  others. 

37.  Speak  not  in  an  unknown  tongue  in  com- 
pany, but  in  your  own  language  5  and  that  as 
those  of   quality  do,   and   not    as  the  vulgar. 
Sublime  matters  treat  seriously. 

38.  Think  before  you  speak;  pronounce  not 
imperfectly,  nor  bring  out  your  words  too  hastily, 
but  orderly  and  distinctly. 

39.  When  another  speaks,  be  attentive  your- 
self, and  disturb  not  the  audience.    If  any  hesi- 
tate in  his  words,  help  him  not,  nor  prompt  him 
wi'Jiout  being  desired ;  interrupt  him  not,  nor 
answer  him  till  his  speech  be  ended. 

40.  Treat  with  men  at  fit  times  about  busi- 
ness, and  whisper  not  in  the  company  of  others. 

41.  Make  no  comparisons,  and  if  any  of  the 
company  be   commended  for  any  brave  act  of 
virtue,  commend  riot  another  for  the  same. 


188  GOOD    MANNERS. 

42.  Be  not  apt  to  relate  news,  if  you  know 
not  the  truth  thereof.     In  discoursing  of  things 
you  have  heard,  name  not  your  author  always. 
A  secret  discover  not. 

43.  Be   not  curious  to    know   the   affairs  of 
others,  neither  approach  to  those  that  speak  in 
private. 

44.  Undertake  not  what  you  cannot  perform  ; 
but  be  careful  to  keep  your  promise. 

45.  When  you  deliver  a  matter,  do  it  without 
passion   and    indiscretion,    however    mean    the 
person  may  be  you  do  it  to. 

46.  When  your   superiors  talk   to  anybody, 
hear  them,  neither  speak  nor  laugh. 

47.  In  disputes,  bo  not  so  desirous  to  over- 
come as  not  to  give  liberty  to  each  one  to  deliver 
his  opinion,  and  submit  to  the  judgment  of  the 
major  part,  especially  if  they  arejudgers  of  the 
dispute. 

48.  Be   not   tedious  in   discourse,   make   not 
many  digressions,  nor   repeat  often  the    same 
matter  of  discourse. 

49.  Speak  no  evil  of  the  absent,  for  it  is  un- 
just. 

50.  Be  not  angry  at  table  whatever  happens : 
and  if  you   have  reason  to  be  so,  show  it  not, 
put   on    a  cheerful  countenance,   especially   if 
there  be  strangers,  for  good  humor  makes  one 
dish  a  feast. 

51.  Set  not  yourself  at  the  upper  end  of  the 


WASHINGTON'S  RULES.  189 

table,  but  if  it  be  your  due,  or  the  master  of  the 
house  will  have  it  so,  contend  not,  lest  you  should 
trouble  the  company. 

52.  When  you  speak  of  God  or  his  attributes, 
let  it  be  seriously,  in  reverence  and  honor,  and 
obey  your  natural  parents. 

53.  Let  your  recreations  be  manful,  not  sin 

fill. 

54.  Labor  to  keep  alive  in  your  breast  that 
little  spark  of  celestial  fire,  called  conscience. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

Franklin1  s  "Rules  of  Conduct." 

Framed  by  him  for  his  guidance,  and  which  helped  to  make 
him  a  great  man,  beloved  and  respected. 

1.  TEMPERANCE. — Eat  not  to  dulness ;   drink 
not  to  elevation. 

2.  SILENCE. — Speak  not  but  what  may  benefit 
others,  or  yourself  5  avoid  trifling  conversation. 

3.  ORDER. — Let  all   your   things  have   their 
places ;  let  each  part  of  your  business  have  its 
time. 

4.  RESOLUTION. — Resolve  to  perform  what  you 
ought ;  perform  without  fail  what  you  resolve. 

5.  FRUGALITY. — Make  no   expense  but  to  do 
good   to   others,   or  yourself;    that    is,   waste 
nothing. 

6.  INDUSTRY. —  Lose  no  time;  be  always  em- 
ployed in  something  useful ;  cut  off  all  unne- 
cessary actions. 

7.  SINCERITY. — Use  no  hurtful  deceit ;  think 
innocently  and  justly  ;  and,  if  you  speak,  speak 
accordingly. 

8.  JUSTICE. — Wrong  none  by  doing  injuries, 
or  omitting  the  benefits  that  are  your  duty. 

(190) 


FRANKLIN'S  RULES.  191 

9.  MODERATION.  —  Avoid   extremes  ;   forbear 
resenting  injuries  so  much  as  you  think  they 
deserve. 

10.  CLEANLINESS. — Tolerate  no  uncleanliness 
in  body,  clothes,  or  habitation. 

11.  TRANQUILLITY. — Be  not  disturbed  at  trifles, 
or  at  accidents,  common  or  unavoidable. 

12.  CHASTITY. — 

13.  HUMILITY. — Imitate  JESUS  and  SOCRATES. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

Lord  Chesterfield's  Sentences  and  Maxims. 

THE  ART  OF  SPEAKING. — You  cannot  but  be 
convinced,  that  a  man  who  speaks  and  writes 
with  elegance  and  grace  ;  who  makes  choice  of 
good  words ;  and  adorns  and  embellishes  the 
subject,  upon  which  he  either  speaks  or  writes, 
will  persuade  better,  and  succeed  more  easily  in 
obtaining  what  he  wishes,  than  a  man  who  does 
not  explain  himself  clearly  ;  speaks  his  language 
ill ;  or  makes  use  of  low  and  vulgar  expressions  ; 
and  who  has  neither  grace  nor  elegance  in  any- 
thing that  he  says. 

THE  FOLLY  OF  IGNORANCE. — An  ignorant  man 
is  insignificant  and  contemptible  5  nobody  cares 
for  his  company,  and  he  can  just  be  said  to  live, 
and  that  is  all.  There  is  a  very  pretty  French 
epigram  upon  the  death  of  such  an  ignorant, 
insignificant  fellow,  the  sting  of  which  is,  that 
all  that  can  be  said  of  him  is,  that  he  was  once 
alive,  and  that  he  is  now  dead. 

HUMANITY. — It  is  certain  that  humanity  is 
the  particular  characteristic  of  a  great  mind ; 
little,  vicious  minds  are  full  of  anger  and  re- 
venge, and  are  incapable  of  feeling  the  exalted 

(192) 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     193 

pleasure  of  forgiving  their  enemies,  and  of  be- 
stowing marks  of  favor  and  generosity  upon 
those  of  whom  they  have  gotten  the  better. 

VIRTUE. — Virtue  is  a  subject  that  deserves 
your  and  every  man's  attention  5  and  suppose  I 
were  to  bid  you  make  some  verses,  or  give  me 
your  thoughts  in  prose,  upon  the  subject  of 
virtue,  how  would  you  go  about  it?  Why  you 
would  first  consider  what  virtue  is,  and  then 
what  are  the  effects  and  marks  of  it,  both  with 
regard  to  others  and  one's  self.  You  would 
find,  then,  that  virtue  consists  in  doing  good, 
and  in  speaking  truth  ;  and  that  the  effects  of 
it  are  advantageous  to  all  mankind,  and  to  one's 
self  in  particular.  Virtue  makes  us  pity  and 
relieve  the  misfortunes  of  mankind ;  it  makes 
us  promote  justice  and  good  order  in  society: 
and,  in  general,  contributes  to  whatever  tends  to 
the  real  good  of  mankind.  To  ourselves  it  gives 
an  inward  comfort  and  satisfaction,  which 
nothing  else  can  do,  and  which  nothing  can 
rob  us  of.  All  other  advantages  depend  upon 
others,  as  much  as  upon  ourselves.  Riches, 
power,  and  greatness  may  be  taken  away  from 
us  by  the  violence  and  injustice  of  others  or 
inevitable  accidents,  but  virtue  depends  only  on 
ourselves  and  nobody  can  take  it  away. 

POLITENESS  A  NECESSITY. — Know  then,  that 
as  learning,  honor,  and  virtue   are  absolutely 


194  GOOD    MANNERS. 

necessary  to  gain  you  the  esteem  ani  admira- 
tion of  mankind  ;  politeness  and  good  breeding 
are  equally  necessary,  to  make  you  welcome 
and  agreeable  in  conversation,  and  common  life. 
Great  talents,  such  as  honor,  virtue,  learning,  and 
parts,  are  above  the  generality  of  the  world ;  who 
neither  possess  them  themselves,  nor  judge  of 
them  rightly  in  others :  but  all  people  are  judges 
of  the  lesser  talents,  such  as  civility,  affability, 
and  an  obliging,  agreeable  address  and  manner; 
because  they  feel  the  good  effects  of  them,  as 
making  society  easy  and  pleasing. 

RUDENESS  AND  CIVILITY. — I  dare  say  I  need 
not  tell  you  how  rude  it  is,  to  take  the  best 
place  in  a  room,  or  to  seize  immediately  upon 
what  you  like  at  table,  without  offering  first  to 
help  others ;  as  if  you  considered  nobody  but 
yourself.  On  the  contrary,  you  should  always 
endeavor  to  procure  all  the  conveniences  you 
can  to  the  people  you  are  with.  Besides  being 
civil,  which  is  absolutely  necessary,  the  perfec- 
tion of  good  breeding  is,  to  be  civil  with  ease, 
and  in  a  gentlemanlike  manner.  For  this,  you 
should  observe  the  French  people ;  who  excel 
in  it,  and  whose  politeness  seems  as  easy  and 
natural  as  any  other  part  of  their  conversation. 
Whereas  the  English  are  often  awkward  in  their 
civilities,  and,  when  they  mean  to  be  civil,  are 
too  much  ashamed  to  get  it  out. 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     195 

MANNER — ABSENCE — AWKWARDNESS — ATTEN- 
TION.— However  trifling  a  genteel  manner  may 
sound,  it  is  of  very  great  consequence  towards 
pleasing  in  private  life,  especially  the  women  : 
whom,  one  time  or  other,  you  will  think  worth 
pleasing:  and  I  have  known  many  a  man, 
from  his  awkwardness,  give  people  such  a  dis- 
like of  him  at  first,  that  all  his  merit  could  not 
get  the  better  of  it  afterwards.  Whereas  a 
genteel  manner  prepossesses  people  in  your 
favor,  bends  them  towards  you,  and  makes 
them  wish  to  like  you.  Awkwardness  can  pro- 
ceed but  from  two  causes ;  either  from  not 
having  kept  good  company,  or  from  not  having 
attended  to  it. 

There  is,  likewise,  an  awkwardness  of  expres- 
sion and  words,  most  carefully  to  be  avoided ; 
such  as  false  English,  bad  pronunciation,  old 
sayings,  and  common  proverbs  ;  which  are  so 
many  proofs  of  having  kept  bad  and  low  com- 
pany. For  example :  if,  instead  of  saying  that 
tastes  are  different,  and  that  every  man  has  his 
own  peculiar  one,  you  should  let  off  a  proverb, 
and  say,  that  il  What  is  one  man's  meat  is 
another  man's  poison  ;"  or  else,  "Every  one  as 
they  like,  as  the  good  man  said  when  he  kissed 
bis  cow  ;"  everybody  would  be  persuaded  that 
you  had  never  kept  company  with  anybody 
above  footmen  and  housemaids. 

Attention  will  do  all  this ;  and  without  atten- 


196  GOOD    MANNERS. 

tion  nothing  is  to  be  done  ;  want  of  attention, 
which  is  really  want  of  thought,  is  either  folly 
or  madness.  You  should  not  only  have  atten- 
tion to  everything,  but  a  quickness  of  attention, 
so  as  to  observe,  at  once,  all  the  people  in  the 
room ;  their  motions,  their  looks,  and  their 
words  ;  and  yet  without  staring  at  them,  and 
seeming  to  be  an  observer.  This  quick  and 
unobserved  observation  is  of  infinite  advantage 
in  life,  and  is  to  be  acquired  with  care ;  and,  on 
the  contrary,  what  is  called  absence,  which  is 
a  thoughtlessness  and  want  of  attention  about 
what  is  doing,  makes  a  man  so  like  either  a  fool 
or  a  madman,  that,  for  my  part,  I  see  no  real 
difference.  A  fool  never  has  thought,  a  mad- 
man has  lost  it  *,  and  an  absent  man  is,  for  the 
time,  without  it. 

LETTER  WRITING. — Let  your  letter  be  written 
as  accurately  as  you  are  able — I  mean  with 
regard  to  language,  grammar  and  stops ;  for  as 
to  the  matter  of  it  the  less  trouble  you  give  your- 
self the  better  it  will  be.  Letters  should  be 
easy  and  natural,  and  convey  to  the  persons 
to  whom  we  send  them,  just  what  we  should  say 
to  the  persons  if  we  were  with  them. 

DANCING  TRIFLING. — Dancing  is  in  itself  a 
very  trifling,  silly  thing ;  but  it  is  one  of  those 
established  follies  to  which  people  of  sense  are 
sometimes  obliged  to  conform  ;  and  then  they 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     197 

should  be  able  to  do  it  well.  And,  though  I 
would  not  have  you  a  dancer,  yet  when  you  do 
dance,  I  would  have  you  dance  well,  as  I  would 
have  you  do  everything  you  do,  well.  There  is 
no  one  thing  so  trifling,  but  which  (if  it  is  to  be 
done  at  all)  ought  to  be  done  well.  And  1  have 
often  told  you,  that  I  wished  you  even  played 
at  pitch,  and  cricket,  better  than  any  boy  at 
Westminster.  For  instance ;  dress  is  a  very 
foolish  thing ;  and  yet  it  is  a  very  foolish  thing 
for  a  man  not  to  be  well  dressed,  according  to 
his  rank  and  way  of  life ;  and  it  is  so  far  from 
being  a  disparagement  to  any  man's  understand- 
ing, that  it  is  rather  a  proof  of  it,  to  be  as 
well  dressed  as  those  whom  he  lives  with :  the 
difference  in  this  case  between  a  man  of  sense 
and  a  fop  is,  that  the  fop  values  himself  upon 
his  dress  ;  and  the  man  of  sense  laughs  at  it, 
at  the  same  time  that  he  knows  he  must  not 
neglect  it:  there  are  a  thousand  foolish  customs 
of  this  kind,  which  not  being  criminal  must  be 
complied  with,  and  even  cheerfully  by  men  of 
sense.  Diogenes  the  cynic  was  a  wise  man  for 
despising  them,  but  a  fool  for  showing  it.  Be 
wiser  than  other  people  if  you  can,  but  do  not 
tell  them  so. 

INATTENTION. — There  is  no  surer  sign  in  the 
world  of  a  little,  weak  mind,  than  inattention. 
Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing 


198  GOOD    MANNERS. 

\vell ;  and  nothing  can  be  done  well  without 
attention.  It  is  the  sure  answer  of  a  fool,  when 
you  ask  him  about  anything  that  was  said  01 
done,  where  he  was  present,  that  "  truly  he  did 
not  mind  it."  And  why  did  not  the  fool  mind 
it  ?  What  had  he  else  to  do  there,  but  to  mind 
what  was  doing?  A  man  of  sense  sees,  hears, 
and  retains  everything  that  passes  where  he  is. 
I  desire  I  may  never  hear  you  talk  of  not  mind- 
ing, nor  complain,  as  most  fools  do,  of  a  treach- 
erous memory.  Mind,  not  only  what  people 
say,  but  how  they  say  it;  and,  if  you  have  any 
sagacity,  you  may  discover  more  truth  by  your 
eyes  than  by  your  ears.  People  can  say  what 
they  will  but  they  cannot  look  what  they  will, 
and  their  looks  frequently  discover  what  their 
words  are  calculated  to  conceal.  The  most 
material  knowledge  of  all — I  mean  the  know- 
ledge of  the  world — is  not  to  be  acquired  with- 
out great  attention. 

WOMEN. — CLASSES  OF  MEN. — JUDGMENT. — Be- 
fore it  is  very  long,  I  am  of  opinion,  that  you 
will  both  think  and  speak  more  favorably  of 
women  than  you  do  now.  You  seem  to  think, 
that,  from  Eve  downwards,  they  have  done  a 
great  deal  of  mischief.  As  for  that  lady,  I 
give  her  up  to  you  ;  but,  since  her  time,  history 
will  inform  you,  that  men  have  done  much  more 
mischief  in  the  world  than  women ;  and,  to  say 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     199 

the  truth,  I  would  not  advise  you  to  trust  either, 
more  than  is  absolutely  necessary.  But  this  I 
will  advise  you  to,  which  is,  never  to  attack 
whole  bodies  of  any  kind;  for,  besides  that  all 
general  rules  have  their  exceptions,  you  un- 
necessarily make  yourself  a  great  number  of 
enemies,  by  attacking  a  corps  collectively. 
Among  women,  as  among  men,  there  are  good 
as  well  as  bad,  and  it  may  be  full  as  many,  or 
more,  good  than  among  men.  This  rule  holds 
as  to  lawyers,  soldiers,  parsons,  courtiers,  citi- 
zens, &c.  They  are  all  men,  subject  to  the  same 
passions  and  sentiments,  differing  only  in  the 
manner,  according  to  their  several  educations; 
and  it  would  be  as  imprudent  as  unjust  to  attack 
any  of  them  by  the  lump.  Individuals  forgive 
sometimes ;  but  bodies  and  societies  never  do. 
Many  young  people  think  it  very  genteel  and 
witty  to  abuse  the  clergy  ;  in  which  they  are 
extremely  mistaken;  since,  in  my  opinion, 
parsons  are  very  like  other  men,  and  neither 
the  better  nor  the  worse  for  wearing  a  black 
gown.  All  general  reflections,  upon  nations 
and  societies,  are  the  trite,  threadbare  jokes  of 
those  who  set  up  for  wit  without  having  any, 
and  so  have  recourse  to  commonplace.  Judge 
of  individuals  from  your  own  knowledge  of 
them,  and  not  from  their  sex,  profession,  or 
denomination. 
14 


200  GOOD    MANNERS. 

FALSE  DELICACY. — As  for  the  mauvaise  honfaf 
I  hope  you  are  above  it ;  your  figure  is  like 
other  people's,  I  hope  you  will  take  care  that 
your  dress  is  so  too.  Why  then  should  you  be 
ashamed?  Why  not  go  into  mixed  company 
with  as  little  concern  as  you  would  into  your 
own  room? 

THE  WELL-BRED  MAN — Feels  himself  firm  and 
easy  in  all  companies  5  is  modest  without  being 
bashful,  and  steady  without  being  impudent: 
if  he  is  a  stranger  he  observes,  with  care,  the 
manners  and  ways  of  the  people  the  most 
esteemed  at  that  place,  and  conforms  to  them 
with  complaisance.  Instead  of  finding  fault 
with  the  customs  of  that  place,  and  telling  the 
people  that  the  English  ones  are  a  thousand 
times  better  (as  my  countrymen  are  very  apt  to 
do),  he  commends  their  table,  their  dreps,  their 
houses,  and  their  manners,  a  little  more,  it  may 
be,  than  he  really  thinks  they  deserve.  But 
this  degree  of  complaisance  is  neither  criminal 
nor  abject ;  and  is  but  a  small  price  to  pay  for 
the  good  will  and  affection  of  the  people  you 
converse  with.  As  the  generality  of  people  are 
weak  enough  to  be  pleased  with  these  little 
things,  those  who  refuse  to  please  them,  so 
cheaply,  are,  in  my  mind,  weaker  than  they. 

FOOLISH  TALK. — The  conversation  of  the  igno- 
rant is  no  conversation,  and  gives  even  them  no 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     201 

pleasure:  they  tire  of  their  own  sterility,  and 
have  not  matter  enough  to  furnish  them  with 
words  to  keep  up  a  conversation. 

WORLD-KNOWLEDGE. — Do  not  imagine  that  the 
knowledge  which  I  so  much  recommend  to  you 
is  confined  to  books,  pleasing,  useful,  and  neces- 
sary as  that  knowledge  is;  but  I  comprehend  in 
it  the  great  knowledge  of  the  world,  still  more 
necessary  than  that  of  books.  In  truth,  they 
assist  one  another  reciprocally  ;  and  no  man 
will  have  either  perfectly,  who  has  not  both. 
The  knowledge  of  the  world  is  only  to  be  ac- 
quired in  the  world,  and  not  in  a  closet.  Books 
alone  will  never  teach  it  you ;  but  they  will 
suggest  many  things  to  your  observation,  which 
might  otherwise  escape  you  ;  and  your  own  ob- 
servations upon  mankind,  when  compared  with 
those  which  you  will  find  in  books,  will  help 
you  to  fix  the  true  point. 

INTROSPECTION. — You  must  look  into  people, 
as  well  as  at  them.  Almost  all  people  are  born 
with  all  the  passions,  to  a  certain  degree  ;  but 
almost  every  man  has  a  prevailing  one,  to  which 
the  others  are  subordinate.  Search  every  one 
for  that  ruling  passion  ;  pry  into  the  recesses 
of  his  heart,  and  observe  the  different  workings 
of  the  same  passion  in  different  people.  And, 
when  you  have  found  out  the  prevailing  passion 
of  any  man,  remember  never  to  trust  him,  where 


202  GOOD    MANNERS. 

that  passion  is  concerned.  Work  upon  him 
by  it,  if  you  please :  but  be  upon  your  guard 
yourself  against  it,  whatever  professions  he  may 
make  vou. 

*/ 

INSULTS  AND  INJURIES. — However  frivolous  a 
company  may  be,  still,  while  you  are  among 
them,  do  not  show  them,  by  your  inattention, 
that  you  think  them  so;  but  rather  -take  their 
tone,  and  conform  in  some  degree  to  their  weak- 
ness, instead  of  manfesting  your  contempt  for 
them.  There  is  nothing  that  people  bear  more 
impatiently,  or  forgive  less,  than  contempt:  and 
an  injury  is  much  sooner  forgotten  than  an 
insult. 

FASHIONABLE  VICES. — A  real  man  of  fashion 
and  pleasure  observes  decency  ;  at  least,  neither 
borrows  nor  affects  vices ;  and  if  he  unfortun- 
ately has  any,  he  gratifies  them  with  choice, 
delicacy,  and  secrecy.  I  have  not  mentioned 
the  pleasures  of  the  mind  (which  are  the  solid 
and  permanent  ones),  because  they  do  not  come 
under  the  head  of  what  people  commonly  call 
pleasures ;  which  they  seem  to  confine  to  the 
senses.  The  pleasure  of  virtue,  of  charity,  and 
of  learning  is  true  and  lasting  pleasure  ;  which 
I  hope  you  will  be  well  and  long  acquainted 
with. 

ONE  THING  AT  A  TIME. — If  at  a  ball,  a  supper, 
7r  a  party  of  pleasure,  a  man  were  to  be  solving, 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     203 

in  his  own  mind,  a  problem  in  Euclid,  he  would 
be  a  very  bad  companion,  and  make  a  very  poor 
figure  in  that  company  ;  or  if,  in  studying  a 
problem  in  his  closet,  he  were  to  think  of  a 
minuet,  I  am  apt  to  believe  that  he  would  make 
a  very  poor  mathematician.  There  is  time 
enough  for  everything,  in  the  course  of  the  day, 
if  you  do  but  one  thing  at  once  ;  but  there  is 
not  time  enough  in  the  year,  if  you  will  do  two 
things  at  a  time. 

PERSONAL  CLEANLINESS. — As  you  must  attend 
to  your  manners,  so  you  must  not  neglect  your 
person  ;  but  take  care  to  be  very  clean,  well 
dressed,  and  genteel ;  to  have  no  disagreeable 
attitudes,  nor  awkward  tricks ;  which  many 
people  use  themselves  to,  and  then  cannot  leave 
them  off.  Do  you  take  care  to  keep  your  teeth 
very  clean,  by  washing  them  constantly  every 
morning,  and  after  every  meal?  This  is  very 
necessary,  both  to  preserve  your  teeth  a  great 
while,  and  to  save  you  a  great  deal  of  pain. 
Do  you  dress  well,  and  not  too  well?  Do  you 
consider  your  air  and  manner  of  presenting 
yourself,  enough,  and  not  too  much?  neither 
negligent  nor  stiff.  All  these  things  deserve  a 
degree  of  care,  a  second-rate  attention  ;  they 
give  an  additional  lustre  to  real  merit.  My 
Lord  Bacon  says,  that  a  pleasing  figure  is  a  per- 
petual letter  of  recommendation.  It  is  cer< 


204  GOOD    MANNERS. 

tainly  an  agreeable  forerunner  of  merit,   and 
smooths  the  way  for  it. 

TRUTH. — Every  man  seeks  for  truth ;  but  God 
only  knows  who  has  found  it.  It  is,  therefore, 
as  unjust  to  persecute,  as  it  is  absurd  to  ridi- 
cule, people  for  those  several  opinions,  which 
they  cannot  help  entertaining  upon  the  convic- 
tion of  their  reason. 

GOOD  BREEDING. — Civility,  which  is  a  dispo- 
sition to  accommodate  and  oblige  others,  is  es- 
sentially the  same  in  every  country  ;  but  good 
breeding,  as  it  is  called,  which  is  the  manner  of 
exerting  that  disposition,  is  different  in  almost 
every  country,  and  merely  local ;  and  every  man 
of  sense  imitates  and  conforms  to  that  local 
good  breeding  of  the  place  which  he  is  at.  A 
conformity  and  flexibility  of  manners  is  neces- 
sary in  the  course  of  the  world ;  that  is,  with 
regard  to  all  things  which  are  not  wrong  in 
themselves.  The  versatile  ing enium  is  the  most 
useful  of  all.  It  can  turn  itself  instantly  from 
one  object  to  another,  assuming  the  proper 
manner  for  each.  It  can  be  serious  with  the 
grave,  cheerful  with  the  gay,  and  trifling  with 
the  frivolous.  Endeavor,  by  all  means,  to  ac- 
quire this  talent,  for  it  is  a  very  great  one 

SELF-LOVE. — Do  not  let  your  vanity,  and  self- 
love,  make  you  suppose  that  people  become 
your  friends  at  first  sight,  or  even  upon  a  short 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     205 

acquaintance.  Real  friendship  is  a  slow  grower; 
and  never  thrives,  unless  engrafted  upon  a  stock 
of  known  and  reciprocal  merit.  The  next  thing 
to  the  choice  of  your  friends  is  the  choice  of 
your  company.  Endeavor,  as  much  as  you  can, 
to  keep  company  with  people  above  you.  There 
you  rise,  as  much  as  you  sink  with  people  be- 
low you ;  for,  as  I  mentioned  before,  you  are 
whatever  the  company  you  keep  is.  Do  not 
mistake,  when  I  say  company  above  you,  and 
think  that  I  mean  with  regard  to  their  birth; 
that  is  the  least  consideration  :  but  I  mean  with 
regard  to  their  merit,  and  the  light  in  which  the 
world  considers  them. 

GOOD  COMPANY. — There  are  two  sorts  of  good 
company ;  one,  which  is  called  the  beau  monde, 
and  consists  of  those  people  who  have  the  lead 
in  courts,  and  in  the  gay  part  of  life ;  the  other 
consists  of  those  who  are  distinguished  by  some 
peculiar  merit,  or  who  excel  in  some  particular 
and  valuable  art  or  science.  For  my  own  part, 
I  used  to  think  myself  in  company  as  much 
above  me,  when  I  was  with  Mr.  Addison  and 
Mr.  Pope,  as  if  I  had  been  with  all  the  princea 
in  Europe.  What  I  mean  by  low  company, 
which  should  by  all  means  be  avoided,  is  the 
company  of  those,  who,  absolutely  insignificant 
and  contemptible  in  themselves,  think  they  are 
honored  by  being  in  your  company,  and  who 


206  GOOD    MANNERS. 

flatter  every  vice  and  every  folly  you  have,  in 
order  to  engage  you  to  converse  with  them. 
The  pride  of  being  the  first  of  the  company  is 
but  too  common  •  but  it  is  very  silly,  and  very 
prejudicial.  Nothing  in  the  world  lets  down  a 
character  more  than  that  wrong  turn. 

VALUE  OF  TIME. — I  knew,  once,  a  very  covet- 
ous, sordid  fellow,  who  used  frequently  to  say, 
**  Take  care  of  the  pence,  for  the  pounds  will 
take  care  of  themselves."  This  was  a  just  and 
sensible  reflection  in  a  miser.  I  recommend  to 
you  to  take  care  of  minutes ;  for  hours  will 
take  care  of  themselves.  I  am  very  sure,  that 
many  people  lose  two  or  three  hours  every  day, 
by  not  taking  care  of  the  minutes.  Never 
think  any  portion  of  time,  whatsoever,  tc-:<  shor- 
to  be  employed :  something  or  other  may  al- 
ways be  done  in  it. 

KNOWLEDGE. — Knowledge  is  a  comfortable 
and  necessary  retreat  and  shelter  for  us  in  an 
advanced  age  ;  and  if  we  do  not  plant  it  while 
young,  it  will  give  us  no  shade  when  we  grow 
old. 

FASHIONABLE  LADIES. — The  company  of  wo- 
men of  fashion  will  improve  your  manners, 
though  not  your  understanding;  and  that  com- 
plaisance and  politeness,  which  are  so  useful 
in  imirs  company,  can  only  be  acquired  in 
women's. 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.    207 

TALENT  AND  BREEDING. — Remember  always, 
what  I  have  told  you  a  thousand  times,  that  all 
the  talents  in  the  world  will  want  all  their  lus- 
tre, and  some  part  of  their  use  too,  if  they  are 
not  adorned  with  that  easy  good  breeding,  that 
engaging  manner,  and  those  graces,  which  se- 
duce and  prepossess  people  in  your  favor  at  first 
sight.  A  proper  care  of  your  person  is  by  no 
means  to  be  neglected  ;  always  extremely  clean  ; 
upon  proper  occasions,  fine.  Your  carriage  gen- 
teel, and  your  motions  graceful.  Take  particu- 
lar care  of  your  manner  and  address,  when  you 
present  yourself  in  company.  Let  them  be  re- 
spectful without  meanness,  easy  without  too 
much  familiarity,  genteel  without  affectation, 
and  insinuating  without  any  seeming  art  or 
design. 

How  lt  TO  WEAR  '  LEARNING. — Wear  your 
learning  like  your  watch,  in  a  private  pocket ; 
and  do  not  pull  it  out  and  strike  it,  merely  to 
show  that  you  have  one.  If  you  are  asked 
what  o'clock  it  is,  tell  it,  but  do  not  proclaim 
it  hourly  and  unasked,  like  the  watchman. 

METHOD  AND  MANNER. — The  manner  of  do- 
ing things  is  often  more  important  than  the 
things  themselves ;  and  the  very  same  thing 
may  become  either  pleasing,  or  offensive,  by  the 
manner  of  saying  or  doing  it.  Maieriam  super- 
abat  opus,  is  often  said  of  works  of  sculpture, 


208  GOOD    MANNERS. 

where  though  the  materials  were  valuable,  as 
silver,  gold,  &c.,  the  workmanship  was  still  more 

80. 

ADVANTAGE  OF  MANNERS. — Manners,  though 
the  last,  and  it  may  be  the  least  ingredient  of 
real  merit,  are,  however,  very  far  from  being 
useless  in  its  composition;  they  adorn,  and  give 
an  additional  force  and  lustre  to  both  virtue 
and  knowledge.  They  prepare  and  smooth  the 
way  for  the  progress  of  both  ;  and  are,  I  fear, 
with  the  bulk  of  mankind,  more  engaging  than 
either.  Remember,  then,  the  infinite  advantage 
of  manners ;  cultivate  and  improve  your  own 
to  the  utmost :  good  sense  will  suggest  the 
great  rules  to  you,  good  company  will  do  the 
rest. 

PROPER  CARRIAGE. — Next  to  graceful  speak- 
ing, a  genteel  carriage,  and  a  graceful  mariner 
of  presenting  yourself,  are  extremely  necessary, 
for  they  are  extremely  engaging ;  and  careless- 
ness in  these  points  is  much  more  unpardonable, 
in  a  young  fellow,  than  affectation.  It  shows 
an  offensive  indifference  about  pleasing.  Awk- 
wardness of  carriage  is  very  alienating ;  and  a 
total  negligence  of  dress,  and  air,  is  an  imper 
iinent  insult  upon  custom  and  fashion. 

No  ONE  CONTEMPTIBLE. — Be  convinced  that 
there  are  no  persons  so  insignificant  and 
inconsiderable,  but  may  some  time  or  other, 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     209 

and  in  some  thing  or  other,  have  it  in  their 
power  to  be  of  use  to  you  ;  which  they  certainly 
will  not,  if  you  have  once  shown  them  contempt. 

THE  FOLLY  OF  CONTEMPT. — Wrongs  are  often 
forgiven,  but  contempt  never  is.  Our  pride 
remembers  it  for  ever.  It  implies  a  discovery 
of  weaknesses,  which  we  are  much  more  careful 
to  conceal  than  crimes.  Many  a  man  will  con- 
fess his  crimes  to  a  common  friend,  but  I  never 
knew  a  man  who  would  tell  his  silly  weak- 
nesses to  his  most  intimate  one.  As  many  a 
friend  will  tell  us  our  faults  without  reserve, 
who  will  not  so  much  as  hint  at  our  follies : 
that  discovery  is  too  mortifying  to  our  self-love, 
either  to  tell  another,  or  to  be  told  of,  one's 
self. 

LES  ATTENTIONS. — The  constant  practice  of 
what  the  French  call  les  attentions  is  a  most 
necessary  ingredient  in  the  art  of  pleasing; 
they  flatter  the  self-love  of  those  to  whom  they 
are  shown  ;  they  engage,  they  captivate,  more 
than  things  of  much  greater  importance.  The 
duties  of  social  life  everv  man  is  obliged  to  dis- 

V  * ' 

charge;  but  these  attentions  are  voluntary 
acts,  the  free  will  offerings  of  good  breeding  and 
good  nature ;  they  are  received,  remembered, 
and  returned  as  such.  Women,  particularly, 
have  a  right  to  them  ;  and  any  omission,  in  that 
respect,  is  downright  ill  breeding. 


210  GOOD    MANNERS. 

CONVERSATION. --When  you  are  in  company, 
bring  the  conversation  to  some  useful  subject, 
but  a  portee  of  that  company.  Points  of  history, 
matters  of  literature,  the  customs  of  particular 
countries,  the  several  orders  of  knighthood,  as 
Teutonic,  Maltese,  £c.,  are  surely  better  sub- 
jects of  conversation  than  the  weather,  dress, 
or  fiddle-faddle  stories,  that  carry  no  information 
along  with  them.  The  characters  of  kings,  and 
great  men,  are  only  to  be  learned  in  conversa- 
tion ;  for  they  are  never  fairly  written  during 
their  lives. 

HISTORICAL  FAITH. — Take  nothing  for  grant- 
ed, upon  the  bare  authority  of  the  author ;  but 
weigh  and  consider,  in  your  own  mind,  the  pro- 
bability of  the  facts,  and  the  justness  of  the 
reflections.  Consult  different  authors  upon  the 
same  facts,  and  form  your  opinion  upon  the 
greater  or  lesser  degree  of  probability  arising 
from  the  whole,  which,  in  my  mind,  is  the  ut- 
most stretch  of  historical  faith,  certainty  (I  fear) 
not  being  to  be  found. 

CONTEMPT. — Every  man  is  not  ambitious,  or 
covetous,  or  passionate ;  but  every  man  has 
pride  enough  in  his  composition  to  feel  and 
resent  the  least  slight  and  contempt.  Remember, 
therefore,  most  carefully  to  conceal  your  con- 
tempt, however  just,  wherever  you  would  not 
make  an  implacable  enemy.  Men  are  much 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     211 

more  unwilling  to  have  their  weaknesses  and 
their  imperfections  known,  than  their  crimes; 
and,  if  you  hint  to  a  man,  that  you  think  him 
silly,  ignorant,  or  even  ill  bred,  or  awkward, 
he  will  hate  you  more  and  longer  than  if  you 
tell  him.  plainly,  that  you  think  him  a  rogue. 
Never  yield  to  that  temptation,  which,  to  most 
young  men,  is  very  strong,  of  exposing  other 
people's  weaknesses  and  infirmities,  for  the 
sake  either  of  diverting  the  company,  or  of 
showing  your  own  superiority.  You  may  get 
the  laugh  on  your  side  by  it,  for  the  present-, 
but  you  will  make  enemies  by  it  for  ever;  and 
even  those  who  laugh  with  you  then,  will,  upon 
reflection,  fear,  and  consequently  hate  you  : 
besides  that,  it  is  ill-natured  ;  and  that  a  good 
heart  desires  rather  to  conceal,  than  expose, 
other  people's  weaknesses  or  misfortunes.  If 
you  have  wit,  use  it  to  please,  and  not  to  hurt : 
you  may  shine,  like  the  sun  in  the  temperate 
zones,  without  scorching.  Here  it  is  wished 
for ;  under  the  line  it  ia  dreaded. 

SECRETS. — The  last  observation,  that  1  sholl 
now  mention  of  the  Cardinal's  is,  ll  That  a 
secret  is  more  easily  kept  by  a  good  many  peo- 
ple, than  one  commonly  imagines."  By  this 
he  K  eans  a  secret  of  importance,  among  people 
interested  in  the  keeping  of  it.  And  it  is  certain 
fjUat  people  of  business  know  the  importance 


2"i2  GOOD    MANNERS. 

cf  secrecy,  and  will  observe  it,  v*hei<e  they  ure 
concerned  in  the  event.  To  go  and  tell  any 
friend,  wife,  or  mistress,  any  secret  with  which 
they  have  nothing  to  do,  is  discovering  to  them 
Buch  an  unretentive  weakness,  as  must  .convince 

i 

them  that  you  will  tell  it  to  twenty  others,  and 
consequently  that  they  may  reveal  it  without 
the  risk  of  being  discovered.  But  a  secret 
properly  communicated,  only  to  those  who  are 
to  be  concerned  in  the  thing  in  question,  will 
probably  be  kept  by  them,  though  they  should 
be  a  good  many.  Little  secrets  are  commonly 
told  again,  but  great  ones  generally  kept. 

GOOD  COMPANY.  —  To  keep  good  company, 
especially  at  your  first  setting  out,  is  the  way 
to  receive  good  impressions.  If  you  ask  me 
what  I  mean  by  good  company,  I  will  confess 
to  you,  that  it  is  pretty  difficult  to  define ;  but  I 
will  endeavor  to  make  you  understand  it  as  wel] 
as  I  can. 

Good  company  is  not  what  respective  sets  of 
company  are  pleased  either  to  call  or  think 
themselves ;  but  it  is  that  company  which  all 
the  people  of  the  place  call,  and  acknowledge 
to  be,  good  company,  notwithstanding  some  ob- 
jections which  they  may  form  to  some  of  the 
individuals  who  compose  it.  It  consists  chiefly 
(but  by  no  means  without  exception)  of  people 
of  considerable  birth,  rank,  and  character:  for 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     213 

people  of  neither  birth  nor  rank  are  frequently 
and  very  justly  admitted  into  it,  if  distinguished 
by  any  peculiar  merit,  or  eminency  in  any 
liberal  art  or  science.  Nay,  so  motley  a  thing 
is  good  company,  that  many  people,  without 
birth,  rank,  or  merit,  intrude  into  it  by  their 
own  forwardness,  and  others  slide  into  it  by 
the  protection  of  some  considerable  person  ; 
and  some  even  of  indifferent  characters  and 
morals  make  part  of  it.  But,  in  the  main,  the 
good  part  preponderates,  and  people  of  infamous 
and  blasted  characters  are  never  admitted.  In 
this  fashionable  good  company  the  best  man- 
ners and  the  best  language  of  the  place  are 
most  unquestionably  to  be  learnt ;  for  they  esta- 
blish, and  give  the  tone  to  both,  which  are 
therefore  called  the  language  and  manners  of 
good  company  ;  there  being  no  legal  tribunal  to 
ascertain  either. 

A  company  consisting  wholly  of  people  of 
the  first  quality  cannot,  for  that  reason,  be 
called  good  company,  in  the  common  acceptation 
of  the  phrase,  unless  they  are,  into  the  bargain, 
the  fashionable  and  accredited  company  of  the 
place  ;  for  people  of  the  very  first  quality  can 
be  as  silly,  as  ill  bred,  and  as  worthless,  as 
people  of  the  meanest  degree.  On  the  other 
hand,  a  company  consisting  entirely  of  people 
of  very  low  condition,  whatever  their  merit  or 
parts  may  be,  can  never  be  called  good  com- 


214  GOOD    MANNERS. 

pany ;    and  consequently  should   not  be  mucL 
frequented,  though  by  no  means  despised. 

A  company  wholly  composed  of  men  of  learn- 
ing, though  greatly  to  be  valued  and  respected, 
is  not  meant  by  the  words  good  company  :  they 
cannot  have  the  easy  manners  and  tournure  of 
the  world,  as  they  do  not  live  in  it.  If  you 
can  bear  your  part  well  in  such  a  company,  it 
is  extremely  right  to  be  in  it  sometimes,  and 
you  will  be  but  more  esteemed,  in  other  com- 
panies, for  having  a  place  in  that.  But  then 
do  not  let  it  engross  you;  for  if  you  do,  you 
will  be  only  considered  as  one  of  the  litterati 
by  profession  ;  which  is  not  the  way  either  to 
shine  or  rise  in  the  world. 

The  company  of  professed  wits  and  poets  is 
extremely  inviting  to  most  young  men  5  who  if 
they  have  wit  themselves,  are  pleased  with  it, 
and  if  they  have  none,  are  sillily  proud  of  being 
one  of  it:  but  it  should  be  frequented  with 
moderation  and  judgment,  and  you  should  by 
no  means  give  yourself  up  to  it.  A  wit  is  a 
very  unpopular  denomination,  as  it  carries  ter- 
ror along  with  it;  and  people  in  general  are  as 
much  afraid  of  a  live  wit,  in  company,  as  a 
woman  is  of  a  gun,  which  she  thinks  may  go 
off  of  itself,  and  do  her  a  mischief.  Their 
acquaintance  is,  however,  worth  seeking,  and 
their  company  worth  frequenting ;  but  not  ex- 
clusively of  others,  nor  to  such  a  degree  as 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     215 

to  be  considered  only  as  one  of  that  particulai 
set. 

But  the  company,  which  of  all  others  you 
should  most  carefully  avoid,  is  that  low  com- 
pany, which,  in  every  sense  of  the  word,  is  low 
indeed  ;  low  in  rank,  low  in  parts,  low  in  man- 
ners, and  low  in  merit. 

BEHAVIOR. — Imitate,  then,  with  discernment 
and  judgment,  the  real  perfections  of  the  good 
company  into  which  you  may  get ;  copy  their 
politeness,  their  carriage,  their  address,  and  the 
easy  and  well-bred  turn  of  their  conversation  ; 
but  remember,  that,  let  them  shine  ever  so 
bright,  their  vices,  if  they  have  any,  are  so 
many  spots,  which  you  would  no  more  imitate 
than  you  would  make  an  artificial  wart  upon 
your  face,  because  some  very  handsome  man 
had  the  misfortune  to  have  a  natural  one  upon 
his;  but,  on  the  contrary,  think  how  much 
handsomer  he  would  have  been  without  it. 

TALKING. — Talk  often,  but  never  long;  in 
that  case,  if  you  do  not  please,  at  least  you  are 
sure  not  to  tire  your  hearers.  Pay  your  own 
reckoning,  but  do  not  treat  the  whole  company  ; 
this  being  one  of  the  very  few  cases  in  which 
people  do  not  care  to  be  treated,  every  one 
being  fully  convinced  that  he  has  wherewithal 
to  pay. 

Tell  stories  very  seldom,  and  absolutely  never 
15 


216  .     GOOD    MANNERS. 

but  where  they  are  very  apt,  and  very  short. 
Omit  every  circumstance  that  is  not  material, 
and  beware  of  digressions.  To  have  frequent 
recourse  to  narrative  betrays  great  want  of  im- 
agination. 

Never  hold  anybody  by  the  button,  or  the 
hand,  in  order  to  be  heard  out;  for,  if  people 
are  not  willing  to  hear  you,  you  had  much  bet- 
ter hold  your  tongue  than  them. 

Most  long  talkers  single  out  some  one  un- 
fortunate man  in  company  (commonly  him 
whom  they  observe  to  be  the  most  silent,  or 
their  next  neighbor)  to  whisper,  or  at  least,  in 
a  half  voice,  to  convey  a  continuity  of  words 
to.  This  is  excessively  ill  bred,  and,  in  some 
degree,  a  fraud ;  conversation  stock  being  a 
joint  and  common  property.  But,  on  the  other 
hand,  if  one  of  these  unmerciful  talkers  lays 
hold  of  you,  hear  him  with  patience  (and  at 
least  seeming  attention),  if  he  is  worth  obliging  ; 
for  nothing  will  oblige  him  more  than  a  patient 
hearing,  as  nothing  would  hurt  him  more,  than 
either  to  leave  him  in  the  midst  of  bis  discourse, 
or  to  discover  your  impatience  under  your 
affliction. 

Take  rather  than  give,  the  tone  of  the  com- 
pany you  are  in.  If  you  have  parts,  you  will 
show  them,  more  or  less,  upon  every  subject: 
and  if  you  have  not,  you  had  better  talk  sillily 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     217 

upon  a  subject  of  other  people's  than  of  your 
own  choosing. 

Avoid  as  much  as  you  can,  in  mixed  com- 
panies, argumentative,  polemical  conversations , 
which,  though  they  should  not,  yet  certainly 
do,  indispose,  for  a  time,  the  contending  parties 
towards  each  other :  and,  if  the  controversy 
grows  warm  and  noisy,  endeavor  to  put  an 
end  to  it  by  some  genteel  levity  or  joke.  I 
quieted  such  a  conversation  hubbub  once,  by 
representing  to  them  that,  though  I  was  per- 
suaded none  there  present  would  repeat,  out 
of  company,  what  passed  in  it,  yet  I  could  not 
answer  for  the  discretion  of  the  passengers  in 
the  street,  who  must  necessarily  hear  all  that 
was  said. 

Above  all  things,  and  upon  all  occasions, 
avoid  speaking  of  yourself,  if  it  be  possible. 
Such  is  the  natural  pride  and  vanity  of  our 
hearts,  that  it  perpetually  breaks  out,  even  in 
people  of  the  best  parts,  in  all  the  various 
modes  and  figures  of  the  egotism. 

SILLY  VANITY. — This  principle  of  vanity  and 
pride  is  so  strong  in  human  nature,  that  it  de- 
scends even  to  the  lowest  objects  ;  and  one  often 
sees  people  angling  for  praise,  where,  admitting 
all  they  say  to  be  true  (which,  by  the  way,  it 
seldom  is),  no  just  praise  is  to  be  caught.  One 
man  affirms  that  he  has  rode  post  a  hundred 


218  GOOD    MANNERS. 

miles  in  six  hours :  probably  it  is  a  lie ;  but 
supposing  it  to  be  true,  what  then?  Why  he 
is  a  very  good  postboy,  that  is  all.  Another 
asserts,  and  probably  not  Avithout  oaths,  that 
he  has  drunk  six  or  eight  bottles  of  wine  at  a 
sitting  :  out  of  charity  I  will  believe  him  a  liar  ; 
for,  if  I  do  not,  I  must  think  him  a  beast. 

YOURSELF. — The  only  sure  way  of  avoiding 
these  evils  is,  never  to  speak  of  yourself  at  all. 
But  when,  historically,  you  are  obliged  to  men- 
tion yourself,  take  care  not  to  drop  one  single 
word,  that  can  directly  or  indirectly  be  con- 
strued as  fishing  for  applause.  Be  your  char- 
acter what  it  will,  it  will  be  known  ;  and  no- 
body will  take  it  upon  your  own  word.  Never 
imagine  that  anything  you  can  s&y  yourself 
will  varnish  your  defects,  or  add  lustre  to  your 
perfections ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  it  may,  and 
nine  times  in  ten  will,  make  the  former  more 
glaring,  and  the  latter  obscure.  If  you  are 
silent  upon  your  own  subject,  neither  envy, 
indignation,  or  ridicule  will  obstruct  or  allay 
the  applause  which  you  may  really  deserve ; 
but  if  you  publish  your  own  panegyric,  upon 
any  occasion,  or  in  any  shape  whatsoever,  and 
however  artfully  dressed  or  disguised,  they  will 
all  conspire  against  you,  and  you  will  be  disap- 
pointed of  the  very  end  you  aim  at. 

SCANDAL — MIMICRY — SWEARING — LAUGHTER 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     219 

— Neither  retail  nor  receive  scandal,  willingly  $ 
for  though  the  defamation  of  others  may,  for 
the  present,  gratify  the  malignity  of  the  pride 
of  our  hearts,  cool  reflection  will  draw  very 
disadvantageous  conclusions  from  such  a  dis- 
position :  and  in  the  case  of  scandal,  as  in  that 
of  robbery,  the  receiver  is  always  thought  as 
bad  as  the  thief. 

Mimicry,  which  is  the  common  and  favorite 
amusement  of  little,  low  ininds>  is  in  the  utmost 
contempt  with  great  ones.  It  is  the  lowest  and 
most  ill'iberal  of  all  buffoonery.  Pray,  neither 
practise  it  yourself,  nor  applaud  it  in  others. 
Besides  that,  the  person  mimicked  is  insulted ; 
and,  as  I  have  often  observed  to  you  before,  an. 
insult  is  never  forgiven. 

I  need  not  (I  believe)  advise  you  to  adapt 
your  conversation  to  the  people  you  are  con- 
versing with :  for  I  suppose  you  would  not, 
without  this  caution,  have  talked  upon  the  same 
subject,  and  in  the  same  manner,  to  a  minister 
of  state,  a  bishop,  a  philosopher,  a  captain,  and 
a  woman.  A  man  of  the  world  must,  like  the 
cameleon  be  able  to  take  every  different  hue ; 
which  is  by  no  means  a  criminal  or  abject, 
but  a  necessary  complaisance,  for  it  relates  only 
to  manners,  and  not  to  morals. 

One  word  only,  as  to  swearing;  and  that,  I 
hope  and  believe,  is  more  than  is  necessary 
You  may  sometime?  hear  some  people,  in  good 


220  GOOD    MANNERS 

company,  interlard  their  discourse  with  oaths, 
by  way  of  embellishment,  as  they  think  ;  but 
you  must  observe,  too,  that  those  who  do  so  are 
never  those  who  contribute,  in  any  degree,  to 
give  that  company  the  denomination  of  good 
company.  They  are  always  subalterns,  or 
people  of  low  education  j  tor  that  practice, 
besides  that  it  has  no  one  temptation  to  plead, 
is  as  silly,  and  as  illiberal,  as  it  is  wicked. 

Loud  laughter  is  the  mirth  of  the  mob,  who 
are  only  pleased  with  silly  things  ;  for  true  wit 
or  good  sense  never  excited  a  laugh,  since  the 
creation  of  the  world.  A  man  of  parts*  arid 
fashon  is  therefore  only  seen  to  smile,  but  never 
heard  to  laugh. 

REFLECTION — ITS  USE. — Use  and  assert  your 
own  reason  5  reflect,  examine,  and  analyze  every- 
thing, in  order  to  form  a  sound  and  mature 
judgment ;  let  not  others'  dicta  impose  upon  your 
understanding,  mislead  your  actions,  or  dictate 
your  conversation.  Be  early,  what,  if  you  are 
not,  you  will,  when  too  late,  wish  you  had  been. 
Consult  your  reason  betimes:  I  do  not  say,  that 
it  will  always  prove  an  unerring  guide ;  for 
human  reason  is  not  infallible:  but  it  will 
prove  the  least  erring  guide  that  you  can  follow. 
Books  and  conversation  may  assist  it;  but  adopt 
neither,  blindly  and  inplicitly  ;  try  both  by  that 
best  rule,  which  God  has  given  to  direct  us, 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     221 

Reason.  Of  all  the  troubles  do  not  decline,  as 
many  people  do,  that  of  thinking.  The  herd 
of  mankind  can  hardly  be  said  to  think ;  their 
notions  are  almost  all  adoptive  ;  and,  in  general, 
I  believe  it  is  better  that  it  should  be  so ;  as 
such  common  prejudices  contribute  more  to 
order  and  quiet,  than  their  own  separate  reason- 
ings would  do,  uncultivated  and  unimproved  as 
they  are. 

TEMPER. — The  principal  of  these  things,  is 
the  mastery  of  one's  temper,  and  that  coolness 
of  mind,  and  serenity  of  countenance,  which 
hinders  us  from  discovering,  by  words,  actions, 
or  even  looks,  those  passions  or  sentiments,  by 
which  we  are  inwardly  moved  or  agitated ;  and 
the  discovery  of  which,  gives  cooler  and  abler 
people  such  infinite  advantages  over  us,  not 
only  in  great  business,  but  in  all  the  most  com- 
mon occurrences  of  life.  A  man  who  does  not 
possess  himself  enough  to  hear  disagreeable 
things,  without  visible  marks  of  anger  and 
change  of  countenance,  or  agreeable  ones  with- 
out sudden  bursts  of  joy  and  expansion  of 
countenance,  is  at  the  mercy  of  every  artful 
knave,  or  pert  coxcomb :  the  former  will  pro- 
voke or  please  you  by  design,  to  catch  unguarded 
words  or  looks  ;  by  which  he  will  easily  decipher 
the  secrets  of  your  heart,  of  which  you  should 


222  GOOD    MANNERS. 

keep  the  key  yourself,  and  trust  it  with  no  man 
living. 

IMMOBILITY. — Determine,  too,  to  keep  your 
countenance  as  unmoved  and  unembarrassed  as 
possible  ;  which  steadiness  you  may  get  a  habit 
of,  by  constant  attention.  I  should  desire 
nothing  better,  in  any  negotiation,  than  to  have 
to  do  with  one  of  these  men  of  warm,  quick 
passions ;  which  I  would  take  care  to  set  in 
motion.  By  artful  provocations,  I  would  extort 
rash  and  unguarded  expressions  ;  and,  by  hint- 
ing at  all  the  several  things  that  I  could  suspect, 
infallibly  discover  the  true  one,  by  the  alteration 
it  occasioned  in  the  countenance  of  the  person. 
V6lto  sciolto  con  pen.neri  strdtti  (An  open  face 
with  a  close  (or  secret)  mind)  is  a  most  useful 
maxim  in  business. 

THE  EASY  MOMENT. — Some  people  are  to  be 
reasoned,  some  flattered,  some  intimidated,  and 
some  teased  into  a  thing;  but,  in  general,  all 
are  to  be  brought  into  it  at  last,  if  skilfullv 

o  ** 

applied  to,  properly  managed,  and  indefatigably 
attacked  in  their  several  weak  places.  The 
time  should  likewise  be  judiciously  chosen  : 
every  man  has  his  mollia  tempora,  but  that  is 
far  from  being  all  day  long;  and  you  "would 
choose  your  time  very  ill,  if  you  applied  to  a 
man  about  one  business,  when  his  head  was 
full  of  another,  or  when  his  heart  was  full  of 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     223 

grief,  anger,  or  any-  other   disagreeable   senti 
ment. 

JUDGE  OF  OTHERS  BY  YOURSELF. — Tn  order  to 
judge  of  the  inside  of  others,  study  your  own  ; 
for  men  in  general  are  very  much  alike  ;  and 
though  one  has  one  prevailing  passion,  and 
another  has  another,  yet  their  operations  are 
much  the  same  ;  and  whatever  engages  or  dis- 
gusts, pleases  or  offends  you,  in  others,  will, 
mutatis  mutandis,  engage,  disgust,  please,  or 
offend  others,  in  you. 

SMART  SAYINGS. — The  temptation  of  saying  a 
smart  and  witty  thing,  or  bon  mot,  and  the 
malicious  applause  with  which  it  is  commonly 
received,  have  made  people  who  can  say  them, 
and,  still  oftener,  people  who  think  they*can, 
but  cannot,  and  yet  try,  more  enemies,  and 
implacable  ones  too,  than  any  one  other  thing 
that  I  know  of.  When  such  things,  then,  shall 
happen  to  be  said  at  your  expense  (as  some- 
times they  certainly  will),  reflect  seriously  upon 
the  sentiments  of  uneasiness,  anger,  and  resent- 
ment, which  they  excite  in  you  ;*and  consider 
whether  it  can  be  prudent,  by  the  same  means, 
to  excite  the  same  sentiments  in  others,  against 
you.  It  is  a  decided  folly,  to  lose  a  friend 
for  a  jest;  but,  in  my  mind,  it  is  not  a  much 
less  degree  of  folly,  to  make  an  enemy  of  an 
indifferent  and  neutral  person,  for  the  sake  of 


224  GOOD    MANNERS. 

a  bon  mot.  When  things  of  this  kind  happen 
to  be  said  of  you,  the  most  prudent  way  is  to 
seem  not  to  suppose  that  they  are  meant  at  you, 
but  to  dissemble  and  conceal  whatever  degree 
of  anger  you  may  feel  inwardly ;  and  should 
they  be  so  plain,  that  you  cannot  be  supposed 
ignorant  of  their  meaning,  to  join  in  the  laugh 
of  the  company  against  yourself;  acknowledge 
the  hit  to  be  a  fair  one,  and  the  jest  a  good  one, 
and  play  off  the  whole  thing  in  seeming  good 
humor:  but  by  no  means  reply  in  the  same 
way  ;  which  only  shows  that  you  are  hurt,  and 
publishes  the  victory  which  you  might  have 
concealed.  Should  the  thing  said,  indeed, 
injure  your  honor,  or  moral  character,  there  is 
but  one  proper  reply  ;  which  I  hope  you  never 
will  have  occasion  to  make. 

WOMEN  OF  FASHION. --They  are  a  numerous 
and  loquacious  body :  their  hatred  would  be 
more  prejudicial,  than  their  friendship  can  be 
advantageous  to  you.  A  general  complaisance 
and  attention  to  that  sex  is,  therefore,  estab- 
lished by  custom,  and  certainly  necessary.  But 
where  you  would  particularly  please  any  one, 
whose  situation,  interest,  or  connections  can  be 
of  use  to  you,  you  must  show  particular  pre- 
ference. The  least  attentions  please,  the  great- 
est charm  them.  The  innocent,  but  pleasing 
flattery  of  their  persons,  however  gross,  is 


CHESTERFIELD'^  MAXIMS.  ETC.     225 

greedily  swallowed,  and  kindly  digested,  but 
a  seeming  regard  for  their  understandings,  a 
seeming  desire  of,  and  deference  for  their  advice, 
together  with  a  seeming  confidence  in  their 
moral  virtues,  turns  their  head  entirely  in  your 
favor.  Nothing  shocks  them  so  much  as  the 
least  appearance  of  that  contempt,  which  they 
are  apt  to  suspect  men  of  entertaining  of  their 
capacities  :  and  you  may  be  very  sure  of  gaining 
their  friendship,  if  you  seem  to  think  it  worth 
gaming.  Here,  dissimulation  is  very  often 
necessary,  and  even  simulation  sometimes  allow- 
able ;  which,  as  it  pleases  them,  may  be  useful 
to  you,  and  is  injurious  to  nobody. 

TRIFLES. — Great  merit,  or  great  failings,  will 
make  you  respected  or  despised ;  but  trifles, 
little  attentions,  mere  nothings,  either  done,  or 
neglected,  will  make  you  either  liked  or  dis- 
liked, in  the  general  run  of  the  world.  Ex- 
amine yourself,  why  you  like  such  and  such 
people,  and  dislike  such  and  such  others  ;  and 
you  will  find  that  those  different  sentiments 
proceed  from  very  slight  causes.  Moral  virtues 
are  the  foundation  of  society  in  general,  and 
of  friendship  in  particular;  but  attentions, 
manners,  and  graces  both  adorn  and  strengthen 
them. 

DIGNITY  OF  MANNERS. — There  is  a  certain 
dignity  of  manners  absolutely  necessary,  tc 


226  GOOD    MANNERS. 

make  even  the  most  valuable  character  either 
respected  or  respectable. 

Horse-play,  romping,  frequent  and  loud  fits 
of  laughter,  jokes,  waggery,  and  indiscriminate 
familiarity,  will  sink  both  merit  and  knowledge 
into  a  degree  of  contempt.  They  compose  at 
most  a  merry  fellow  ;  and  a  merry  fellow  was 
never  yet  a  respectable  man.  Indiscriminate 
familiarity  either  offends  your  superiors,  or  else 
dubs  you  their  dependant,  and  led  captain.  It 
gives  your  inferiors  just  but  troublesome  and 
improper  claims  of  equality  A  joker  is  near 
akin  to  a  buffoon  :  and  neither  of  them  is  th? 
least  related  to  wit.  Whoever  is  admitted  or 
sought  for,  in  company,  upon  any  other  account 
than  that  of  his  merit  and  manners,  is  never 
respected  there,  but  only  made  use  of.  We  will 
have  such-a-one,  for  he  sings  prettily;  we  will 
invite  such-a-one  to  a  ball,  for  he  dances  well; 
we  will  have  such-a-one  at  supper,  for  he  is 
always  joking  and  laughing;  we  will  ask 
another,  because  he  plays  deep  at  all  games,  or 
because  he  can  drink  a  great  deal.  These  are 
vilifying  distinctions,  mortifying  preferences, 
and  exclude  all  ideas  of  esteem  and  regard. 
Whoever  is  had  (as  it  is  called)  in  company, 
for  the  sake  of  any  one  thing  singly,  is  singly 
that  thing,  and  will  never  be  considered  in  any 
other  light ;  consequently  never  respected,  let 
his  merits  be  what  they  will. 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS.  ETC.     227 

DANCING. — Learn  to  dance,  not  so  much  for 
the  sake  of  dancing,  as  for  coming  into  a  room, 
and  presenting  yourself  genteelly  and  grace- 
fully. Women,  whom  you  ought  to  endeavor 
to  please,  cannot  forgive  a  vulgar  and  awkward 
air  and  gestures;  il  ieur  faut  du  brillant.  The 

e^  c. 

generality  of  men  are  pretty  like  them,  and  are 
equally  taken  by  the  same  exterior  graces. 

THE  VULGAR  MAN. — TRIFLES. — VULGARISM. — 
A  vulgar  man  is  captious  and  jealous  ;  eager 
and  impetuous  about  trifles.  He  suspects  him- 
self to  be  slighted,  thinks  everything  that  is  said 
meant  at  him ;  if  the  company  happens  to 
laugh,  he  is  persuaded  they  laugh  at  him ;  he 
grows  angry  and  testy,  says  something  very 
impertinent,  and  draws  himself  into  a  scrape, 
by  showing  what  he  calls  a  proper  spirit, 
and  asserting  himself.  A  man  of  fashion  does 
not  suppose  himself  to  be  either  the  sole  or 
principal  object  of  the  thoughts,  looks,  or 
words  of  the  company ;  and  never  suspects 
that  he  is  either  slighted  or  laughed  at,  unless 
he  is  conscious  that  he  deserves  it.  And  if 
(which  very  seldom  happens)  the  company 
is  absurd  or  ill-bred  enough  to  do  either,  he 
does  not  care  twopence,  unless  the  insult  be 
so  gross  and  plain  as  to  require  satisfaction  of 
another  kind.  As  he  is  above  trifles,  he  is 
ne'rer  vehement  and  eager  about  them ;  and, 


228  GOOD    MANNERS. 

wherever  they  are  concerned,  rather  acquiesces 
than  wrangles.  A  vulgar  man's  conversation 
always  savors  strongly  of  the  lowness  of  his 
education  and  company.  It  turns  chiefly  upon 
his  domestic  affairs,  his  servants,  the  excellent 
order  he  keeps  in  his  own  family,  and  the  little 
anecdotes  of  the  neighborhood ;  all  which  he 
relates  with  emphasis,  as  interesting  matters. 
He  is  a  man  gossip. 

Vulgarism  in  language  is  the  next,  and  dis- 
tinguishing characteristic  of  bad  company,  and 
a  bad  education.  A  man  of  fashion  avoids 
nothing  with  more  care  than  that.  Proverbial 
expressions,  and  trite  sayings,  are  the  flowers 
of  the  rhetoric  of  a  vulgar  man.  Would  he  say, 
that  men  differ  in  their  tastes,  he  both  supports 
and  adorns  that  opinion,  by  the  good  old  saying, 
as  he  respectfully  calls  it,  that  what  is  one  man's 
meat  is  another  man's  poison.  If  anybody 
attempts  being  smart,  as  he  calls  it,  upon  him, 
he  gives  them  tit  for  tat,  ay,  that  he  does.  lie 
has  always  some  favorite  word  for  the  time 
being,  which,  for  the  sake  of  using  often,  he 
commonly  abuses.  Such  as  vastly  angry,  vastly 
kind,  vastly  handsome,  and  vastly  ugly.  Even 
his  pronunciation  of  proper  words  carries  the 
mark  of  the  beast  along  with  it.  He  calls  the 
earth  yeartli ;  he  is  obleiged,  not  obliged  to  you. 
He  goes  to  -wards,  and  not  towards  such  a  place. 
He  sometimes  affects  hard  words,  by  ^ay  of 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     229 

ornament,  which  he  always  mangles  like  a 
learned  woman.  A  man  of  fashion  never  has 
recourse  to  proverbs,  and  vulgar  aphorisms  ; 
uses  neither  favorite  words  nor  hard  words  ;  but 
takes  great  care  to  speak  very  correctly  and 
grammatically,  and  to  pronounce  properly  j  that 
is,  according  to  the  usage  of  the  best  companies. 

MIXED  COMPANY,  LEARNING,  PEDANTS. — In 
mixed  companies,  whoever  is  admitted  to  make 
Dart  of  them  is,  for  the  time  at  least,  supposed 
to  be  upon  a  footing  of  equality  with  the  rest ; 
and,  consequently,  as  there  is  no  one  principal 
object  of  awe  and  respect,  people  are  apt  to 
take  a  greater  latitude  in  their  behavior,  and  to 
ne  less  upon  their  guard  ;  and  so  they  may,  pro- 
vided it  be  within  certain  bounds,  which  are 
upon  no  occasion  to  be  transgressed.  But,  upon 
these  occasions,  though  no  one  is  entitled  to  dis- 
tinguished marks  of  respect,  every  one  claims, 
and  very  justly,  every  mark  of  civility  and  good 
breeding.  Ease  is  allowed,  but  carelessness 
and  negligence  are  strictly  forbidden.  If  a 
man  accosts  you,  and  talks  to  you  ever  so  dully 
or  frivolously,  it  is  worse  than  rudeness,  it  is 
brutality,  to  show  him,  by  a  manifest  inatten- 
tion to  what  he  says,  that  you  think  him  a  fool 
or  a  blockhead,  and  not  worth  hearing.  It  is 
much  more  so  with  regard  to  women ;  who,  of 
whatever  rank  they  are,  are  entitled,  in  consi- 


230  GOOD    MANNERS. 

deration  of  their  sex,  not  only  to  an  attentive, 
but  an  officious  good  breeding  from  men. 

Too  READY  FRIENDS. — Be  upon  your  guard 
against  those,  who,  upon  very  slight  acquaint- 
ance, obtrude  their  unasked  and  unmerited 
friendship  and  confidence  upon  you;  for  they 
probably  cram  you  with  them  only  for  their 
own  eating:  but,  at  the  same  time,  do  not 
roughly  reject  them  upon  that  general  supposi- 
tion. Examine  further,  and  see  whether  those 
unexpected  offers  flow  from  a  warm  heart  and 
a  silly  head,  or  from  a  designing  head  and  a 
cold  heart ;  for  knavery  and  folly  have  often  the 
same  symptoms.  In  the  first  case,  there  is  no 
danger  in  accepting  them,  valeant  quantum  valere 
possunt.  Jn  the  latter  case,  it  may  be  useful 
to  seem  to  accept  them,  and  artfully  to  turn  the 
battery  upon  him  who  raised  it. 

There  is  an  iricontinency  of  friendship  among 
young  fellows,  who  are  associated  by  their  mu- 
tual pleasures  only  ;  which  has,  very  frequently, 
bad  consequences.  A  parcel  of  warm  hearts, 
und  unexperienced  heads,  heated  by  convivial 
mirth,  and  possibly  a  little  too  much  wine, 
vow,  and  really  mean  at  the  time,  eternal 
friendships  to  each  other,  and  indiscreetly  pour 
out  their  whole  souls  in  common,  and  without 
the  least  reserve.  These  confidences  are  as  in- 
discreetly repealed,  as  they  were  made:  for  new 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     231 


pleasures,  and  new  places,  soon  dissolve  this 
ill-cemented  connection  :  and  then  very  ill  uses 
are  made  of  these  rash  confidences.  Bear  your 
part,  however,  in  young  companies  ;  nay,  excel 
if  you  can,  in  all  the  social  and  convivial  joy 
and  festivity  that  become  youth.  Trust  them 
with  your  love-tales,  if  you  please;  but  keep 
your  serious  views  secret. 

PRIDE  AND  PEDANTRY. — The  costly  liberality 
of  a  purse  proud  man,  insults  the  distresses  it 
sometimes  relieves  ;  he  takes  care  to  make  you 
feel  your  own  misfortunes,  and  the  difference 
between  your  situation  and  his ;  both  which  he 
insinuates  to  be  justly  merited:  yours,  by  your 
folly,  his.  by  his  wisdom.  The  arrogant  pedant 
does  not  communicate,  but  promulgates  his 
knowledge.  He  does  not  give  it  you,  but  he 
inflicts  it  upon  you;  and  is  (if  possible)  more 
desirous  to  show  you  your  own  ignorance,  than 
his  own  learning.  Such  manners  as  these,  not 
only  in  the  particular  instances  which  I  have 
mentioned,  but  likewise  in  all  others,  shock  and 
revolt  that  little  pride  and  vanity,  which  every 
man  has  in  his  heart;  and  obliterate  in  us  the 
obligation  for  the  favor  conferred,  by  reminding 
us  of  the  motive  which  produced,  and  the  man- 
ner which  accompanied  it. 

MORAL    CHARACTER. — Your   moral   charactei 
must  be  not  only  pure,  but,  like  Cassar's  wile 
16 


232  GOOD    MANNERS. 

unsuspected.  The  least  speck  or  blemish  upon 
it  is  fatal.  Nothing  degrades  and  vilifies  :more, 
fur  it  excites  and  unites  detestation  and  con- 
tempt. There  are,  however,  wretches  in  the 
world  profligate  enough  to  explode  all  notions 
of  moral  good  and  evil ;  to  maintain  that  they 
are  merely  local,  and  depend  entirely  upon  the 
customs  and  fashions  of  different  countries : 
nay,  there  are  still,  if  possible,  more  unaccount- 
able wretches ;  I  mean,  those  who  affect  to 
preach  and  propagate  such  absurd  and  infamous 
notions,  without  believing  them  themselves. 
These  are  the  devil's  hypocrites.  Avoid,  as 
much  as  possible,  the  company  of  such  people; 
who  reflect  a  degree  of  discredit  and  infamy 
upon  all  who  converse  with  them.  But  as  you 
may,  sometimes,  by  accident,  fall  into  such 
company,  take  great  care  that  no  complaisance, 
no  good-humor,  no  warmth  of  festal  mirth, 
ever  make  you  seem  even  to  acquiesce,  much 
less  to  approve  or  applaud,  such  infamous  doc- 
trines. On  the  other  hand ;  do  not  debate,  nor 
enter  into  serious  argument,  upon  a  subject  so 
much  below  it :  but  content  yourself  with  telling 
these  apostiles,  that  you  know  they  are  not 
serious;  that  you  have  a  much  better  opinion 
of  them  than  they  would  have  you  have  ;  and 
that,  you  are  very  sure,  they  would  not  practise 
the  doctrine  they  preach.  But  put  your  private 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETO.     233 

mark  upon  them,  and  shun  them  for  ever  after- 
wards. 

LAZY  PEOPLE — DESPATCH — How  TO  READ. — 
Many  people  lose  a  great  deal  of  their  time  by 
laziness ;  they  loll  and  yawn  in  a  great  3hair, 
tell  themselves  that  they  have  not  time  to  begin 
anything  then,  and  that  it  will  do  as  well  an- 
other time.  This  is  a  most  unfortunate  dispo- 
sition, and  the  greatest  obstruction  to  both 
knowledge  and  business.  At  your  age,  you 
have  no  right  nor  claim  to  laziness :  I  have,  if 
I  please,  being  emwitus.  You  are  but  just 
listed  in  the  world,  and  must  be  active,  diligent, 
indefatigable.  If  ever  you  propose  command- 
ing with  dignity,  you  must  serve  up  to  it  with 
diligence.  Never  put  off  till  to-morrow  what 
you  can  do  to-day. 

Despatch  is  the  soul  of  business  ;  and  nothing 
contributes  more  to  despatch,  than  method. 
Lay  down  a  method  for  everything,  and  stick 
to  it  inviolably,  as  far  as  unexpected  incidents 
may  allow.  Fix  one  certain  hour  and  day  in 
the  week  for  your  accounts,  and  keep  them  to- 
gether in  their  proper  order  ;  by  which  means 
they  will  require  very  little  time,  and  you  can 
never  be  much  cheated.  Whatever  letters  and 
papers  you  keep,  docket  and  tie  them  up  in  their 
respective  classes,  so  that  you  may  instantly 
have  recourse  to  any  one.  Lay  down  a  method 


234  GOOD    MANNERS. 

also  for  your  reading,  for  which  you  allot  a 
certain  share  of  your  mornings  ;  let  it  be  in  a 
consistent  and  consecutive  course,  and  not  in 
that  desultory  and  unmethodical  manner,  in 
which  many  people  read  scraps  of  different 
authors,  upon  different  subjects.  Keep  a  useful 
and  short  common-place  book  of  what  you  read, 
to  help  your  memory  only,  and  not  for  pedantic 
quotations.  Never  read  history  without  having 
maps,  and  a  chronological  book,  or  tables,  lying 
by  you,  and  constantly  recurred  to  ;  without 
which  history  is  only  a  confused  heap  of  facts. 
One  method  more  I  recommend  to  you,  by  which 
I  have  found  great  benefit,  even  in  the  most 
dissipated  part  of  my  life ;  that  is,  to  rise  early, 
and  at  the  same  hour  every  morning,  how  late 
soever  you  may  have  sat  up  the  night  before. 
This  secures  you  an  hour  or  two,  at  least,  of 
reading  or  reflection,  before  the  common  inter- 
ruptions of  the  morning  begin  ;  and  it  will  save 
your  constitution,  by  forcing  you  to  go  to  bed 
early,  at  least  one  night  in  three. 

AIM  HIGH. — Aim  at  perfection  in  everything, 
tliDugh  in  most  things  it  is  unattainable  5  how- 
ever, they  who  aim  at  it,  and  persevere,  will 
come  much  nearer  it,  than  those,  whose  laziness 
and  despondency  make  them  give  it  up  as  un- 
attainable. Magnis  tamen  excidit  ausis  is  a  de- 
gree of  praise  \\hich  will  always  attend  a  noble 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     235 

and  shining  temerity,  and  a  much  better  sign 
in  a  young  fellow,  than  serpere  humi,  tutus 
nimium  timidusque  procellce,  for  men,  as  well 
as  women. 

A  TRUTH. — Pleasure  is  necessarily  reciprocal ; 
no  one  feels  who  does  not  at  the  same  time  give 
it.  To  be  pleased,  one  must  please.  What 
pleases  you  in  others,  will  in  general  please 
them  in  yon. 

LEARNED  IGNORANCE. — A  man  of  the  best 
parts,  and  the  greatest  learning,  if  he  does  not 
know  the  world  by  his  own  experience  and  ob- 
servation, will  be  very  absurd ;  and  conse- 
quently, very  unwelcome  in  company.  He  may 
say  very  good  things ;  but  they  will  probably  be 
so  ill  timed,  misplaced,  or  improperly  addressed, 
that  he  had  much  better  hold  his  tongue.  Full 
of  his  own  matter,  and  uninformed  of,  or  inat- 
tentive to,  the  particular  circumstances  and  situ 
ations  of  the  company,  he  vents  it  indiscrimi- 
nately :  he  puts  some  people  out  of  countenance ; 
he  shocks  others  ;  and  frightens  all,  who  dread 
what  may  come  out  next.  The  most  general 
rule  that  I  can  give  you  for  the  world,  and 
which  your  experience  will  convince  you  of  the 
truth  of,  is,  Never  to  give  the  tone  to  the  com- 
pany, but  to  take  it  from  them ;  and  to  labor 
more  to  put  them  in  conceit  with  themselves, 
than  to  make  them  admire  you.  Those  whom 


236  GOOD    MANNERS. 

you   can  make  like  themselves  better,  will,  1 
promise  you,  like  you  very  well. 

SMALL  TALK. — I  am  far  from  meaning  by 
this,  that  you  should  always  be  talking  wisely, 
in  company,  of  books,  history,  and  matters  of 
knowledge.  There  are  many  companies  which 
you  will,  and  ought  to  keep,  where  such  con- 
versations would  be  misplaced  and  ill-timed; 
your  own  good  sense  must  distinguish  the  com- 
pany, and  the  time.  You  must  trifle  with 
triflers  ;  and  be  serious  only  with  the  serious, 
but  dance  to  those  who  pipe.  Our  in  theatrum 
Cato  severe  venisti  ?  was  justly  said  to  an  old 
man :  how  much  more  so  would  it  be  to  one  of 
your  age  ?  From  the  moment  that  you  are 
dressed,  and  go  out,  pocket  all  your  knowledge 
with  your  watch,  and  never  pull  it  out  in  com- 
pany unless  desired:  the  producing  of  the  one 
unasked  implies  that  you  are  weary  of  the 
company-,  and  the  producing  of  the  other 
unrequired  will  make  the  company  weary  of 
you.  Company  is  a  republic  too  jealous  of  its 
liberties,  to  suffer  a  dictator  even  for  a  quarter 
of  an  hour ;  and  yet  in  that,  as  in  all  republics, 
there  are  some  few  who  really  govern,  but  then 
it  is  by  seeming  to  disclaim,  instead  of  attempt- 
ing to  usurp  the  power :  that  is  the  occasion  in 
which  manners,  dexterity,  address,  and  the 
undefinable  je  ne  sais  quoi  triumph  j  if  pro- 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     237 

perly  exerted,  their  conquest   is  sure,  and  tho 
more  lasting  for  not  being  perceived. 

How  TO  PLEASE. — An  air,  a  tone  of  voice,  a 
composure  of  countenance  to  mildness  and 
softness,  which  are  all  easily  acquired,  do  the 
"business;  and  without  farther  examination,  and 
possibly  with  the  contrary  qualities,  that  man 
is  reckoned  the  gentlest,  the  modestest,  and  the 
best  natured  man  alive.  Happy  the  man  who, 
with  a  certain  fund  of  parts  and  knowledge, 
gets  acquainted  with  the  world  early  enough  to 
make  it  his  bubble,  at  an  age  when  most  peo- 
ple are  the  bubbles  of  the  world  1  for  that  is 
the  common  case  of  youth.  They  grow  wiser 
when  it  is  too  late :  and,  ashamed  and  vexed 
at  having  been  bubbles  so  long,  too  often  turn 
knaves  at  last.  Do  not,  therefore,  trust  to  ap- 
pearances and  outside  yourself,  but  pay  other 
people  with  them,  because  you  may  be  sure 
that  nine  in  ten  of  mankind  do,  and  ever  will, 
trust  to  them.  This  is  by  no  means  a  criminal 
or  blameable  simulation,  if  not  used  with  an  ill 
intention.  I  am  by  no  means  blameable  in 
desiring  to  have  other  people's  good  word,  good 
will,  and  affection,  if  I  do  not  mean  to  abuse 
them.  Your  heart,  I  know,  is  good,  your  sense 
is  sound,  and  your  knowledge  extensive. 

NOTHING  BY  HALVES. — Whatever  business 
you  have,  do  it  the  first  moment  you  canj 


238  GOOD    MANNERS. 

never  by  halves,  but  finish  it  without  interrup- 
tion, if  possible.  Business  must  not  be  sauntered 
and  trilled  with ;  and  you  must  not  say  to  it, 
as  Felix  did  to  Paul,  "at  a  more  convenient 
season  I  will  speak  to  thee."  The  most  con- 
venient season  for  business,  is  the  first;  but 
study  and  business,  in  some  measure,  point 
out  their  own  times  to  a  man  of  sense  ;  time 
is  much  oftener  squandered  away  in  the  wrong 
choice  and  improper  methods  of  amusement 
and  pleasures. 

FORMATION  OF  MANNERS. — Nothing  forms  a 
young  man  so  much  as  being  used  to  keep 
respectable  and  superior  company,  where  a 
constant  regard  and  attention  is  necessary. 
It  is  true,  this  is  at  first  a  disagreeable  state  of 
restraint ;  but  it  soon  grows  habitual  and  con- 
sequently easy  ;  and  you  are  amply  paid  for  it, 
by  the  improvements  you  make,  and  the  credit 
it  gives  you. 

LEFT-HANDEDNESS. — An  awkward  address,  un- 
graceful attitudes  and  actions,  and  a  certain 
left-handedness  (if  I  may  use  that  word)  loudly 
proclaim  low  education  and  low  company  ;  for 
it  is  impossible  to  suppose  that  a  man  can 
have  frequented  good  company,  without  having 
catched  something,  at  least,  of  their  air  and 
motions.  A  new  raised  man  is  distinguished 
in  a  regiment  by  his  awkwardness ;  but  he  must 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     239 

be  impenetrably  dull,  if,  in  a  month  or  two's 
time,  he  cannot  perform  at  least  the  common 
manual  exercise,  and  look  like  a  soldier.  The 
very  accoutrements  of  a  man  of  fashion  are 
grievous  encumbrances  to  a  vulgar  man.  He  is 
at  a  loss  what  to  do  with  his  hat,  when  it  is  not 
upon  his  head  ;  his  cane  (if  unfortunately  he 
wears  one)  is  at  perpetual  war  with  every  cup 
of  tea  or  coffee  he  drinks  ;  destroys  them,  first, 
and  then  accompanies  them  in  their  fall. 

A  NOBLE  EASE  AND  GRACE. — Do  not  imagine 
that  these  accomplishments  are  only  useful  with 
women  ;  they  are  much  more  so  writh  men.  In 
a  public  assembly,  what  an  advantage  has  a 
graceful  speaker,  with  genteel  motions,  a  hand- 
some figure,  and  a  liberal  air,  over  one,  who 
shall  speak  full  as  much  good  sense,  but  desti- 
tute of  these  ornaments !  In  business,  how 
prevalent  are  the  graces,  how  detrimental  is  the 
want  of  them  !  By  the  help  of  these  I  have 
known  some  men  refuse  favors  less  offensively 
than  others  granted  them.  You  gain  the  hearts 
and  consequently  the  secrets,  of  nine  in  ten 
that  you  have  to  do  with,  in  spite  even  of  their 
prudence  5  which  will,  nine  times  in  ten,  be  the 
dupe  of  their  hearts  and  of  their  senses.  Con- 
sider the  importance  of  these  things  as  they 
deserve,  and  you  will  not  lose  one  moment  in 
the  pursuit  of  them. 


240  GOOD    MANNERS. 

* 

MAXIMS. — I  never  think  my  time  so  well 
employed,  as  when  I  think  it  employed  to  your 
advantage.  In  that  view,  I  have  thrown  to- 
gether, for  your  use,  the  following  maxims ;  or, 
to  speak  more  properly,  observations  on  men 
and  things  ;  for  I  have  no  merit  as  to  the  inven- 
tion ;  I  am  no  system-monger ;  and,  instead  of 
giving  way  to  my  imagination,  I  have  only 
consulted  my  memory  ;  and  my  conclusions  are 
all  drawn  from  facts,  not  from  fancy.  Most 
maxim-mongers  have  preferred  the  prettiness  to 
the  justness  of  a  thought,  and  the  turn  to  the 
truth  ;  but  I  have  refused  myself  to  everything 
that  my  own  experience  did  not  justify  and 
confirm. 

A  PROPER  secrecy  is  the  only  mystery  of  able 
men ;  mystery  is  the  only  secrecy  of  weak  and 


cunning  ones. 


A  MAN  who  tells  nothing,  or  who  tells  all,  will 
equally  have  nothing  told  him. 

IF  a  fool  knows  a  secret,  he  tells  it  because 
he  is  a  fool ;  if  a  knave  knows  one,  he  tells  it 
wherever  it  is  his  interest  to  tell  it.  But 
women,  and  young  men,  are  very  apt  to  tell 
what  secrets  they  know,  from  the  vanity  of 
having  been  trusted.  Trust  none  of  these, 
whenever  you  can  help  it. 

INATTENTION  to   the  present  business,  be  it 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     241 

what  it  will ;  the  doing  one  thing;,  and  thinking 
at  the  same  time  of  another,  or  the  attempting 
to  do  two  things  at  once ;  are  the  never-failing 
signs  of  a  little,  frivolous  mind. 

A  MAN  who  cannot  command  his  temper,  his 
attention,  and  his  countenance,  should  not  think 
of  being  a  man  of  business.  The  weakest  man 
in  the  world  can  avail  himself  of  the  passion  of 
ihe  wisest.  The  inattentive  man  cannot  know 
the  business,  and  consequently  cannot  do  it. 
And  he  who  cannot  command  his  countenance, 
may  even  as  well  tell  his  thoughts  as  show 
them. 

DISTRUST  all  those  who  love  you  extremely 
upon  a  very  slight  acquaintance,  and  without 
any  visible  reason.  Be  upon  your  guard,  too, 
against  those,  who  confess,  as  their  weaknesses, 
all  the  cardinal  virtues. 

IN  your  friendships,  and  in  your  enmities,  let 
your  confidence  and  your  hostilities  have  cer- 
tain bounds :  make  not  the  former  dangerous, 
nor  the  latter  irreconcilable.  There  are  strange 
vicissitudes  in  business ! 

SMOOTH  your  way  to  the  head  through  the 
heart.  The  way  of  reason  is  a  good  one  ;  but  it 
is  commonly  something  longer,  and  perhaps  not 
so  sure. 

SPIRIT  is  now  a  very  fashionable  word:  to 


242  GOOD    MANNERS. 

act  with  spirit,  to  speak  with  spirit,  means  only, 
to  act  rashly,  and  to  talk  indiscreetly.  An  able 
man  shows  his  spirit  by  gentle  words  and  reso- 
lute actions :  he  is  neither  hot  nor  timid. 

WHEN  a  man  of  sense  happens  to  be  in  that 
disagreeable  situation,  in  which  he  is  obliged  to 
ask  himself  more  than  once,  What  shall  1  do? 
he  will  answer  himself,  Nothing.  When  his 
reason  points  out  to  him  no  good  way,  or  at 
least  no  one  way  less  bad  than  another,  he  will 
stop  short,  and  wait  for  light.  A  little  busy 
mind  runs  on  at  all  events,  must  be  doing ;  and, 
like  a  blind  horse,  fears  no  dangers,  because  he 
sees  none.  Ilfaut  savoir  s'ennuyer. 

PATIENCE  is  a  most  necessary  qualification  for 
business ;  many  a  man  would  rather  you  heard 
his  story,  than  granted  his  request.  One  must 
seem  to  hear  the  unreasonable  demands  of  the 
petulant,  unmoved,  and  the  tedious  details  of 
the  dull,  untirod.  That  is  the  least  price  that 
a  man  must  pay  for  a  high  station. 

IT  is  always  right  to  detect  a  fraud,  and  to 
perceive  a  folly  ;  but  it  is  often  very  wrong  to 
expose  either.  A  man  of  business  should  always 
have  his  eyes  open  j  but  must  often  seem  to 
have  them  shut. 

THERE  is  a  fashionable  jargon,  a  chit-chat,  a 
small  talk,  which  turns  singly  upon  trifles ;  and 
which,  in  a  great  iiianj'  words,  says  little  or 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     243 

nothing.  It  stands  fools  instead  of  what  they 
cannot  say,  and  men  of  sejise  instead  of  what 
they  should  not  say.  It  is  the  proper  language 
of  levees,  drawing-rooms,  and  ante-chambers:  it 
is  necessary  to  know  it. 

WHATEVER  a  man  is  at  court,  he  must  be 
genteel  and  well  bred ;  that  cloak  covers  as 
many  follies,  as  that  of  charity  does  sins.  I 
knew  a  man  of  great  quality,  and  in  a  great 
station  at  court,  considered  and  respected,  whose 
highest  character  was,  that  he  was  humbly 
proud,  and  genteelly  dull. 

IT  is  hard  to  say  which  is  the  greatest  fool ; 
he  who  tells  the  whole  truth,  or  he  who  tells  no 
truth  at  all.  Character  is  as  necessary  in 
business  as  in  trade.  No  man  can  deceive  often 
in  either. 

THERE  are  some  occasions  in  which  man  must 
tell  half  his  secret,  in  order  to  conceal  the  rest : 
but  there  is  seldom  one  in  which  a  man  should 
tell  it  all.  Great  skill  is  necessary  to  know  how 
far  to  go,  arid  where  to  stop. 

AWKWARDNESS  is  a  more   real   disadvantage 

V — / 

than  it  is  generally  thought  to  be ;  it  often  ac- 
casions  ridicule,  it  always  lessens  dignity. 

A  MAN'S  own  good  breeding  is  his  best  secu- 
rity against  ither  people's  ill  manners. 


244  GOOD    MANNERS. 

GOOD  BREEDING  carries  along  with  it  a  dignity, 
that  is  respected  by  the  most  petulant.  Ill 
breeding  invites  and  authorizes  the  familiarity 
of  the  most  timid.  No  man  ever  said  a  pert 
thing  to  the  Duke  of  Marlborough.  No  man 
ever  said  a  civil  one  (though  many  a  flattering 
one)  to  Sir  Robert  Walpole. 

KNOWLEDGE  may  give  weight,  but  accomplish- 
ments only  give  lustre;  and  many  more  people 
see  than  weigh. 

MOST  arts  require  long  study  and  application 
but  the  most  useful  art  of  all,  that  of  pleasing, 
requires  only  the  desire. 

IT  is  to  be  presumed,  that  a  man  of  common 
sense,  who  does  not  desire  to  please,  desires  no- 
thing at  all ;  since  he  must  know  that  he  cannot 
obtain  anything  without  it. 

A  SKILFUL  negotiator  will  most  carefully  dis- 
tinguish between  the  little  and  the  great  objects 
of  his  business,  and  will  be  as  frank  and  open 
in  the  former,  as  he  will  be  secret  and  pertina- 
cious in  the  latter.  He  will,  bv  his  manners  and 

*/ 

address,  endeavor,  at  least,  to  make  his  public 
adversaries  his  personal  friends.  He  will  flatter 
and  engage  the  man,  while  he  counterworks 
the  minister  ;  and  he  will  never  alienate  people's 
minds  from  him,  by  wrangling  for  points, 


CHESTERFIELD'S  MAXIMS,  ETC.     245 

either  absolutely  unattainable,  or  not  worth 
attaining.  He  will  make  even  a  merit  of  giving 
up,  what  he  could  not  or  would  not  carry,  and 
sell  a  trifle  for  a  thousand  times  its  value. 

THE  Due  de  Sully  observes  very  justly,  in  his 
Memoirs,  that  nothing  contributed  more  to  his 
rise,  than  that  prudent  economy  which  he  had 
observed  from  his  youth  ;  and  by  which  he  had 
always  a  sum  of  money  beforehand,  in  case  of 
emergencies. 

IT  is  very  difficult  to  fix  the  particular  point 
of  economy  ;  the  best  error  of  the  two  is  on  the 
parsimonious  side.  That  may  be  corrected,  the 
other  cannot. 

THE  reputaton  01  generosity  is  to  be  purchased 
pretty  cheap  ;  it  does  not  depend  so  much  upon 
a  man's  general  expense,  as  it  does  upon  his 
giving  handsomely  where  it  is  proper  to  give 
at  all.  A  man,  for  instance,  who  should  give  a 
servant  four  shillings  would  pass  for  covetous, 
while  he  who  gave  him  a  crown  would  be 
reckoned  generous :  so  that  the  difference  of 
those  two  opposite  characters  turns  upon  one 
shilling.  A  man's  character,  in  that  particular, 
depends  a  great  deal  upon  the  report  of  his  own 
servants ;  a  mere  trifle  above  common  wages 
makes  their  report  favorable. 

TAKE  care  always  to  form  your  establish- 
ment so  much  within  your  income,  as  to  leave 


246  GOOD    MANNERS. 

a  sufficient  fund  for  unexpected  contingencies, 
and  a  prudent  liberality.  There  is  hardly  a 
year,  in  any  man's  life,  in  which  a  small  sum 
of  ready  money  may  not  be  employed  to  great 
advantage. 


THE  END 


14 

TO  DBSK  FROM 


LOAN  DEPT. 


' — TEL.  NO.  642-3405 


cm. 


-**-u — »w^ 

UTQ,  DISC. 


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